Sharing this post

I want to share this post with you from a blog that I have recently stumbled upon and love. I don't even know how I found it, but the writer is truly blessed. This post says so much about what I want for my own child and is just plain beautiful. Thank you Missy for sharing your heart!

I Don't Want my Children to be Happy

Home for Christmas

YAY! I WILL be home for Christmas according to my schedule. I saw my oncologist yesterday and found out that I will be going in for chemo on the 16th. I'll be in the hospital for about 4-5 days. This is the "rough round," so I am praying that I don't get so sick I end up back in the hospital during Christmas. Will you please pray with me that this round goes miraculously well? We are going to pull out the tree tonight and put it up. Then we'll work on decorating it tomorrow and Saturday. Hopefully by Sunday It'll actually look like Christmas around here!

We got home from Gainesville on Monday. My hospital stay wasn't nearly as long as I expected, so I was very happy about that. However, the surgery hurt a whole lot more than I expected. That I wasn't so happy about. I'm still really, really sore. The meds that they gave me when discharged didn't work well at all. Yesterday my Dr. wrote me a different prescription and although it is helping a little more, I'm still very sore. The good news is that the nodule that was removed was dead and no longer cancerous!! Which means the nodule on my left lung has likely responded the same way to the chemo. They will not worry about removing that nodule until I am done with my chemo. My oncologist in Gainesville is very pleased with this information. It is a really great thing that the chemo is doing it's job and very encouraging. I have to so that I am so thankful for modern medicines and the advances that the medical community has made in just the last several years. I hope and pray that one day they will find a cure for cancer. It is amazing to me the knowledge that God allows mankind. Even those that refuse to acknowledge Him.

Anyway, the next week of being home will be very enjoyable. I plan on trying to celebrate the season with Jarred as much as possible. I'll also be doing A LOT of school work with him! 5th grade is really killing us! There is just so much they have to do and know. He's working on a "Nation Notebook" right now. It is a detailed report on a nation of his choice. He choose Russia which I really know nothing about, so it's a learning experience for both of us. Speaking of which, if any of you know of a good, kid friendly Russian recipe I need it! He has to make and bring a Russian dish to their International Christmas party next Thursday. I'm at a complete loss as to what to make and the internet (for once) is not being very helpful. Everything I find is either very involved, doesn't have a picture, or doesn't sound appetizing.

Well, I have a lot to do and need to find the motivation to do it, so I better step away from the computer! Thank you all for your prayers and I hope that you are enjoying the Christmas season as much as we are :)

Surgery Update

We arrived in Gainesville yesterday around 5:30. Got all settled into the hotel then went out to find a sushi restaurant. After searching for a little while Amanda spotted one and we were off to satisfy my craving. It was really good! I could eat there everyday! Amanda even tried it for the first time and enjoyed it. We both stayed up way too late and were exhausted and dragging this morning. Thank God for Starbucks! So anyway, I had a CT scan at 8:40 then a bunch of x-rays of my hips and pelvis and met with my orthopedic oncologist at 9:15. Good news is that there are no new nodules on my lungs. The two that were there back in March are still there and surgery is set for Friday to pluck them out. I'm really praising the Lord for this. I was so concerned that more could have possibly grown and that would have been really bad. The Dr. told me that he had a kid in recently that had 100's of nodules on his lungs and there was nothing that could be done for him. I often get asked what my "prognosis" is and never really know how to answer that question. I want to say "they're curing me, duh!" But I've always been hesitant to ask if my situation was terminal and never got the impression that it was. But today I went ahead and asked my Dr. that question and he said well what do you think it is? I said "Well, we are trying to cure me, (duh!)" He said yes, but the odds are not in my favor and we are not out of the woods yet. That no new nodules have grown on my lungs is a very good thing, but we will have to continue to keep a watch on me for a long time. He said that the cure rate is about 25% for people that have metastatic osteosarcoma. I told him I am definitely in that 25%! My Dr. doesn't believe in God, but I do and I know God is going to cure me of this. The future certainly won't be an easy road, but the good news is that I know there is a future. The x-rays of my hips/pelvis were clear and showed no tumors or anything to be concerned about. Praise the Lord for that! I've been having pain on the right side of my pelvis and had been concerned that it may be something, so I am relieved that there is nothing to worry about. The Dr. said that it is probably just because I'm sitting (in his words) "cock-eyed." I've also been a lot more active recently so that could be contributing to it as well. I have an appointment set with my ortho oncologist in three months and then we will discuss prostheses & physical therapy and I will have more scans. It looks like I will have to have scans every three months for a long time.

I will meet with the Dr. that is doing the surgery to remove the nodules from my lungs tomorrow, so I'll have more info about the actual procedure at that point. There is one nodule on each lung and I'm not sure how they are going to go about removing them. Dr. Gibbs said that this is a big deal, but I reminded him that it couldn't be as big of a deal as the amputation, so I'm not to worried or nervous about it.

My pediatric oncologist almost had a cow when I told her I had stopped taking all my medications. I had been taking heart meds for the heart problems I had, but decided to stop taking them and my heart has been just fine. Honestly I am just sick of pumping my body with a bunch of different chemicals and can't keep track of everything anyway. But apparently I am supposed to be taking an antibiotic that is very important and prevents pneumonia and have completely forgotten to take it. She was not too happy with me about that and promptly gave me a prescription for it and told me that I HAVE to take it and will continue to HAVE to take it for about six months after chemo.

I have been in much better spirits lately. I think the combination of bible reading, prayer, talking with my pastor and being honest about my feelings and the meds have helped tremendously. I seemed to have moved to acceptance of this new life (minus my leg) and a future and a hope that without Christ would be impossible.

I have six more rounds of chemo. SIX! That means there is light at the end of the tunnel. The next one, which should be about a week or so after my surgery, is the roughest but it will also be the last time I have to have that one. I'm praying that I will be home and feeling well for Christmas. I'll be begging my Dr at home to make sure I am not in the hospital during Christmas and he's pretty good about that kind of stuff.

So, surgery is set for Friday to remove these nodules from my lungs and then theoretically I will be cancer free. The only place the cancer would go is my pelvis or my lungs and since my pelvis is clear and my lungs will be I'll just be praying that nothing new grows.

In other good news my disability was FINALLY approved, PTL!

I had a great Thanksgiving. My mom and my sisters came down for college days at PCC and we got to spend a lot of time together which was a true blessing and just wonderful. I'll tell you, it's hard to top Thanksgiving at the Rawles' house! Good, good food! I carried my camera around in my purse for a week and didn't take any pictures. I take that back, I took one of a sign for Rachel. I'll have to post it when I get home.

Meanwhile, I am exhausted. It is 12pm here in Gainesville and I don't HAVE to do anything for the rest of the day. I know that I will be eating something yummy today (haven't decided where yet), taking a nap (momentarily), watching some movies, reading, and who knows what else. Thankfully my first Dr appt tomorrow isn't until noon, so we can sleep in.

That's all the news I have for now. Thanks for the prayers & keep them coming. God is certainly answering them.

<3 Jillian

Breaking the Silence

A real blog should be honest at all times to be true to ones self, I believe. Sometimes sharing the honest truth can be a daunting task. It has been so long since I have written and the only reason for that is the despondency that has taken over my life. It seems that I find myself in this pit of depression and am unable to claw my way out. This (cancer) is a fight that I don't want to fight. I hate the way that it has sucked my life away. I long for simpler days when my only worries were rearing Jarred and if I would ever marry. Pride has kept me from speaking out regarding these feelings. So many say that I have kept a good testimony during my trial/suffering, but I don't feel that way at all. Although I see God's hand daily and know that He alone is taking care of me, providing for me, etc. I am still angry that I am now handicapped and feel as if my life has been stripped away from me. I've come to the point that I am finally seeking help in these areas; however, that has not been easy. My Dr. has prescribed me medication and hopefully in the weeks to come I will see some improvement. I've never felt this way in my life and don't know how to face it. I miss happy days with friends and family. I just have to hope that those days are still ahead and keep pressing on. I know that my God has not forsaken me, yet I feel so alone. I find myself thinking more and more on the Lord's coming and wish that He would just come on. Is that selfish?

So, know that I am here muddling through this fight for my life and my sanity. I'm not giving up on life even though I feel like it. Please pray for me to find my strength again and learn how to live again.

