***Update***

As soon as I had that last post typed out my Cardiologist walked in. She believes that an ablation would be beneficial for me. There, of course, is no guarantee that it will work, but there is about an 80% chance of success. PLEASE begin praying about the success of this now. We will go ahead with Chemo tomorrow and the ablation will be performed on either Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. This also means that I will be staying here through the next round of chemo which will start on the 7th of May.

I am not sure how much longer Grandma B will be with me. She's been here since Monday. I imagine she will stay at least two more days. This will leave me needing someone to be here with me and drive me home, so pray about it and if the Lord puts it on your heart to be here please come :)

I'll be here!

"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." Psalm 27:14

So, what's next?

That seems to be my continuous question here in ICU. It's many of yours as well. The truth is that although there may be a "plan" in place for later today or even tomorrow at any moment that plan can be tossed out the window and a new one made. Sometime things are so complex that the plan is done away with and it takes time to devise a new one so we're just left wondering, what's next. But isn't that life in general? I like to have a plan. I like to stick to the plan. You can then imagine how difficult it has been for me the last couple of months. Waiting is never an easy thing to do. During this time of waiting I have drawn closer to the Lord though. I'm seeing His work come to fruition. Although I can never see the big picture this side of heaven, I'm learning that life works out better when I wait on Him.

I've never considered myself to be a patient person, but I've noticed that through all of this I am at peace during those times I have to wait. Which reminds me of a bible verse, "By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope:" Romans 5:2-4. I could have never imagined myself glorying in tribulations before now. It's amazing what a change in perspective will do. I love that I can so closely identify with the scriptures now. I wish that it didn't take cancer to get me to this place.

As you may already know the cardioversion I had Wednesday afternoon was unsuccessful. The hope was that by shocking my heart it would go back into a normal rhythm/rate. Did you know that when they shock a person with those paddles it leaves a burn! Ouch!! When you see it done on tv you don't really think about specifics of it. It's not that bad though. It looks like someone dropped a min iron on my chest. Anyway, I was very disappointed that it didn't work. However when I woke up early this morning my heart was in a sinus rhythm (that's the normal rhythm)!!! YAY!! I think the Lord just wanted to make sure He was the one receiving the glory, not some crazy machine or Dr's! I'm happy to give Him the glory too! As if that wasn't good enough, the Dr's are allowing me to go ahead and start my chemo in the morning!!!! YAY!!! Hopefully by Monday I will clear the chemo and then one of two things will happen. There is a slight possibility that I may need to have another procedure on my heart to fix the rapid heartbeat. This procedure is called a catheter ablation. If the cardiologist decides I need to have this procedure it would be done early next week. They would give me a few days to recover and then would start my 4th round of chemo on May 7th. After a few days of monitoring I would get to go home for a few weeks. The other possibility is not having the ablation and going home on Monday once the chemo has cleared. I would need to be back to Shands on the 10th of May for my 4th round of chemo. After that I would get to go home for a few weeks.

At this point I am at peace with either option. Of course I would like as much time at home as possible. Especially after being here much longer than expected this time. Although, I don't want to have issues with my heart cause future delay's either. If the ablation would truly "fix" this problem with my heart then I am wholeheartedly for it. This is where the whole plan/change of plan concept comes into play. Today my heart looks good and the Dr's feel they can control it with meds; however, tomorrow could be completely different. Also, the Dr's that I met with this morning had not yet consulted with the cardiologist, so she may have a very different opinion as to what needs to be done.

In the meantime, I'm claiming this as my verse: "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." Psalm 27:14

Trusting the Lord with All my Heart & Sharing it with you

Oh, what a day. Thank you for you prayers in the area of my heart. I met and consulted with Dr's from 9:30am-5pm!! I thought for a moment that they had installed a revolving door in my ICU room, lol!

There were numerous decisions made today and a game plan for tomorrow. YAY!! In the morning I will be having an MRI on my heart to rule out any abnormalities. After that I will be having a TEE (TransEsophageal Echo). This is to make sure there are no blood clots on the back of my heart. Then I will have a cardioversion. This procedure gives the heart a quick shock to pop it back into a normal rhythm/rate. The change is immediate. If all of this goes well and my heart gets back to it's normal rhythm/rate then onward we will march with chemo.

