The Homestretch is Supposed to Be a Happy Time, Right?

I had my Dr's appt this morning to discuss with Dr. Johnson the last three courses of my chemo. I knew going in that it is supposed to be three straight weeks of chemo. I didn't expect to go in until next week. And I didn't think about what three straight weeks of chemo meant. I just kept thinking, "ok, we're getting close to the end now, almost done!" I tried to prepare myself in case he wanted me to go in tomorrow or this week. I kept saying to myself, "be happy about this, you're almost done!" So when he said we can either admit you tomorrow or Thursday I don't know why the first thing out of my mouth was "I was thinking it wouldn't be until next week." I suppose I crave the normalcy of being at home. Of sleeping in my own bed. Or seeing my kid. Of getting to relax. I hate the hospital. I feel like I have spent more time in the hospital in the last year than out. I think I probably have. I don't know. I hate going to the hospital and being lonely. It sucks. That's all there is too it. I had psyched myself up to look at this "homestretch" as the Dr. calls it as a happy time. Imagine my surprise when I'm sitting in the Dr's office trying my best not to cry because I don't want to go to the hospital. This is supposed to be a happy time, right? I'm almost done. The Dr. told me that basically I will be admitted Thursday and discharged Tuesday then admitted the following Thursday (which gives me a day and a half at home) and discharged the following Tuesday and then finally admitted again the following Thursday and discharged the following Tuesday. Basically I am going to be in the hospital for the next three weeks. As long as my blood counts hold up then it will have to drag out even longer which I don't want. Have I mentioned that I hate being in the hospital. Alone. Bored. So yes, I know that I should be happy that I am in the homestretch, but walking out to the car all I could do was cry. And cry. And cry. I don't know why. I have so many different emotions waring inside of me. I should be feeling relief, but I am not feeling that quite yet. I am so ready for all of this to be over with. I am ready to go to Shands and get the clearance that everything is OK. Have the next lung surgery if they choose to do so and get on with my life. Go away for the summer. I just want to fast-forward my life right now. Really, really bad. I know that I'm at the end of my treatment Lord willing. But you see, I have been getting chemo for almost a year. That's a whole year of my life dedicated to just trying to stay above water. Staying at home. Staying away from sick people. Not really having much of a life. And to be honest it's been even longer of that if you count in the surgery before I was diagnosed and the months of suffering prior to that. I don't mean to whine and I don't want you to feel sorry for me I just have to vent. I'm tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I guess a big part of me is scared too. Scared to see whether or not this is really the end or if I'll have to start more treatments after this. I just want to hurry past the next three weeks to get to Shands and see if I'm cancer free. See if I'm going to live. See if I can have my life back for a while. I'm nervous, scared and anxious. What will it be like once I'm done with chemo and cleared? Will I still instinctively hold onto survival mode? How do I get out of it? Will I be OK to go home for the summer? Oh, so many questions and all the answers have to wait. I guess that is what the Lord means when He tells us to Trust in Him with all our hearts and lean not unto our own understanding or to Be still and know that He is God. He has all of this under control. He has it already worked out for me. But I still can't help but wonder HOW? Is more suffering in my future? Will I go on to have a happy, healthy, productive life after this? How does one transition from fighting cancer to living again. I suppose by taking it day by day. By forcing myself out of my comfort zones. By trying to get my independence back? Oh, so many questions so few answers.

So with a mindful and crying like a woman full of hormones I decided the best thing to do today was keep myself busy. Not go home. Not dwell. So I called my mom, had some retail therapy, lunch and a mani & pedi instead. I probably wouldn't have come home when I did if Jarred hadn't been coming home from school. It's nice outside. Really nice. Like summer almost. So I'm going to dig out my summer clothes tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to try to work up the energy to go to the beach and church. Then I'll come home and pack for the hospital and on Thursday I'll be admitted to start the course that will hopefully finish my fight in this battle. My plan today was to enjoy the two days that the Lord gave me before I go back in. To enjoy the time that I'm feeling OK enough to actually get out of the house. Because I know that once this triple round of chemo starts I'm going to be recuperating for quite some time.

So for those of you that were actually interested that was my basket case of a day ;)

Jill

Ready for the Next Round

Well, it's been a while since you've heard from me and you may wonder what's going on and where I am at in my treatment. Unfortunately we haven't made much progress since my last post. I now have four rounds of chemo left. This next round has been postponed twice due to my blood counts or platelets being so low. Which in turn has resulted in me being basically exhausted all the time. Therefore, I haven't been up to very much. Mostly sticking around the house and trying to avoid the numerous germs that seem to be taking over the households of my friends and church family. The last thing I need of course is to be sick!

Amanda, my friend from Wisconsin that had been here since November, left this week. Her presence is deeply missed. She was a great companion/caretaker for me. I hated to see her leave. Unfortunately her grandfather passed away rather suddenly which is why she had to go home so early. So, If you would keep her and her grandmother and family in your prayers I know they would appreciate it. Amanda is also considering moving down this way and I know that she would appreciate your prayers for the Lord's guidance in that area of her life as well. For those of you that got to meet her while she was here you know what a sweet girl she is and she managed to work her way into our hearts rather quickly. So I would be happy to have her here, but only if that is what the Lord wants for her life.

Jarred is doing alright. We are still muddling through the fifth grade. This year has proved to be very challenging. We've had to do so much more studying at home than in years past. He's a trooper though and is handling the load to the best of his ability. He keeps me giggling when I'm home and I'm pleased to say that as of lately we've reached a whole new level of bonding. Which is really great considering that now he wants to talk to me about "stuff" and we've established that it's good for him to do this before he hits those crazy teenager years. My prayer is that our line of communication will always be open and he will be able to come to me with anything and that I can have the grace I'll need when he does come. I don't want to be one of those parents that are always flipping out on him, but I don't want him to think I'm his buddy either. I just want him to trust me enough to share his heart, whatever may be on it. He is a sweet and caring young man and I look forward to seeing the man that he will become. I know that if he allows, God will do some wonderful things with his life.

Other things that have been filling my days at home include watching movies (big surprise there!), reading (still LOVING my Kindle!), attempting to knit, drinking tea, and studying or goofing off with Jarred. I have a sweet friend, Lori over at Ellenay Designs who is willing to put up with my amateur knitting and start a knitting group with me. We may be small, but we are mighty! You should check out her website. She makes the most beautiful jewelry. All handmade and with a lot of vintage/antique pieces. She's got some great stuff on there for Valentines Day. Anyway, I'm looking forward to a visit from her today to do some knitting, cooking and tea drinking. A nice way to spend a cold, overcast day if I do say so myself. So I have a fun filled afternoon ahead of me. Oh, and I am FINALLY getting new flooring in my apartment. If you've been here you know what a great thing this is! As soon as I go into the hospital a friend from church will be ripping up the carpet and putting down wood laminate flooring. Ahhhhh, I can't wait. It will look so much nicer in here. Not to mention easier for me to get around without tripping over the stupid carpet!

Well that's about all the news from here. Let me know what's going on in your neck of the woods!