I head to Gainsville on the 16th on November. I will have numerous tests and such on the 17th & 18th then on the 19th I will have surgery to remove the cancerous nodules from my lungs. I don't know how long I will be in the hospital. Maybe 5 days. Hopefully I will be home in time for Thanksgiving and able to enjoy it. Last I counted I have six more rounds of chemo. Hopefully. After the surgery I have the harshest round for the last time PTL!

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Beth Moore: The Hair Brush

I saw this video today and wanted to share it with you. For some reason blogger won't let me type under the video, so I'm gonna go ahead and post here first. BUT, I would much prefer you watch the video before reading what I have to say.

This video just brought me to tears. It prompted a heart to heart with my son and a discussion enabled me to gently remind him that although this is a hard time in our life God does have a plan and purpose for it.

As you can probably tell I haven't been much in the bloggy-mood lately. I have been so restless, bored, complacent, etc. Sick and tired, tired of being sick. This last round of chemo really set me back and I am just not bouncing back like I had hoped. I just have no energy to do the things I have to, therefore, I have no energy to do anything really. Top that off with not sleeping and you have a very unhappy Jill. It's been almost a year that I've been sitting on this couch recuperating from surgery and frankly I'm tired of it. The Lord has seen to clip my wings though and the only thing that gets me through the day is that hope within-my hope in Christ alone.

Last week I was at the Dr's office to get a shot and in the waiting room I met another young girl (I'm not sure how old she was but I would say early to mid-twenties) who also has cancer. She struck up a conversation with me and began to tell me how hard it was on her. She didn't seem to have any family close by or anywhere near the support system that I have. She said to me I just don't understand why some people suffer so much and other walk around perfectly happy and healthy. She had no hope whatsoever. I wanted to badly to witness to her. I knew that she just needed to come to know the Lord, but just as I started I was called back. I planned on continuing our conversation when I went back into the waiting room but she was gone. Please pray that the Lord puts me in her path again. I have those same thoughts too at times. Why do I have to suffer like this? Why are there other evil, unsaved people in perfect health? But that's where it stops for me because I know in my heart that as soon as my thinking takes that direction I have to remind myself that the Lord does have a plan and a purpose for this. I can't imagine what it is. It breaks my heart that I have to go through all this, see my son worry and suffer, and even if I am cured from cancer I will be handicapped the rest of my life. It's a hard lot to swallow. But it is MY lot. This is the life the Lord has given me. I could dwell all day long on the things I'll never be able to do again because of the loss of my leg, but as soon as I think "I'll never do that again," I have to gently ask the Lord to help me think on "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." I'm reminded that I was confronted with the decision of my leg or my life. I choose life. Maybe that's the big concept that I need to repeatedly be reminded of, that I DID choose life. It's so easy for me to get down when I spend most of my time sick or in the hospital but perhaps I'm not thinking of the fact that the joy that I need is to come from the Lord.

Watching this video made me think about what the Lord calls us to do. It's often the simple things in life. Like caring for a sick friend, helping her through the tough times, holding her hair and combing it gently as it falls out, showing up on your daughters doorstep to surprise her just because you missed her. Or me just simply trusting the Lord in my darkest hours, casting out doubts, and keeping my mind stayed on Him.

Anyway, I couldn't not share this video and my thoughts about it on here. I'm sorry that I don't post that often, but I just don't feel so great these days. I go back in for another round of chemo on the 29th and am then scheduled for another round the week after that. I'll have a three week break then another round. After that I will be heading back to Shands in Gainsville to have scans of my chest and then (as long as the spots haven't increased) surgery to remove the two that are there. Please pray for me in the coming months as you are always faithful to do. I'll try to keep you posted as to my progress along the way!

Take a minute (or 8 to be exact) to watch this video, it's well worth it!

Happy Birthday to...... ME!

Several months back I didn't know if I would be celebrating another birthday. I'm so glad that the Lord has allowed me this time and another year to look forward to. Not only that, but I have been feeling really good lately for the most part. I've had a wonderful birthday so far. I got to go to lunch with some dear friends to celebrate and had such a lovely time. Later on some other friends will stop by to celebrate some more and do the whole cake thing. YES, I'm looking forward to some birthday cake :)

Last year I celebrated my 30th birthday with a large group of friends. I would have never imagined my life to change so much and take so many twists and turns, but I am once again reminded that this is the path that the Lord has set before me and I am more determined that ever to commit my ways unto Him.

I am blessed in so many ways that I couldn't begin to name them all! Today I am so thankful to have another birthday to celebrate and to have so many REAL, loving, caring, praying friends to celebrate it with. The only thing missing is my parents, sisters, and my dear friend Carrie. You know, I have to confess that while Carrie was here I had a certain comfort in knowing that there was always someone around to care for me and help me during the hard times. Secretly I was so afraid of what would happen when she left. I prayed a lot about it and in my heart knew that if the Lord could bring her all the way from Spain He could surely provide people here to continue to care for me. Although it was still a very real fear and worry I had. God is so good though. When I've needed someone I haven't been alone once. My church family has been more than willing and able to be here and help whenever I need it. God continues to provide my needs before I even know that I have them. Sometimes, well a lot of times, it's hard not to worry, but I try to constantly give those worries to the Lord and trust Him with them. I'm not saying that is an easy task because quite often I take them back and find myself having to give them all over again. However, He is good and faithful to receive my worries and being the loving Father that He is, He understands like no other person.

My biggest wish or desire for my birthday is to grow closer to the Lord. To trust Him more daily, be in the word more, and develop a better prayer life. If you could please pray about these things with me it would be the best birthday gift I could receive!

I will be heading back to Sacred Heart in Destin tomorrow to receive another round of chemo. This will be the roughest one and it is also the one that makes me very sick afterward. The Dr. will be trying out some new IV anti-nausea medicines while administering the chemo, so I am hoping that it will make a big difference. I'm trying not to worry, but I certainly don't look forward to feeling so horrible. The good news is that I get about a three week break after this one!

I enjoy being at home these days more than you know. Although with Jarred at school and me left alone most days I've found myself in a bit of a rut. I lack the motivation to really get up and do much. I'd like to get back into some hobbies such as card making, trying my hand at sewing and maybe even knitting! Please also pray that this bit of depression will pass and that I will once again find myself useful and productive.

That's a little update as to what is going on here. I will try not to let so much time elapse between my next posting! I love you all and thank you for your prayers!

The Spirit's Prodding

Well, I've been dragging my feet on this blogging thing and not sharing my good news. The Holy Spirit has been prodding me along the last few days by just heaping blessing upon blessing, so I am therefore about to burst with good news and anticipation. I just have to share......

I have to first tell you about my hospital stay and how the Lord surrounded me with His presence over and over. There were a few days that I was by myself in the hospital. It was the first time that has ever happened over in Gainsville, but I was not concerned, I knew I would keep myself busy reading or watching Food TV (which subsequently is not the best idea to do in the hospital when you only have access to icky food). The Lord places this one specific nurse in my path in through conversation I found out she was a Christian and a very dedicated one at that. We spent hours just talking about the Lord and how good He is, encouraging one another and sharing testimonies. It reaffirmed for me that although it may seem we are all alone the Lord is always there, and not only that, but He generally will provide someone or something to encourage us when we are down. As it came time for my hospital stay to come to an end my oncologist came to visit me. Now, if you recall, I have been traveling 4 1/2 hours to Gainsville to receive my treatments which usually require a hospital stay of anywhere between 4-7 days. It has been extremely burdensome upon my family. We have been praying that I would be able to receive my chemo at a hospital closer to home in San Destin. My oncologist came with the good news that my request to receive treatment locally had been granted!!!! She has sent all of my information to the oncologist here and he is ready to take me on! YAY!! After she shared that good news with me we talked for a long time and she opened up to me about her own feelings of God, she too is a believer (I hadn't known this before because we hadn't had the chance for such an intimate conversation). She talked to me about my faith in God and how it would see me through this time, how she had to cling to the Lord and that she knows He has a plan in cancer in suffering when dealing with her pediatric patients. It was a sweet talk. I could tell that she opened up her private thoughts to me and felt safe to share with me what others in her medical community might scoff at. It was a true blessing indeed as well as another example of the encouragement that the Lord brings to His children when they need it.

Coming home I was so happy that the Lord worked things out for me to have my chemo here locally. The oncologist that will be overseeing my care is a very strong Christian man and very open about it as well. From first meeting him we have all been impressed with his character and bedside manner. I look forward to what this next round of treatments will bring. Although I know that sickness is in my future I also see healing. I truly believe that the Lord will heal me of this infirmity.