I have prayed a lot about this issue and I know many others are as well. The cardiologist that I am seeing and that will be performing the procedure is the head cardiologist at UF/Shands. She is very confident that this is what I need. I do feel like this is the Lord's answer to our many prayers. However, the procedure itself is quite scary to me. I've been told that it takes maybe five minutes to perform. I just don't quite have peace about it.

Through the many tribulations that I've encountered over the past several months The Lord opened my eyes and I've seen Him become more real to me than ever before. The bible says "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;" Romans 5:3. The truth is that this journey is hard. There are days, like today, that I feel like it's almost too much. It is an awful lot to take all of this in. God knows it's a lot though. He knows. Simply put. I praise God for bringing me this far. I praise Him for my salvation and I will praise him for this tribulation as well.

All of my life Nanny wrote Proverbs 3:5-6 on any correspondence we had. I believe it was her favorite verse. Tonight I have cried out to the Lord. I have poured out my heart to Him on a few different matters. Yesterday and all day today the verse that continually comes to my heart is Proverbs 3:5-6. I've never before related so closely with that verse. Tomorrow I have to quite literally trust the Lord with my heart. Tonight I'm still a little nervous, but I know that in the morning Jesus will be here comforting me and giving me that peace that passes all understanding. Jesus knows my fears, He understands the emotions toiling inside of me, and only He knows how to speak comfort to them. I desperately want to trust more. I want to be a godly woman that pleases the Lord. My desire is to trust the Lord with ALL of my heart. I suppose that if it takes a few of these physical infirmities to teach me how to really trust Him with all my heart it will be worth it all when we see Jesus.

By The Way.....mri, tee, & cardioversion all start at 7am eastern time.

Hoping for Something "Normal"

I'm still in the hospital, lol. They haven't sent me packing yet and are likely not to do so anytime soon. I was pretty disappointed about not getting to go home on time last week, but as always, God had a plan and was keeping me here for very good reasons. Saturday morning my Methotrexate (chemo) levels were just where they needed to be, but my heart was still beating a little too fast and the Dr's wanted to monitor it for at least another day. Considering that I had to be back in town on Monday they decided to just keep me over the weekend. Praise the Lord for that!! (I never thought I'd be praising God for keeping me here, lol) Saturday night my heart started beating WAY too fast and I was transferred to ICU. I'm so glad that I was in the hospital for that little episode. It was very scary. Once they got me down here and stable it was about 3am before I fell asleep. Considering that it was a weekend not a whole lot could be accomplished.

My oncologist has been pushing for me to get an MRI of my heart since I was admitted last week. Thankfully, the other Dr's now feel that needs to be done as well. I've had just about every other test that can be done on the heart with the exception of the MRI & exploratory open heart surgery (which is not at all an option! Whew!!) The oncologist is concerned that there may be lesions on my heart, which would be VERY rare. However, everything thus far has been rare. On this test I am desperately hoping for something normal, or at least not lesions!! The MRI is scheduled for tomorrow as is the procedure to have another port installed. In the meantime I have been put on another beta-blocker that is meant to slow down my heart. I will need to be closely monitored for about three days. I have to stay in the ICU for this because the nursing staff on my floor (the 8th) is not equipped to give me that kind of attention nor can they administer the IV drug that is being used to keep my heart rate under control.

I seriously need prayer about my heart. We need to get it under control so that we can proceed with my chemo schedule. My oncologist explained to me today that in order for this chemo treatment to be as aggressive as it needs to be we have to stick to the schedule and cannot afford more delays. Having the back to back chemo treatments that I am having makes it extremely important to stick to the schedule. Please, please, please pray about this with me. I'm ready to put these heart problems behind me and continue this fight!

From an emotional standpoint though, I am fine. I'm trying really hard not to lean unto my own understanding in this and acknowledge God in every bit of it. I KNOW that He has a plan even in these little delays. God has been so very good to me and I know that He will continue to be so. Before I was diagnosed I took so much for granted. I complained all the time about trivial circumstances and struggled with learning to be content. I don't want those characteristics to pollute my life now. I'd like to, as much as possible while living in reality, think on all the blessings I have. I can see how it would be so easy to get my eyes off of God and the negative aspects of this battle. I am determined not to do so!

