I have such a heavy burden in my heart regarding this cancer and all who it touches and consumes. Unfortunately, it's not just my life being disrupted but many, many others. Don't get my wrong, I am so thankful that the Lord put those of you in my life to help walk with me and at times carry me through this battle. I just despise that it is so far reaching. I hate the fact that it brings me so far from home. I just feel like I'm missing everything, you know. This is the first year that I haven't gotten to go to Jarred's award ceremony on the last day of school and that just breaks my heart. I want so badly to be there for him. I miss my baby boy more than words can say. It seems like my thoughts have been more in the are of self-pity rather than living what like I do have and enjoying. I feel so limited in this body. All of these thinking patters always result back to the hear and now. In the past couple of months I have not once thought beyond this life or my current sufferings. I think that I must have been so focused on surviving that I lost sight of what I DO have to look forward to.
The endlessness worrying I am doing about keeping my leg or what life will be like in the future will be better spend concentrating on eternity and what awaits for me there. It's not easy. It will require redirection of thoughts. And yes, I am still afraid of what I will find out next week, but I know that the Lord is in control of all of that too and I just have to trust in him with all my heart!
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Friday, June 4, 2010
A Change of Perspective requires Thinking on Eternal Thoughs...
I have such a heavy burden in my heart regarding this cancer and all who it touches and consumes. Unfortunately, it's not just my life being disrupted but many, many others. Don't get my wrong, I am so thankful that the Lord put those of you in my life to help walk with me and at times carry me through this battle. I just despise that it is so far reaching. I hate the fact that it brings me so far from home. I just feel like I'm missing everything, you know. This is the first year that I haven't gotten to go to Jarred's award ceremony on the last day of school and that just breaks my heart. I want so badly to be there for him. I miss my baby boy more than words can say. It seems like my thoughts have been more in the are of self-pity rather than living what like I do have and enjoying. I feel so limited in this body. All of these thinking patters always result back to the hear and now. In the past couple of months I have not once thought beyond this life or my current sufferings. I think that I must have been so focused on surviving that I lost sight of what I DO have to look forward to.
The endlessness worrying I am doing about keeping my leg or what life will be like in the future will be better spend concentrating on eternity and what awaits for me there. It's not easy. It will require redirection of thoughts. And yes, I am still afraid of what I will find out next week, but I know that the Lord is in control of all of that too and I just have to trust in him with all my heart!
The endlessness worrying I am doing about keeping my leg or what life will be like in the future will be better spend concentrating on eternity and what awaits for me there. It's not easy. It will require redirection of thoughts. And yes, I am still afraid of what I will find out next week, but I know that the Lord is in control of all of that too and I just have to trust in him with all my heart!
1 comment:
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Anonymous said...
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You wrote, “I have such a heavy burden in my heart regarding this cancer and all who it touches and consumes. Unfortunately, it's not just my life being disrupted but many, many others. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that the Lord put those of you in my life to help walk with me and at times carry me through this battle. I just despise that it is so far reaching”.
…
Yes, I remember that feeling also. I absolutely hated that I was an unfortunate hardship on family and friends through no fault of my own. I was fully prepared to carry the weight I was given but it pissed me off to no end that I was a weight to others. Then one day a very wise person told me that, “Maybe God was using me in the lives of others for a purpose. Maybe I wasn’t a weight to others but an opportunity for them. Maybe God was giving them a chance to help me so they could return the favor of a previous blessing”.
I am sure your family and friends hurt to see you in such a difficult situation. They hurt because of the love they have in their heart for you. Where do you think that loves comes from?
Maybe you aren’t a weight to others but an opportunity for them.
I’m just sayin’… -
June 9, 2010 at 5:02 PM
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1 comment:
You wrote, “I have such a heavy burden in my heart regarding this cancer and all who it touches and consumes. Unfortunately, it's not just my life being disrupted but many, many others. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that the Lord put those of you in my life to help walk with me and at times carry me through this battle. I just despise that it is so far reaching”.
…
Yes, I remember that feeling also. I absolutely hated that I was an unfortunate hardship on family and friends through no fault of my own. I was fully prepared to carry the weight I was given but it pissed me off to no end that I was a weight to others. Then one day a very wise person told me that, “Maybe God was using me in the lives of others for a purpose. Maybe I wasn’t a weight to others but an opportunity for them. Maybe God was giving them a chance to help me so they could return the favor of a previous blessing”.
I am sure your family and friends hurt to see you in such a difficult situation. They hurt because of the love they have in their heart for you. Where do you think that loves comes from?
Maybe you aren’t a weight to others but an opportunity for them.
I’m just sayin’…
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