Among these blessings that the Lord has brought me, in the last two days I have come to find out that a dear friend is expecting. I'm so happy to be able to share in her joy and see the Lord bless this family!! In addition the family that keeps my Jarred while I am in the hospital has been praying for the father of the family to find a good job close to home. Today we received news that not only did he get a good job close to home, he got an AWESOME job close to home. The circumstances surrounding his hiring were completely orchestrated by the Lord. Also..... the sweet lady that picks Jarred up from school in the mornings just got a job her heart desired as well!! All these blessings to people around me just make my heart so full. It is so incredibly encouraging to see the Lord work in the lives of those people who love him and are called according to his purpose. It is so wonderful to see Him work things for good.
Last, but not least there has been a prayer request that has been very near and dear to my heart. Jarred will be starting the 5th grade (no, I can't believe it!) this year!! I have been wanting to set up a meeting with his teacher one-on-one to discuss our unique situation and also for Mrs. Shawn (his care-giver in my absence) to meet with her. I want us all to be on the same page and her to understand exactly what is going on. With Jarred going back and forth between homes I feel it is of the utmost importance for everyone involved to be familiar with one another. So anyway, the sweet lady that picks Jarred up for school also has a daughter in Jarred's class and she sent me a note to let me know that she had met with the teacher and she seemed just wonderful. She also said that she told the teacher about me and my circumstances just briefly. She just raved about her and it made me so excited to talk to her. I called the teacher yesterday to see if we could set up an appointment and let me just say, WOW! Does God ever know what He is doing!! I wouldn't be as self-centered to say that the Lord brought this teacher to Florida just for us, but I know that when He brought her He certainly knew we needed her. I was just so in awe of God - and in tears- by the time I got off of the phone with her. When she got on the phone she said to me "You know, I prayed for you this morning!" Isn't that something!! Well, we talked and she told me that she had had two students in the past whose parents had been diagnosed with cancer while in her classroom. So she knows exactly what Jarred is going through and what type of support he needs. She told me that she wants to do whatever she can to help him succeed. And that, my friends, is my number one desire, that through all of this craziness that cancer has brought to our lives that Jarred will be successful in life, in whatever he does or endeavors to do. So anyway, Jarred is psyched to start school. Yesterday he put on his new uniform, new shoes, new belt, and got his new backpack and paraded around the house strutting his stuff. So funny. And I'm excited too! We go to meet with his teacher on Monday at 11 then she wants to take us to lunch at Chick Fil-A (eat your heart out Rachel, I'll think of you :)). Isn't that so sweet!! I thought so. I will let you know how things for from there.

So, on this day when all I see around me is God's goodness and His many blessings I knew that everything is going to be OK. God is on His throne smiling down at us today and I'm smiling back at him!

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

"Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; and his greatness is unsearchable.One generation shall praise thy works to another, and shall declare thy mighty acts."
Psalms 145:3-4

Back on Track

Here I am sitting in the hospital in Gainsville again about to receive the next round of chemo. I've been saying to myself over the past several weeks that I need to blog, lol. I spent the last two weeks at home truly enjoying being in my own surroundings, with my son, friends and my sister. It was so nice to have a long break at home and be feeling great most of the time too. I haven't had chemo since early June, so my blood counts were all up and I've been feeling more like myself. My sister came to visit for almost a week and we had such a wonderful time together. I just love getting to spend one-on-one time with my sisters. Now if I could only get Stephanie down here for a visit. With my sister as my own personal chauffeur I was able to get A LOT accomplished. We got all of Jarred's school shopping done. With the exception of picking up a backpack (it's hard to find something sturdy enough for my rough guy) and picking up the shirts that are having the school logo sewn on. I'll get to those things next week when I get home hopefully. I'm hoping to get the OK to drive soon. I think that physically I won't have a problem. The only thing that might keep me from getting the go ahead is that I'm still taking pain meds. We'll see. If not I know plenty of people who are willing to help. The Lord has been so good in the area of providing people to help in so many ways.

I have to tell you that I received a call from the genetic counselor that I have been working with here at Shands and we were talking about what has been going on with me. She was not aware of the amputation, so I told her about that and that I was in the recovery process. She said to me "you must be absolutely devastated!" I've mulled that over in my head so many times since then and have praised the Lord for His grace through all this. I thought to myself I am so far from being devastated and what a blessing that it. Going through an amputation isn't an easy thing, it's a big adjustment, but with God it is possible to get through it without ever feeling an ounce of devastation. I know that many people are praying for me and I just want to thank you and encourage you by letting you know that your prayers are being answered in a mighty way in my life. I am so thankful for every prayer that is sent up for me. I don't know everyone that is praying, but I ask God to heap immeasurable blessings on each of your lives.

I have been working on trying to get my chemo closer to home for a while now. The decision to do so will be made by the doctors in the next few days. I am praying that it works out for me to have my treatments at Sacred Heart on the Emerald Coast. That's only about 30 minutes away from home. It would alleviate so many burdens for my family right now. I really, really hope that it works out that way. If so then I will still come back to Shands to have scans every three months and I will come back to have the surgery to remove the spots on my lungs as long as they don't multiply and reduce in size from the chemo. The oncologist at SH is so wonderful. He has a really good bedside manner and is very thorough. I like the hospital there and have always had a good stay there. That's another thing you can pray with me about. As soon as I have news I'll be posting about it!

That's the update for now.

:)

A Lazy Sunday

I'm here sitting on my couch this Sunday. I woke up this morning with a lot of pain in my hip and feeling like I could just barely move around, so went back to bed for several hours. I sure missed being in the Lord's house today. I miss my fellowship with the wonderful body of believers at the best church in the world!! Now I'm just taking it easy and relaxing on this lazy Sunday.

I'm back at home for two weeks. I can't express how happy I am to be home for a little while. I went to Gainsville Tuesday and spent the night in a hotel and got up the next morning to head off to the orthopedic Dr. hoping to get the OK to start chemo. I had my doubts and fears as to what the Dr. would say because my incision was still draining quite a bit. It just made me so nervous. Well, the Dr. said I needed to be on antibiotics for another few weeks before I could start chemo. The incision just had not healed well enough yet and he didn't want to take any chances. So now I'm taking a different antibiotic four times a day and have been sent home to heal. I had mixed emotions about that at first. A bit of uneasiness and what not, but the more I thought on it I realized that the Lord had worked things out just perfectly for me. I had prayed that I would be home and not sick when my sister Rachel came to visit. Now I'll be home and no chemo, so there is no worry of my being sick. This next round of chemo will be a type that I've not had before so I'm not really sure what to expect as far as side effects are concerned. I'm hoping and praying that it doesn't make me sick like the doxorubicion (sp?).

It's interesting to see how the Lord works things out for us. It's certainly never the way that we would prefer it done. Not the easy way for sure, but He works things out in a way that shows us to lean on him and trust him more. In His perfect way that causes us to be even more thankful and grateful. Things that comes easy are never appreciated fully.

Well I'm continuing this on Monday. My cousin left yesterday and my Aunt came over to stay with me for a few days. I'll be on my own Wednesday night through Friday night when my sister comes. I'm pretty sure I'll be OK on my own though. As long as there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge and I have Jarred to help me :) I'll be picking up my sister Friday night from music camp at PCC and she will be staying with me for several days. I'm so looking forward to that.

I'm being summoned to go clean my room, or at least direct while Aunt Bev is my legs. I have more to say, but I will write more later.

No Chemo This Week.....

We got into Gainsville at a decent hour last night. I went to bed after being here for a couple of hours. We stayed in the Extended Stay America which I have stayed in the last three or four times I've been here because the American Cancer Society chips in a little towards the room for one night. Last night in my room I saw three roaches. Talk about a roach motel. They were small, but they were there nonetheless. To think, people stay in those because they have those little kitchenettes. To top it off they don't offer free WiFi. I'm completely digressing from the purpose of my post though. Anyway, this morning I went to see my orthopedic Dr., Dr. Gibbs, to have the stitches taken out and make sure my incision was healing properly. There has been that one three inch area that I have been concerned about, so I was curious to see what he would have to say about it. Well.... everything but that area looks great and has healed perfectly well. At first glance he was concerned that I might have an infection in that area, but after taking a few stitches out there and pressing down around it he decided that there is a lot of fluid trapped underneath there which is also why the area is red and irritated.