I thank God that I am saved by the One who is the author and finisher or my faith.

Update from the Hospital

I'm learning that more often than not we will NOT be sticking to the "schedule" of treatment that has been given to me. There are so many variables that come into play. This week is a prime example of what can go wrong.

Monday morning I had a follow-up appointment with the cardiologist. When I got there the nurse needed to take my vitals. I had been quite anxious all morning. Considering this was the first time I've gone back to the hospital since the last stay where I was diagnosed with cancer and stayed a whole month I don't think it was out of the norm for my to be a bit anxious. When the nurse took my vitals my heart rate was at 140. She wanted me to go ahead and go to Shands, get admitted, and once on the floor request the Cardiac Dr's to be called. They were supposed to come by to see about putting me on some type of meds. We waited all day Monday to no avail. The cardiac Dr's also had to clear me to start my chemo. So basically we didn't get much accomplished on Monday.

Bright and early Tuesday one of the Dr's that is in charge of this floor came in and said that things were moving right along. They were ordering the bags for me to be hydrated for four hours prior to chemo. Then we would start the chemo. YAY! Now it looked like things were really moving along. This particular type of chemo drug is called Methotrexate. After giving me this in IV form the must large amounts of fluids throughout my body. Yes, this sounds counterproductive! According to the Dr's and scientists that have set up this protocol this is the way it must be done. So anyway, they have to check the levels of Methotrexate in my system at 24 hours (must be <10), 48 hours (<1), and 72hours (<0.1). I cleared on the first two and the last one I was still a little high.

All week I've been pretty adamant about going home on Friday. When it comes down to it though, I don't want to do something that could likely jeopardize my health. It surely doesn't seem very wise for me to be running my mouth about wanting to go home when we are going so far out of the way just to get treatment. I knew that this week would be different for a lot of reasons. This new found perspective was certainly not something I saw happening.

As I began to get myself packed up and ready to go today with the realization dawning on me that I wasn't going anywhere I became very emotional and had a great deal of anxiety. Even this was a good thing though because now the Dr's had a chance to look closer at what my heart was/is doing and put me on some beta-blockers to try and help with it's beating so fast. I feel much better now that I have just accepted that this is the way it is. I can't change this plan and don't need to either. Lord only knows what He could be protecting us from out there on the road at night had we left at 5pm.

I still don't know what's wrong with my heart. It is very concerning to me, so please pray about that specifically. It's so scary because I never would have thought that my hip pain would end in a cancer diagnoses. But I also can't live every day wondering about the "what if''s!" My heart already belongs to Jesus and I need to just trust Him with it (and remind myself of that a million times a day!).

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Rather than allowing myself to get anxious and try to figure out things in my own little pea brain, I need to just sit back and watch the Lord's plan unfold. This is a lesson I'm learning over and over again and in all different types of circumstances. The natural "planner" in me wants to have a plan and stick to it, but in a way doesn't that remove the Holy Spirit's leading in my life if I'm always trying to carry all the burdens and take on the weight of the world? I'm pretty sure that Jesus would rather carry these burdens and many more for me! "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." So, I can't promise I would try to take control of things again, but I am going to try to take a step back when things go beyond my reach and remember who is really taking care of me!

It's almost encouraging to me that I still have so much to learn as I walk with Christ. Surely He's not done with me here yet :)

A few of you have asked me about Jarred. Yes, I did tell him that I have cancer. In the past several weeks the grace of God has been an almost tangible presence in our home. Praise the Lord that His grace is spilling over onto Jarred as well. He handled the news much better than I had anticipated and I just can't stop praising God for that. However, Jarred does tend to hold everything in. He's your typical boy and doesn't open up much or talk too much about his feelings. It's really hard for me to get him to open up and talk to him about my disease. When I left Sunday to drive to Gainsville He came up to me with big crocodile tears streaming down his face. It just broke my heart. I told him I would be home by Thursday or Friday (no you see why I was so anxious when I found out I wasn't going home today :( ) He's just having a really hard time right now. He needs every prayer just as much if not more than me.

