Glorying in my Infirmity

Today I am at peace. It's a surprising peace. Not surprising because I doubt the Lord can give it. Surprising because I just didn't expect to be at such peace the day before I have this major surgery. I thought that I would be a little nervous, or very anxious, but no. I have a peace down in the depths of my soul that can only come from Jesus. I know that this is all going to sound so strange, it's just another testimony to how gracious the Lord is towards his saints. I don't know if you remember my post about the day I lost my hair, if not you can read it here. That day I experienced grace from the Lord that I never knew, I felt an almost oneness with Him and a closeness to Him that is not something that happens often. It was almost like He had His hand on my shoulder and was sitting, standing, and walking right beside me all day long. The scariest part of my day was looking at my reflection in the mirror. Not because of pride or vanity, but my reflection would represent the very face of cancer. It made me look at my cancer in the face quite literally. When I did look in the mirror though I felt the Lord say "I will never leave you nor forsake you, I'm right here sweet child and you are still beautiful." What could have been one of the hardest days of my life was transformed into something beautiful and a sweet memory. Because of that grace, the grace that He speaks of in 2 Corinthians 12:9 ("And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.") I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to feeling that closeness with the Lord. Tomorrow will undoubtedly be the hardest day I have ever faced, but I am expecting it to also be a day when I will be closer to the Lord than ever before.

This surgery will make me permanently handicapped. I say though life, bring what you may. I feel victory in the air so thick that I know good things await me on the other side of this challenge. I have decided that this handicap will not limit me. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I choose life instead. That my friends, is the whole purpose of this surgery that I have decided is necessary. Life. My life. Life and a future with my loved ones. With you.

I spoke of victory in the air, I don't know what it is. I just have an overwhelming sense that victory lays ahead. Maybe victory against this cancer, being cured. Maybe victories in souls being saved. Possibly victory over my flesh and fear. Definitely that. Hopefully the leading into a ministry. I don't know what the Lord has ahead for me. I don't know any of the answers to an uncertain future. I do know though that I am saved by the precious blood of Jesus and that He is waiting to spend an eternity with me. Praise the Lord for that. I also know that I trust Him more today than ever before. Each day I pray that trust will grow and grow. So friends, I am glorying in this infirmity and praising my sweet Jesus for allowing it. No matter His reasons. I know that His power, strength, and peace are all flowing over and through me. As I type this tears are rolling down my cheeks because I am so overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I'm so overwhelmed that in the face of this awful surgery I can still smile and know that I will be OK.

OK, so you probably want all the details from the appointment too. I took really good notes this time and have a lot of facts to share. Regarding yesterday's PET scan it still showed the tumor to be active and quite large. We already knew it was pretty big which is why amputation is absolutely necessary. Good news is that there is NO CANCER ANYWHERE ELSE in my body (other than the two spots on my lungs which we already knew about) :) That's great news!!! I did have a "moment" in the Dr's office today when I had to sign the consent forms. I felt like I was signing away my leg. I know that sounds silly, but that was one of the only "moments" I had today, thankfully. Along with amputating my leg (and I did forget to write down the technical term for this) they will be removing my hip socket and cutting my pelvis to the left and right of that. They will remove the entire area. It's pretty major surgery obviously. I will have to spend a night or two in ICU before being transferred to the regular floor (that's the sixth floor for those of you who have been to Shands). They will be giving me a nerve block or epidural. There will be a lot of pain, but hopefully not as bad as when I had the second break. I'm likely to have phantom pain and sensations. There is a medicine they can give me to help with this and hopefully over time the phantom pains/sensations will either decrease or I will adjust to them. It will take about 2-4 weeks for the wound to heal. Once the wound has healed I will start chemo again. A rigorous course of chemo will be needed after for about another seven months. This is to work on those spots on my lungs and to treat any "roaming" cancer cells. Healing time will be about 6-8 weeks. I have pictures of the area and the tumor and it is huge. In order to have a shot at curing me amputation is the ONLY option. Surgery is scheduled for 11:30 EST. So for those of you at home that will be 10:30 central time. The surgery will last about 4-6 hours. Aside from praying for the Dr's, the surgery's success, and for it to go smoothly, please pray that I can go straight to an ICU room and skip the recovery room. Being in the recovery room is a very emotional thing for me because that is where I first found out I had cancer and I would be all alone in there. I want to wake up to see the faces of people that love me. I want to be surrounded by people that will pray with me. I'm gonna need that support very much tomorrow.

Ok, I think that's all for now. Thank you again for your prayers and thoughts. I appreciate every single one of them.