So.... I have to go into the OR tomorrow for a small procedure to have that area cut back open and cleaned out. They'll put me out, remove all the stitches then cut that small area back open and clean and wash out the area really well and also make sure it isn't infected. Please lets pray that there is NO infection. All of that taken into consideration, the Dr. felt like I had not healed well enough to start chemo today. We (Bro. JP & Charlotte brought me down here) are staying in the Red Roof Inn tonight. Where there are no roaches, it's $10 cheaper than Extended Stay, and have free WiFi :) The procedure that I am having is outpatient, so as long as all goes well we will head back to Niceville tomorrow. I'm praying for a smooth procedure and smooth ride home.

I will have to be back in Gainsville on the 14th to see Dr. Gibbs again and again hopefully obtain his OK for chemo. I don't know if I had previously mentioned that my sister Rachel is coming down at the end of July or not. If so, sorry, I'll be repeating myself. My hope is that my chemo schedule will not interfere with her being here so that I can be at home with her the week that she plans on visiting me. She hasn't come to visit me for the summer for over two years now. We are both really looking forward to it. Pushing chemo back a week like this will give me a two week break before I have to be back which means I'll be home for her visit. So maybe God is just trying to work out everything for me before hand. I told the oncologist that I am just not going to be able to come to Gainsville during that time frame. I said it's just not possible. They will have to work around it and I will pray that there are no ill effects for me health-wise.

So no chemo for me this week. I'll head back home tomorrow as long as everything goes well and I'm sure it will. That will give me a couple of days with Jarred which will be nice. I'll end up going to stay with my grandparents in Panama City on Sunday and we'll just leave from there for Gainsville next Tuesday. Then I'll re-do today all over again on the 14th. Please be in prayer that the Lord works it out according to His will, that the procedure goes well tomorrow, and that we have safe travels.

Thanks :)

I Have Been Blessed

I've been home for a week now. Everyday I've seemed to get a little better and better. I had a few days where I over exerted myself a bit. I just want some of my independence back and have tried to do too much. I end up paying for it and am just in pain at the end of the day. So I've learned to just take it easy right now and only do a tiny bit as I can. I had a scare when my incision started having some discharge. My discharge papers from the hospital said that if it had that to call the doctor. So I really worried about it until I heard from the doctor that it was OK and there was no worry of infection. I've been taking an antibiotic four times a day, so hopefully that has warded anything nasty off. I guess that I've forgotten that I had a major surgery and it's only been a little over two weeks. I'm so ready to do things for myself, but it's going to be a long road to recovery.

I was so blessed to go to church Sunday morning. The kids were picked up for Sunday school and Carrie and I planned on going to the main service as it's hard for me to sit upright for any length of time. I miss being in church so much. Anyway, we were late getting out of the house because we were trying to get my wheelchair folded up and into the car. We were just running late in general I guess. When we got to the church I decided to use my walker to walk into the church and sit in one of the comfy rockers that they usually pull out of the nursing room for me. Brother JP always gets one for me and puts it next to my pew so I can be comfortable during the service (I think that is so sweet and kind). As I walked into the church towards my pew the congregation was singing the hymn Victory In Jesus (which is one of my favorite hymns from childhood, it's always touched my soul). As I hobbled down the aisle with my walker and one leg they sang the line "I heard about his healing, of his cleansing pow'r revealing how he made the lame to walk again and caused the blind to see, and then I cried
dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit and somehow Jesus came and brought to me the victory." The tears just fell down my face as soon as I came in and heard them singing that. My heart is just always so tender in church and I'm always so moved by the hymns and can feel the Spirit so strongly. Pastor immediately saw me coming down the aisle and when the congregation finished the song he said something to me about walking in during that exact moment and how it couldn't have been by accident then had the congregation sing just that line over again. It was such a special moment. It was so encouraging to be reminded of the Lord's healing and cleansing power. I may have lost my leg and be facing a huge battle, but I also serve a very big God that can do anything He wants. He can, and I choose to believe that He will cure me of this disease. Needless to say before the preaching even got started, at the beginning of the service I was beyond moved and in tears. I was overwhelmed with the Spirit and the Lord's presence.

Our junior kids just went to church camp this past week where they sang a song called I Have Been Blessed. After we sang hymns in church Pastor wanted the kids to come up and sing that song. Jarred was happy and chipper and jumped out of his seat to join the rest of the kids and sing right along with them. About the second verse I noticed that He was crying (which if you know Jarred is very unlike him. He's Mr. Don't show emotions or cry in front of people). He was practically bawling through the whole song and kept wiping his eyes and face and was staring at me to regain strength and reassurance. Carrie's kids Brayden and Lexi were in tears by that time too. I didn't know what set them off. All the kids came back to their seats and Jarred just sat on my lap and held onto me for dear life and sobbed. His little heart was so tender and just wide open. Later he told me that what made him sad and start crying was a line in the song that said "Arms that can will raise, a voice that can talk, hands that can touch, and legs that can walk." He said that when he sang the part about legs that can walk he just thought of me and I think it finally hit him and his emotions just boiled over. It was one of the sweetest most tenderest moments we have ever had as mother and son. Since then our time together during this trip has been so sweet. We have really bonded and spent good quality time together. After the song Lexi, Carrie's daughter, came to her and told her that she needed to be saved, so Carrie told her she needed to go to the alter and got someone with her to lead her to the Lord. This all happened BEFORE the preaching even started. The Holy Spirit was just so alive and present during the service that it was overwhelming. We came away feeling renewed, refreshed, thankful, and humble. What a morning it was. After church Carrie headed to Pensacola to spend the day with her family and Jarred and I stayed at home. I think it was the first time in a long time that it was just the two of us and we just got to hang out for a long time. It was almost like old times. He said several times how nice it was. That meant a lot to me and reminded me how much I have been blessed.

Carrie's husband and two older boys should be on a flight (hop) right now from Spain to the states. They haven't seen the rest of the family since March, so it will be a happy reunion. They will spend most of their time in Alabama and be here for three weeks. They will be leaving to go back to Spain towards the end of July. Please keep her husband and boys in your prayers as they travel here and the whole family in your prayers as they are on vacation and prepare to go back to Spain and be separated from their family and friends again. Carrie has been such a blessing to me while she has been here to help care for me during some of the hardest parts of my treatment. I would have never thought that God would move her all the way from Spain to come be with me. That just testifies to what an amazing God that we have. Now with all these changes I have of course been a little nervous and wondering who He will provide to help me and care for me when I need it now. I'm still not at the point where I can be completely alone and still need a lot of help while I adjust to this new life. I'm still going through chemo that will make me useless and very sick some days. Please be in prayer with me that God will provide in the area of caregivers for me.

I head back to Gainsville tomorrow. I have an appointment with the orthopedic Dr. on Wednesday at 10:15 to get my stitches out (which by the way there are 50 on top and three more internal layers of stitches which means I have a total of about 200 stitches!) As long as I am healing well and he gives me the go ahead for chemo I will be admitted to the hospital the same day around noon for the next round. This will be a different chemo than I've had before. It also requires a seven day stay in the hospital. I don't really know what to expect in the way of side effects or if it will make me really sick. Of course I hope not. After I get out of the hospital I will be going to Panama City to stay with my grandparents for a little while. I'm not really sure how long. They will also arrange for Jarred to be brought over there. I don't have a schedule for chemo in July yet, but I am sure I will get one while I am there. My sister Rachel is coming down to go to music camp at PCC in about a week and is staying an extra week after to spend with me. I'm planning on telling the Dr's that I absolutely have to be home for that week. Please pray that it works out that way and that I'm not so sick from chemo that I can't enjoy her visit. She hasn't been down for the summer in a couple of years and I would really like to make it a special time.

That's about all the news and updates from here for now. I will keep you updated as I can in the hospital and once I get to Panama City.

Blindness

This is a video that I saw a while back and it is so powerful that I just want to share it again. I've shared it many times on Facebook, but I don't think I've ever shared it on here. This video breaks me down every time I watch it! It is the exact description of what it is like to live life without the Lord & without being saved and what it is like once you are saved and living for the Lord.

Click HERE

You don't have to buy the video, just make it full size and turn up your speakers. Let me know what you think :)

Being Real

I've been home since Monday afternoon. It is so nice to be in my own home!!! I'm enjoying the peace and quiet and the solitude of being at home. I'm learning how to get around better in my own surroundings and becoming better acclimated with my new life. It's not easy. I have to be honest that sometimes getting used to this one legged thing is just down right hard. I miss my leg. I have phantom sensations and pain and sometimes think it itches. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't have a leg therefore it can't be itching.