There are days that It breaks my heart that we are having to go through this. Then there are other days when I know that all is right in the world and this is my path that the Lord has set before me. Please pray for me to continually grow closer to Him during this valley. Pray for me to have a better testimony and a sweeter spirit.

In the meantime I'm learning that this time in the hospital can be viewed as a time to get in the bible and mentally prepare for the battle that is all around me. It can be used as a time to rest or catch up. That way when I'm home and feeling well I can devote all my time to loving on Jarred and being there for him.

Thank you again for your prayers :)
Jillian

God's Grace

I just want to share publicly how amazing the God that I serve is. This post is about my hair loss. It is really quite detailed and ugly in parts. I only want to share the worst of my battle thus far to show just how good God is and the unbelievable amount of grace that only He can give. There are two pictures as well, so if you are reading this and these things bother you, you may want to skip over this post. Ok, so that's my disclaimer.

This morning when I woke up I combed through my hair and a great deal (maybe half of what was left-which wasn't much) fell out. I've been dealing with the hair loss for several days. I didn't realize that it would start so soon. I expected it to start happening maybe after two or three chemo treatments. It actually starts about two weeks after the first treatment. The first bit began to fall out last Tuesday. At first it was just maybe a small lock of hair when I ran my fingers through it. It progressively got worse every day. That's when reality started setting in and I started having a really hard time. I would just randomly cry every time I thought about it or mentioned it. It's good that I finally started to cry because I hadn't cried much since the diagnoses. Tears are a healing thing and I realized that as I was progressing through acceptance of what was happening. It was still so hard though. It's really a very ugly part of the process you know? As if it wasn't bad enough to be dealing with it on an emotional level it was very aggravating because my hair is so long that it was EVERYWHERE. I mean I was starting to feel like Cousin It because when I got up I would leave a path of hair in my wake.

Prior to any of this taking place I thought that I would be perfectly Ok with loosing my hair and that once it started happening I would immediately want to shave it all off. Well that wasn't the case and that was really surprising to me. As I said though, I think the emotional difficulty was a necessary step in accepting what is happening in my life. A step that God allowed. A hard step that He knew was necessary to work together for good in my Christian walk. The bible says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. I've never truly felt that verse hit home, or seen it's fruition in my life more clearly than today.

So basically the past couple of days had been very emotional. Since Sunday my hair started falling out in large amounts. Every night and every morning Carrie and I would sit and slowly and patiently comb through my hair so as not to pull too much out. I would sit on my bed and cry as she combed my hair and clumps of it would come out in her hands. She would hug me and let me cry and I would say that I just wasn't ready to have it all gone yet. I just wasn't ready for this step. I wasn't ready to be bald. I wasn't ready to see myself bald. I didn't want to look like a cancer patient. Every night for the past few nights I cried out to God for comfort. I knew only He knew my heart and the feelings I felt. Then this morning when I woke up and combed my hair and watched it fall to my lap I had peace. A peace that passes any understanding I could ever have. A peace that only comes from trusting in the Lord.

After Jarred left for school I told Carrie that I thought maybe I wanted to shave all my hair off today (or what was left-it wasn't patchy yet, but was so thin). I finally felt that I was "there." At that point where I was just ready to be past dealing with loosing hair. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I was definitely ready. Carrie asked if I wanted her to sit and comb it. We figured it would all come out from combing it really good. I told her yes, that's what I wanted to do but first I wanted to pray. In those precious moments that I asked the Lord to come meet with us and to give me peace and be with me in the way that only He can be, I felt Him here. I knew that it would be OK. It took combing my hair for about an hour, gently pulling it out, then taking a shower to wash it and pull out more. By then it was patchy and needed to be shaved off. I called my dear friend Shauna who was a hairdresser and has given me all of my haircuts, styles, and colors for the past three years, and I asked if she could come over and use the clippers to shave the rest off. She gladly obliged. As we sat in my kitchen and the little bit of hair I had left was cut and shaved down to the skin we talked about the Lord, about how my hair would grow back , and just talked about life. In all of today's events I felt no sadness, no sorrow, no pain. I wasn't afraid and I had no doubt of the Lord's goodness or love for me. All day today I've had a smile on my face. I've laughed so much today. More than I have in a long time.