Cancer truly is a battle. I see why people say that now. It's all consuming. I have my good days (like today) and I have my bad days - when it takes all I have just to get through the hours. I feel more like I am in survival mode than actually living my life. I grieve the fact that I can't take care of my son and have to leave him for extended periods of time. I'm so thankful for the Rawles' who take care of him wonderfully in my absence. They've given him a haven of rest, a place without worry. I'm thankful for all that everyone does for me. I can never thank God enough for surrounding me with so many people that love me. I feel so undeserving of it all.

With all my many blessings though I still struggle and miss my old life. It reminds me of a Sara Groves song called "Painting Picture of Egypt." The chorus says "I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked, the future feels so hard and I wanna go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned. And those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned." You can listen to the whole song here.

I know God's giving me the grace I need to get through this rough time and I know that He is giving me strength that I don't even see. However, sometimes I just have to allow myself to cry and mourn my life that was lost and the uncertainties of my future.

Anyway, this is what was on my heart tonight. I'm praying daily for the Lord to increase my faith and help me to trust Him more.

<3 me

Surgery went well!

Hello friends. I don't have a lot of news to share with you today, but thought you'd like a quick post on how I'm doing. Dr. Gibbs (my ortho surgeon) said that the surgery went perfectly. Way better than even he anticipated. He also said the tumor was as big as my head only in an oblong shape, so taking my leg was ABSOLUTELY the best thing to do for me. We have a real fighting chance at curing me now :) I know that all of YOUR prayers are why things went so smoothly.

I have been doing well emotionally. I've only had one "moment," but it didn't last long. I am having phantom sensations and pain which is very strange. I'll go to move and although I feel very "light" I feel shooting sensations down where my leg used to be and into my toes. This is normal and will most likely last for several months if not forever. All in all I feel good. I'm very tired and have hardly been able to keep my eyes open (I've dozed off several times while typing this!)

PT has been coming in every day since the surgery and working with me. Each day they push me to do a little more. The first day they got me to sit up on the side of the bed and practice some balancing exercises. Today they got me to sit up on the side of the bed, stand and take a few steps forward and backward using a walker. I didn't think any of this would be possible after surgery, but PT really pushes you to get moving quickly. They say the sooner the better as far as recovery time is considered. How awesome would it be if I could maneuver well enough to be OK when the discharge me? They say the hospital stay is only 5-7 days which doesn't seem like long enough to me for this major surgery, but they know best :/ Since I'm doing so well I wouldn't be surprised if they kicked me out after 5 days! At least then I would get to spend some more time with my mom at home.

Well, the nurses are getting onto me because i took off my pulse-ox thingy from my finger to I could type faster. They're saying I need to get it back on.

I'll type more later when the pulse-ox nazi's aren't after me :) I love you all and thank you again for your prayers. Keep them coming because I know this big adjustment is going to be hard.

Glorying in my Infirmity

Today I am at peace. It's a surprising peace. Not surprising because I doubt the Lord can give it. Surprising because I just didn't expect to be at such peace the day before I have this major surgery. I thought that I would be a little nervous, or very anxious, but no. I have a peace down in the depths of my soul that can only come from Jesus. I know that this is all going to sound so strange, it's just another testimony to how gracious the Lord is towards his saints. I don't know if you remember my post about the day I lost my hair, if not you can read it here. That day I experienced grace from the Lord that I never knew, I felt an almost oneness with Him and a closeness to Him that is not something that happens often. It was almost like He had His hand on my shoulder and was sitting, standing, and walking right beside me all day long. The scariest part of my day was looking at my reflection in the mirror. Not because of pride or vanity, but my reflection would represent the very face of cancer. It made me look at my cancer in the face quite literally. When I did look in the mirror though I felt the Lord say "I will never leave you nor forsake you, I'm right here sweet child and you are still beautiful." What could have been one of the hardest days of my life was transformed into something beautiful and a sweet memory. Because of that grace, the grace that He speaks of in 2 Corinthians 12:9 ("And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.") I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to feeling that closeness with the Lord. Tomorrow will undoubtedly be the hardest day I have ever faced, but I am expecting it to also be a day when I will be closer to the Lord than ever before.

This surgery will make me permanently handicapped. I say though life, bring what you may. I feel victory in the air so thick that I know good things await me on the other side of this challenge. I have decided that this handicap will not limit me. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I choose life instead. That my friends, is the whole purpose of this surgery that I have decided is necessary. Life. My life. Life and a future with my loved ones. With you.

I spoke of victory in the air, I don't know what it is. I just have an overwhelming sense that victory lays ahead. Maybe victory against this cancer, being cured. Maybe victories in souls being saved. Possibly victory over my flesh and fear. Definitely that. Hopefully the leading into a ministry. I don't know what the Lord has ahead for me. I don't know any of the answers to an uncertain future. I do know though that I am saved by the precious blood of Jesus and that He is waiting to spend an eternity with me. Praise the Lord for that. I also know that I trust Him more today than ever before. Each day I pray that trust will grow and grow. So friends, I am glorying in this infirmity and praising my sweet Jesus for allowing it. No matter His reasons. I know that His power, strength, and peace are all flowing over and through me. As I type this tears are rolling down my cheeks because I am so overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I'm so overwhelmed that in the face of this awful surgery I can still smile and know that I will be OK.

OK, so you probably want all the details from the appointment too. I took really good notes this time and have a lot of facts to share. Regarding yesterday's PET scan it still showed the tumor to be active and quite large. We already knew it was pretty big which is why amputation is absolutely necessary. Good news is that there is NO CANCER ANYWHERE ELSE in my body (other than the two spots on my lungs which we already knew about) :) That's great news!!! I did have a "moment" in the Dr's office today when I had to sign the consent forms. I felt like I was signing away my leg. I know that sounds silly, but that was one of the only "moments" I had today, thankfully. Along with amputating my leg (and I did forget to write down the technical term for this) they will be removing my hip socket and cutting my pelvis to the left and right of that. They will remove the entire area. It's pretty major surgery obviously. I will have to spend a night or two in ICU before being transferred to the regular floor (that's the sixth floor for those of you who have been to Shands). They will be giving me a nerve block or epidural. There will be a lot of pain, but hopefully not as bad as when I had the second break. I'm likely to have phantom pain and sensations. There is a medicine they can give me to help with this and hopefully over time the phantom pains/sensations will either decrease or I will adjust to them. It will take about 2-4 weeks for the wound to heal. Once the wound has healed I will start chemo again. A rigorous course of chemo will be needed after for about another seven months. This is to work on those spots on my lungs and to treat any "roaming" cancer cells. Healing time will be about 6-8 weeks. I have pictures of the area and the tumor and it is huge. In order to have a shot at curing me amputation is the ONLY option. Surgery is scheduled for 11:30 EST. So for those of you at home that will be 10:30 central time. The surgery will last about 4-6 hours. Aside from praying for the Dr's, the surgery's success, and for it to go smoothly, please pray that I can go straight to an ICU room and skip the recovery room. Being in the recovery room is a very emotional thing for me because that is where I first found out I had cancer and I would be all alone in there. I want to wake up to see the faces of people that love me. I want to be surrounded by people that will pray with me. I'm gonna need that support very much tomorrow.

Ok, I think that's all for now. Thank you again for your prayers and thoughts. I appreciate every single one of them.

The Verdict

Well, this is a hard post to write. An even harder reality to live and face head on. I spoke with my orthopedic Dr. today. He feels that my best chances of cure are going to result in amputating my leg. He reviewed all the scans and also got a second opinion from another surgeon. It's a pretty major surgery. They'll have to remove my entire hip socket because the tumor is so high up. He said I'll only be in the hospital 5-7 days after surgery which was a surprise to me. I would think I'd have to be in a lot longer than that. He also said that if needed I can do rehab close to home. I think I'll really want to be home afterward even though coming home will mean facing the reality of being handicap and learning to live life all over again.

I have peace about the surgery. I'm still scared of what afterward will bring. This is such a huge cost. But it's my life that we're gambling with and I suppose there is no cost too high to try and cure me of this horrible cancer. I never saw my life working out like this. It's so amazing what you take for granted. I don't know what the future holds. I know that this is going to be hard. I don't like it. I don't want to loose my leg. But I do want so badly to live. I want to raise my son and enjoy the sweet fellowship with him that I have with my parents now.