After Shauna finished I put a cute little bandanna on my head and tied it up. I didn't look in the mirror right away. That was the part I was most hesitant about. Although I was not fearful, I still took the time and prayed until I felt ready to look at myself. After dinner I quietly went to the bathroom alone and prayed. I knew that was the time. I took off my headdress and was amazed that I could look at myself without cringing, crying, sadness, or any negative feelings whatsoever. When I looked in the mirror I could feel the hand of God and know in my heart that I will never have to walk this road alone. He will never leave me or forsake me.

The only tears that I have shed today have been tears of happiness, tears of joy. I've taken the time to detail all of this to share just how amazing the grace of God in one's life can be. Today could have been such a hard day. It could have been awful. There is no way that I can explain to you just how astounding it has been to walk in my shoes today. There's no way that I can express the fullness I have felt in Christ today. I have never in my life been happier to be saved and living for the Lord than I am today. To really and truly see God work all these things that I have experienced over the past week together for good in my life right now leaves me in awe.

This picture was taken last week when my hair began falling out


This picture was taken tonight

It's not an easy road.......

There are times in this life when you feel like your on a mountain top. Everything is good. Life is smooth and easy. Happy times. Times of pure joy. I've had so many of these times in the past four years (since I've been saved). I feel so blessed to have enjoyed so much. To have lived so fully. To have known what's it's like to be on the mountain top with God.

When the Dr. first told me I had cancer I was alone in the recovery room. After he spoke with me my mind raced back to the past and the regrets that I have because I was saved so late in life (when I was 26). Then my mind grazed over all the goodness that I have experienced because of being saved and living my life for the Lord. In those few seconds I determined not to ever think on the past again. I knew all I had was that day and each day following that the Lord grants me. I knew that I wanted to LIVE every day of my life that the Lord gave me and live it to the fullest for Him. I knew that I wanted to share His word, His work, and His love with all that I come in contact with. By myself, without any family or friends near, alone in that recovery room I knew that I was not alone at all, but that my Savior, my Redeemer, my Friend was right there with me. Comforting me, loving me, letting me know that I didn't HAVE to walk this road alone.

In the hospital I was so sure of these things. So confident that the Lord was there and I knew with all my heart that He was taking care of me. Taking care of things before I even knew I needed them. Then I came home. Then I started loosing my hair. Then the reality of living with cancer came. Then the realization that my life and everything is different presented it's self. And I took my eyes off of what I know to be true. I took my eyes off of the Lord's goodness. Like Peter when he walked on water to Jesus and took his eyes off of Him, I too sank because of my doubt.

Thankfully I serve a God that is good. A God that in spite of myself and my doubt He still reminds me that He is here. I just need to call on Him. He hasn't left me alone in this valley. I just have to reach out. I just have to keep my eyes set on Him. I just need to continue storing His word in my heart and holding to His love. The bible says "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39. So from that verse alone I know that cancer isn't getting in the way of God's love for me. The bible also says "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. I can't imagine what that will be like. To have glory revealed in me? Wow, that's pretty amazing isn't it?!? I could go on and on with what the bible says about God's love for me and the fact that I don't have to travel this road alone. What a comfort that is. Knowing that when life gets tough, at it's worst, the Lord is there. Refining me and loving me.

I'll be honest, this is hard. It's not easy looking cancer in the face. This is surely a valley in my life. However, if God was good to me in the good times then He is surely good to me now. God hasn't changed. My circumstances in life have, but God will never change. It is His very nature to be good. For that I am thankful. Knowing that God is constant brings me peace. That is something I can rest in. He says "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30. Even though this road is hard all I have to do is come unto Him. He alone will be my source of peace, rest, love, and comfort. The valley may not be easy, but I know God is doing a work in me. I know that He is refining me. This is where my sanctification is taking place.

I'm so glad I'm saved. I can't even fathom facing this without the Lord.