I'm still heading back to Shands tomorrow and will be getting a PET scan done. The results of that aren't going to change the surgery though. Unless of course the Lord miraculously heals me between now and then. I'd love to hope for that, but I feel like He wouldn't have given me the peace He has about the surgery if those were His plans. Although I don't know the mind of God. I can't even begin to understand why He is allowing this to happen to me. It breaks my heart. I know though, that God is good even in the valley's. I see that through the grace that He bestows on me daily. I know that He will get me through this as well. I know that when the time comes His grace will come down so mighty and so powerful that there will be no questions as to where my strength comes from.

Please, please be in prayer for me this week. Tomorrow I have the PET scan, Wednesday I will meet with the surgeon and the anesthesiologist, and Thursday I will have surgery. Please pray for the surgeons and that the Lord will guide their hands and give them wisdom that they didn't learn in medical school. Please pray that I get through the surgery OK and that I don't go into shock or anything after the fact. A lot of my fear is in my reaction to myself after they take my leg. So please, please pray.

I don't know when I'll get to post again, but will try to keep you all updated. In the meantime thank you for your prayers, your concern, and your thoughts.

<3 jill

Waiting on the Lord

I had hoped today would bring answers and result in decisions being made. Apparently God has another idea in store. My Orthopedic Oncologist went out of town last night and was to call me today to discuss with me surgical options. Instead my pediatric oncologist and her Nurse Practitioner showed up to discuss the MRI findings with me. Apparently they were quite confusing. It doesn't appear that the tumor has shrunk at all. Although it doesn't seem as if it has shrunk it could quite possible be calcified and dead from all the chemo. It could also have swollen scar tissue around it that was damaged from the first surgery. There are a lot of "ifs" and almost no certainties at this time.

So, the plan is to have a bone scan tomorrow. I already had two xrays done today of my hip and Tuesday morning I will come back to have a PET scan of the area. From my understanding a PET scan will light up any active cancer/tumor cells. IF the tumor is indeed dead and just needs to be scooped out then it will not be "lit up." At this time with so much information needed my Dr's still cannot help me make the best decision and steer me in any general direction. However, once we have all the info that we need we can make an educated, informed decision and proceed. It may be that I need to do a couple of more rounds of chemo to further shrink the tumor before removing it. If that is the case then they will be administering two types of chemo that I have not yet had.

Needless to say no decisions will be made until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Generally I would be a nervous wreck over all of this uncertainty. Friends, I can tell you that I feel the Lord's peace like never before. I am at ease. THE Lord has given me peace about so many things in the last few days. Living, Dying, loosing my leg, and taking the time to make these decisions. The bottom line is that ONLY HE knows the outcome. The doctors cannot tell me with 100% certainty that they can cure me or what my best surgical chances for cure are. But God can cure me. I am reminded of Lazarus, and the woman with the issue of blood. I trust the Lord and whatever He is doing with me right now. It is a constant battle to stay in this place of trust, but I have resolved to wait on Him. Father knows best :)

He has continuously laid on my heart these verses the past few days:
"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." Psalm 27:14

"Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20

"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass." Psalm 37:7

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9

Big Decisions This Week

I got into Gainsville safely last night and started out by having a CT scan of my chest. We then went to have an MRI done of my left hip. Back in November when I had my first MRI it was so painful that after five minutes I couldn't tolerate lying there any longer. I have had such a reduction in my pain levels that I rarely take pain meds any more. It didn't even occur to me to take something prior to this one since I had been doing so well. Low and behold after about 15 minutes of laying on that hard, flat MRI table I was in tears. I tried as hard as I could to lay there and suck it up, but it just put so much pressure on the area where the tumor is. Unfortunately I had to stop the MRI at that point, but I knew once I was admitted to the hospital they would find a way to get me through it.

The MRI should now take place tomorrow around 11am. They will try to sedate me and load me up with pain meds to get through the hour long MRI. This MUST be done, and done as soon as possible. We really need to see how the tumor is responding to be able to make any decisions regarding surgery.

My Orthopedic Oncologist, Dr Gibbs, my Pediatric Oncologist, Dr Lagmay and both of their nurses came in to meet with me this afternoon. The results from the CT chest scan show that the nodules on my lungs have slightly decreased in size but one of them has also calcified which means that those spots are definitely cancerous. In the long run we will need to look at doing surgery to remove those spots unless more appear then they said it would be pointless. This surgery will have to wait until after the big surgery on my hip.

As far as making decisions regarding the surgery to remove the tumor we are on hold until MRI results come in. The Dr's did briefly discuss with me some different options. They feel that my best luck for a complete cure is to amputate my left leg. Although this is still no guarantee. But the breaks in my hip were very bad for my leg and have most likely spread cancer cells in or around that general area. Ideally they would like to be able to completely remove the tumor along with enough healthy tissue around it to make sure they've not only got it all but hopefully prevent it from coming back. I guess the argument is that if I have no leg then it can't come back there. By doing the surgery to remove only the tumor I am at risk of the cancer not only coming back, but having a leg that may or may not be functional. Ultimately the decision is mine to make. This is a very difficult decision. I obviously don't want to loose my leg, but I want to live also very badly. It's not easy any way you look at it. However, I can't worry about this right at the moment because I don't even have the information I need to make an informed decision. All along I have been preparing myself for the possibility of amputation as have the Dr's. When I think about it I'm scared of how life will be different, learning how to get around, what I'll look like, and just being handicap in general. I also feel a peace though that I can't explain. A knowing that if this is the decision I make God will be there holding my hand the whole way. I want to make the right decision and right now I don't know what that is. My Orthopedic Dr. will help me the best that he can by being upfront and helping me to answer any questions I have as well as helping me to make a decision. But again, it's mine to make, they can only suggest what they view as their opinion. I'm very thankful that I have a team of Doctors that I trust and believe to be highly capable.

My Grandma suggested I make a list to weight out the pros and cons. I don't think I want to do that or even know enough about my different options to do so at this moment. When I was talking to Carrie earlier though she reminded me to think on those things that are just, so I've decided to make a list of those things instead :)

My Thinking list on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtue, and praise:

-The Lord is real, He is the author and finisher of my faith
-I know I'm saved
-I have an eternity to look forward to with my Savior
-I have been blessed with the sweetest son
-Jarred has had the Lord's grace continuously on him during this valley
-I have had the blessing of renewed relationships with friends and family
-I have the blessing of having several close, sister-like friends
-I am forgiven
-I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful body of believes and couldn't ask for a better church family
-The Lord has provided my every need during this illness. He's taken care of things before I
even knew I had the need
-This trial has drawn my family and friends closer together

****There are so many more thing that I could name, but these are just a few. I'm trying to not only keep my mind stayed on the Lord, but also keep in remembrance all that He has done for me and how wonderfully He provides. I know He will see me through these next few days and help me make the right decisions.

I ask that you just please pray for me to make the right decisions and have peace beyond all understanding with them.

Thanks :)
Joshua 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed:for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

Home for a few days...

I was so excited last night I could barely sleep. I knew that I would get to come home for a couple of days and I suppose that was too much excitement for me to contain. First thing this morning I was up, packed, dressed, and ready to go. I got my PIC line taken out finally :) The port is doing well. They only leave it accessed while I am in the hospital, so I have nothing dangley and weird hanging off of me at the current moment! I think my Dr's were quite amused with me. Thankfully they had me out of the hospital pretty early. I usually sleep the whole way home, but again I was too excited to sleep much.We came home and dropped my stuff off then went to the church to meet Jarred. He didn't know I was coming to the last minute. He isn't as apt to beam from excitement upon my arrival, but I can tell from the time he's spent tinkering around the house that he is happy to be here and happy I am here as well.

I will be staying till Monday morning and will then be heading back to Gainsville. I have several scans and MRI's Monday evening. Then Tuesday morning I will be admitted for another round of chemo. Hopefully I will get to come home next weekend as well seeing as how I won't have to be back until 15th. I will be having the surgery on the 17th. Still a little nervous about this, but I am trying my best to trust the Lord with whatever the outcome may be.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy this precious and sweet time I have at home with my boy.

A Change of Perspective requires Thinking on Eternal Thoughs...

I have such a heavy burden in my heart regarding this cancer and all who it touches and consumes. Unfortunately, it's not just my life being disrupted but many, many others. Don't get my wrong, I am so thankful that the Lord put those of you in my life to help walk with me and at times carry me through this battle. I just despise that it is so far reaching. I hate the fact that it brings me so far from home. I just feel like I'm missing everything, you know. This is the first year that I haven't gotten to go to Jarred's award ceremony on the last day of school and that just breaks my heart. I want so badly to be there for him. I miss my baby boy more than words can say. It seems like my thoughts have been more in the are of self-pity rather than living what like I do have and enjoying. I feel so limited in this body. All of these thinking patters always result back to the hear and now. In the past couple of months I have not once thought beyond this life or my current sufferings. I think that I must have been so focused on surviving that I lost sight of what I DO have to look forward to.

The endlessness worrying I am doing about keeping my leg or what life will be like in the future will be better spend concentrating on eternity and what awaits for me there. It's not easy. It will require redirection of thoughts. And yes, I am still afraid of what I will find out next week, but I know that the Lord is in control of all of that too and I just have to trust in him with all my heart!

Schedule Update

I am back in Gainsville now. They should be giving my chemo any time now. There is a possibility that I may get to go home for two days this weekend. Don't mention that to Jarred, as I don't want him to be disapointed if it doesn't work out that way. I had my port installed this morning and that went well. My neck and chest are quite sore from where they placed it, but it's not too bad. I got an updated schedule today for the next three weeks. I have to be back in Gainsville by 4:30 on Monday to have a CT scan of my chest. This is when they will look at those spots they saw in my lungs to determine whether or not the cancer did actually metastasize and if so what the status is now that I have had several rounds of chemo. They will also be doing an MRI of my hip/pelvis area. This will be to determine what type of surgery will need to be performed to remove the tumor. I'm still praying that they will not have to amputate my leg. I'd really like to keep it. I'm afraid of that whole process. Of finding out. Of what life will be like if they do take my leg, etc. But I am also trying to lean not unto my own understanding. I'm trying to trust. Sometimes it's so hard! The surgery is scheduled for June 17th. Please be with me in prayer these next couple of weeks.

I'm doing well right now. I feel good and am in good spirits. I miss home like crazy already. I miss Jarred even more. The last couple of days have been crazy. The Lord is working in some mighty mysterious ways. I'm really leaning on Romans 8:28 and trusting that all this craziness is somehow working to our good.

I've been thinking a lot on eternal things and have had a positive change in my perspective. I will post more about that later. Just wanted to let you all know that I am here and ok. I love you all and thank you for your prayers.

Pictures

My parents have been in town visiting the last couple of days and we have had a really good time. We got to go to PF Changs on Friday night for dinner (which is one of my favorite places to eat!) My Mom also took a bunch of pictures of me in the knitted chemo caps that her knitting group have made and sent me. So here are some recent pix.....

Me and Mom an PF Changs


Christa and the girls

Grandma B and me at PF Changs

All the boys (Jarred, Grandpa Don, and Daddy)

This one was made by Kelly

This was made by Amy

This one was made by my mom (The picture doesn't really do it a whole lot of justice)

This one was made by Jill (not me, another one, lol)

This one was made by LeeAnne

This one was made by Tammy

This is a wig my friend Dani got for me. I'm not quiet used to seeing myself with a short haircut, lol (which is funny considering that I'm bald).

The blessing of sweet fellowship

I sometimes think that my blog is becoming very repetitive because I seem to be focused on the same thoughts. I hope not though. Although the Lord keeps giving me the same verses and thoughts over and over. I think maybe He might be trying to drill them in my head, lol!

I say it all the time, but I AM SO GLAD I'M SAVED! I don't know how one goes through this life, yet alone trials and valley's without God. I had the privilege last night to be able to attend the Secret Prayer Partner meeting at church with the ladies. Every six months all the ladies get together and draw names in secret and pray for one special person. At the end of the six months we meet again and reveal who we've been praying for and draw new names. I hadn't been able to attend the last time or two, so it was certainly a blessing to feel well enough to go this time. Since my mom is here I took her along with me. It was such a tremendous blessing. My church is unlike any place I've ever been. The people really and truly care, love, and pray for one another. It is the epitome of what a church should be and the very picture of how Christians should act towards one another. I can't even begin to detail everything that the church has done for me just in the last couple of months since I've been diagnosed. Among many other things there is a family that takes care of my sweet boy when I leave. It is the perfect place for him to be. The church also voted to pay for my cars transmission which had to be replaced just before the last Gainsville trip. They've cooked meals, sat with me, cleaned for me and so much more. I don't know what I would do without these wonderfully, loving people in my life. Most importantly they pray for me daily. Really pray. The friendships that I've built over my three years there are relationships I will have for eternity. I know that God put me in this place for this time because He knew that I would need a very large support group. My mom said yesterday that she had heard that it takes a village to fight cancer. Well, i surely have a village around me and am so thankful for it!

But back to the prayer partner meeting. It was such a blessing to just be there and fellowship with these amazing, godly, praying women. Women that are truly prayer warriors. I enjoy having someone special to pray for. Although I pray for a lot of people all the time there is just something special about having that one lady that is constantly brought to mind. I've always found that having that special someone to pray for and having their burdens to bear helps me focus more on others and less on myself. Which is something I very much want and need to do now more than ever. I often find myself praying and crying out to the Lord on my behalf and feel so selfish because of that. I know the bible says "we have not because we ask not," so I always try to ask.

I am so thankful that the Lord brought me to a good church family. If you are reading this and you go to Faith then I thank God for you. Thank you for the encouragement that you all are, thank you for loving me, thank you for praying for me, and thank you for being such a blessing to me. I love each and every one of you.

A kiss on the cheek........

Sometimes during just an ordinary, mundane day the Lord comes along and gives us a kiss on the cheek. I got to experience this blessing today when my home health nurse came to visit. It's not always the same one. As a matter of fact I've had a different one every time. Today a nice lady came by (even though it took her FOREVER to find my veins to draw blood-hate it when they dig around) and she was a believer. She told me about her son who had a rare blood disorder at birth and was sick for many years before going on a trial treatment. Now he's almost 20 and completely cured. She just sat here and talked about how good God is. She said that at one point she just fell on her face before God and cried out to Him. I know and understand those feelings completely. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was going to cure her son whether by miracle or medicine.

I pray that I can have that type of faith. I trust God completely, but sometimes it's hard because my future is so uncertain. Everyone's is I suppose. But with such a big scary disease it makes the uncertainties that much scarier. I think I'll be happy to just celebrate my birthday this year. I suppose that's my problem sometime, I'm thinking on the future too much. The bible teaches us that we are to "Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?" From that verse I glean that today, this moment, is worth more than worrying about the future. I also know " Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth." I have to constantly remind myself of these verses. It's hard you know, trusting but still being afraid. I need to keep my mind on heavenly, eternal thoughts. Like Corinthians 4:17 teaches "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;"

Anyway, the nurse that came by today was an encouragement to me and a blessing (even if she needs to work on her needle skills, lol!). I hope that you have experienced a kiss on the cheek from the Lord lately too :)

Jesus wept

Jesus Wept.
The shortest sentence on the Bible is big on meaning.
We know that Jesus knew the pain of grief, fatigue, and doubt that we all experience.
Even He was sometimes afraid and unsure of what path He should take.
No wonder everyday people like you and me can feel helpless!
But it's comforting to know how well Jesus understands us.
He is here for me right now.
I know this is a difficult time.
But I want to remind you that Jesus cares too.
He brings me peace and love well beyond my own.
I don't have to bear any troubles alone.
I have Jesus right by my side.

This was a a card that was sent to me and I thought it was nice, so I wanted to share it. I changed the words in the poem a little to reflect it coming from me rather than a third person.

What to blog about????

I've been on a bloggy-break. Sorry for the long delay since my last post. I know that a lot of you read this to keep up-to-date with what's going on with me. After getting out of the hospital (Shands) in the beginning of May I had another brief stint at the hospital at home b/c of my heart. Ugh. I'm still not quite feeling myself yet. I've only been home a few days. But am feeling better and better everyday.

I'm really looking forward to my parents visiting next week, and I hope I have enough energy to make their visit a good one. I'm so glad they're coming. You know, I am so fortunate to have such good family and friends. I think all the time (everyday in fact) that I am so glad I'm saved. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord placed me in this place for this time in my life. Long before I knew I had cancer He was working to make sure I would be taken care of.

"And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered." Matthew 10:28-30

"But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

How much more then will my Father care for me still? He will. I know it. I have such peace about the outcome of my life through Christ. I hope you have it too. I don't know how anyone gets through the day without Christ. I'm constantly saying it. I'm so glad I'm saved.

No, I don't like cancer. There are days when I HATE it. But that hate for this disease is thankfully bringing me closer to the Lord.

I'm at home till the first of June. Then back to Shands for more chemo. I'm hoping in the next days to be feeling like myself again.

Thank you all for your prayers. I do covet them so. I love each and everyone of you and thank God for you!

***Update***

As soon as I had that last post typed out my Cardiologist walked in. She believes that an ablation would be beneficial for me. There, of course, is no guarantee that it will work, but there is about an 80% chance of success. PLEASE begin praying about the success of this now. We will go ahead with Chemo tomorrow and the ablation will be performed on either Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. This also means that I will be staying here through the next round of chemo which will start on the 7th of May.

I am not sure how much longer Grandma B will be with me. She's been here since Monday. I imagine she will stay at least two more days. This will leave me needing someone to be here with me and drive me home, so pray about it and if the Lord puts it on your heart to be here please come :)

I'll be here!

"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." Psalm 27:14

So, what's next?

That seems to be my continuous question here in ICU. It's many of yours as well. The truth is that although there may be a "plan" in place for later today or even tomorrow at any moment that plan can be tossed out the window and a new one made. Sometime things are so complex that the plan is done away with and it takes time to devise a new one so we're just left wondering, what's next. But isn't that life in general? I like to have a plan. I like to stick to the plan. You can then imagine how difficult it has been for me the last couple of months. Waiting is never an easy thing to do. During this time of waiting I have drawn closer to the Lord though. I'm seeing His work come to fruition. Although I can never see the big picture this side of heaven, I'm learning that life works out better when I wait on Him.

I've never considered myself to be a patient person, but I've noticed that through all of this I am at peace during those times I have to wait. Which reminds me of a bible verse, "By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope:" Romans 5:2-4. I could have never imagined myself glorying in tribulations before now. It's amazing what a change in perspective will do. I love that I can so closely identify with the scriptures now. I wish that it didn't take cancer to get me to this place.

As you may already know the cardioversion I had Wednesday afternoon was unsuccessful. The hope was that by shocking my heart it would go back into a normal rhythm/rate. Did you know that when they shock a person with those paddles it leaves a burn! Ouch!! When you see it done on tv you don't really think about specifics of it. It's not that bad though. It looks like someone dropped a min iron on my chest. Anyway, I was very disappointed that it didn't work. However when I woke up early this morning my heart was in a sinus rhythm (that's the normal rhythm)!!! YAY!! I think the Lord just wanted to make sure He was the one receiving the glory, not some crazy machine or Dr's! I'm happy to give Him the glory too! As if that wasn't good enough, the Dr's are allowing me to go ahead and start my chemo in the morning!!!! YAY!!! Hopefully by Monday I will clear the chemo and then one of two things will happen. There is a slight possibility that I may need to have another procedure on my heart to fix the rapid heartbeat. This procedure is called a catheter ablation. If the cardiologist decides I need to have this procedure it would be done early next week. They would give me a few days to recover and then would start my 4th round of chemo on May 7th. After a few days of monitoring I would get to go home for a few weeks. The other possibility is not having the ablation and going home on Monday once the chemo has cleared. I would need to be back to Shands on the 10th of May for my 4th round of chemo. After that I would get to go home for a few weeks.

At this point I am at peace with either option. Of course I would like as much time at home as possible. Especially after being here much longer than expected this time. Although, I don't want to have issues with my heart cause future delay's either. If the ablation would truly "fix" this problem with my heart then I am wholeheartedly for it. This is where the whole plan/change of plan concept comes into play. Today my heart looks good and the Dr's feel they can control it with meds; however, tomorrow could be completely different. Also, the Dr's that I met with this morning had not yet consulted with the cardiologist, so she may have a very different opinion as to what needs to be done.

In the meantime, I'm claiming this as my verse: "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." Psalm 27:14

Trusting the Lord with All my Heart & Sharing it with you

Oh, what a day. Thank you for you prayers in the area of my heart. I met and consulted with Dr's from 9:30am-5pm!! I thought for a moment that they had installed a revolving door in my ICU room, lol!

There were numerous decisions made today and a game plan for tomorrow. YAY!! In the morning I will be having an MRI on my heart to rule out any abnormalities. After that I will be having a TEE (TransEsophageal Echo). This is to make sure there are no blood clots on the back of my heart. Then I will have a cardioversion. This procedure gives the heart a quick shock to pop it back into a normal rhythm/rate. The change is immediate. If all of this goes well and my heart gets back to it's normal rhythm/rate then onward we will march with chemo.

I have prayed a lot about this issue and I know many others are as well. The cardiologist that I am seeing and that will be performing the procedure is the head cardiologist at UF/Shands. She is very confident that this is what I need. I do feel like this is the Lord's answer to our many prayers. However, the procedure itself is quite scary to me. I've been told that it takes maybe five minutes to perform. I just don't quite have peace about it.

Through the many tribulations that I've encountered over the past several months The Lord opened my eyes and I've seen Him become more real to me than ever before. The bible says "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;" Romans 5:3. The truth is that this journey is hard. There are days, like today, that I feel like it's almost too much. It is an awful lot to take all of this in. God knows it's a lot though. He knows. Simply put. I praise God for bringing me this far. I praise Him for my salvation and I will praise him for this tribulation as well.

All of my life Nanny wrote Proverbs 3:5-6 on any correspondence we had. I believe it was her favorite verse. Tonight I have cried out to the Lord. I have poured out my heart to Him on a few different matters. Yesterday and all day today the verse that continually comes to my heart is Proverbs 3:5-6. I've never before related so closely with that verse. Tomorrow I have to quite literally trust the Lord with my heart. Tonight I'm still a little nervous, but I know that in the morning Jesus will be here comforting me and giving me that peace that passes all understanding. Jesus knows my fears, He understands the emotions toiling inside of me, and only He knows how to speak comfort to them. I desperately want to trust more. I want to be a godly woman that pleases the Lord. My desire is to trust the Lord with ALL of my heart. I suppose that if it takes a few of these physical infirmities to teach me how to really trust Him with all my heart it will be worth it all when we see Jesus.

By The Way.....mri, tee, & cardioversion all start at 7am eastern time.

Hoping for Something "Normal"

I'm still in the hospital, lol. They haven't sent me packing yet and are likely not to do so anytime soon. I was pretty disappointed about not getting to go home on time last week, but as always, God had a plan and was keeping me here for very good reasons. Saturday morning my Methotrexate (chemo) levels were just where they needed to be, but my heart was still beating a little too fast and the Dr's wanted to monitor it for at least another day. Considering that I had to be back in town on Monday they decided to just keep me over the weekend. Praise the Lord for that!! (I never thought I'd be praising God for keeping me here, lol) Saturday night my heart started beating WAY too fast and I was transferred to ICU. I'm so glad that I was in the hospital for that little episode. It was very scary. Once they got me down here and stable it was about 3am before I fell asleep. Considering that it was a weekend not a whole lot could be accomplished.

My oncologist has been pushing for me to get an MRI of my heart since I was admitted last week. Thankfully, the other Dr's now feel that needs to be done as well. I've had just about every other test that can be done on the heart with the exception of the MRI & exploratory open heart surgery (which is not at all an option! Whew!!) The oncologist is concerned that there may be lesions on my heart, which would be VERY rare. However, everything thus far has been rare. On this test I am desperately hoping for something normal, or at least not lesions!! The MRI is scheduled for tomorrow as is the procedure to have another port installed. In the meantime I have been put on another beta-blocker that is meant to slow down my heart. I will need to be closely monitored for about three days. I have to stay in the ICU for this because the nursing staff on my floor (the 8th) is not equipped to give me that kind of attention nor can they administer the IV drug that is being used to keep my heart rate under control.

I seriously need prayer about my heart. We need to get it under control so that we can proceed with my chemo schedule. My oncologist explained to me today that in order for this chemo treatment to be as aggressive as it needs to be we have to stick to the schedule and cannot afford more delays. Having the back to back chemo treatments that I am having makes it extremely important to stick to the schedule. Please, please, please pray about this with me. I'm ready to put these heart problems behind me and continue this fight!

From an emotional standpoint though, I am fine. I'm trying really hard not to lean unto my own understanding in this and acknowledge God in every bit of it. I KNOW that He has a plan even in these little delays. God has been so very good to me and I know that He will continue to be so. Before I was diagnosed I took so much for granted. I complained all the time about trivial circumstances and struggled with learning to be content. I don't want those characteristics to pollute my life now. I'd like to, as much as possible while living in reality, think on all the blessings I have. I can see how it would be so easy to get my eyes off of God and the negative aspects of this battle. I am determined not to do so!

I thank God that I am saved by the One who is the author and finisher or my faith.