Thursday Thirteen

1. I have to go get lab work done today. Curious to see how my counts are in comparison to Monday.

2. It's overcast outside :( I was really hoping for a nice sunny day so that I could sit out of doors for a while!

3. My hair. It's falling out. I guess I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. I wonder what I will look like bald.

4. My Dr. says that I shouldn't take the supplements that Mom wants me to take. I wonder if the Dr. is just being difficult? Did she really give it any thought? I will have to talk to her about this more when I go back on the 19th.

5. My bedroom is still a disaster area. I need to start cleaning in there. Better yet, I need to just go in there with a huge trash bag and start throwing stuff away.

6. I need to also clean out the freezer. That will have to wait until tomorrow.

7. I've been attempting to make a very important phone call with no luck. I would just like to have it over with :(

8. Sushi. I want to go eat some next week maybe??? Who wants to join me? (Christa??)

9. Talking to Jarred about the "c" word.

10. I would like to go to Sams soon. However that will require first cleaning out the freezer and fridge!

11. IS so glad for the peace that passes all understanding.

12. Is thankful for my many friends.

13. Looks forward to getting old.

Prayer Request

I have been breaking down little bits of information to Jarred daily regarding my treatment and disease. Yesterday I told him that I will loose all of my hair (which is starting to fall out, not a lot yet though) and he was very disturbed about that. He did not like the idea of having a bald mom at all. He thought that was really embarrassing. Bless his heart. I hadn't considered buying a wig previously because I just don't care that much. I figured I would just wear caps or hats. I suppose I'll need to buy one now though for his sake. Other than that he seems to be taking the information well. I have yet to tell him that I have cancer. He knows I have a disease called osteosarcoma and cancer is just another word. But it is a scary word for kids. A very scary word for a little boy who has only known life with his mother. We know that cancer is small and God is big. I know that God is going to heal me. I have great confidence in what the Lord is allowing in my life right now and what He will do through this. However, it still breaks my heart to think of looking into Jarred's big brown eyes and say to him that I have cancer. So, will you please pray with me about how to do this? I know that I want to tell him before I go back to Shands for my next round of chemo on the 19th. I just need the Lord's wisdom and the right words. I know that He alone can give them to me.

Life Comes At You Fast

Everyday people die from tragic accidents, out of the blue, with no expectancy at all. Life just happens. It happens fast. Doesn't that make you want to know for sure where you will spend eternity? Do you know if you will go to heaven or hell when you die? The good news, the best news actually is that you can know now and have full certainty of what will happen to you in the afterlife.
My Friend: I am asking you the most important question of life. Your joy or your sorrow for all eternity depends upon your answer. The question is: Are you saved? It is not a question of how good you are, nor if you are a church member, but are you saved? Are you sure you will go to Heaven when you die?

God says in order to go to Heaven, you must be born again. In John 3:7, Jesus said to Nicodemus, "Ye must be born again."

In the Bible God gives us the plan of how to be born again which means to be saved. His plan is simple! You can be saved today. How? First, my friend, you must realize you are a sinner. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).

Because you are a sinner, you are condemned to death. "For the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23). This includes eternal separation from God in Hell.".it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment" (Hebrews 9:27).

But God loved you so much He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus, to bear your sin and die in your place, "...He hath made Him to be sin for us...that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Jesus had to shed His blood and die. "For the life of the flesh is in the blood" (Leviticus 17:11). "...without shedding of blood is no remission" (Hebrews 9:22).

"...God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).

Although we cannot understand how, God said my sins and your sins were laid upon Jesus and He died in our place. He became our substitute. It is true. God cannot lie.

"God...commandeth all men everywhere to repent" (Acts 17:30). This repentance is a change of mind that agrees with God that one is a sinner, and also agrees with what Jesus did for us on the Cross.

In Acts 16:30-31, the Philipian jailer asked Paul and Silas: "...'Sirs, what must I do to be saved?' And they said, 'Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved...'"

Simply believe in Him as the one who bore your sin, died in your place, was buried, and whom God resurrected. His resurrection powerfully assures that the believer can claim everlasting life when Jesus is received as Savior.

"But as many as received Him, to them gave He power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on His name" (John 1:12).

"For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" (Romans 10:13).

Whosoever includes you. Shall be saved means not maybe, nor can, but shall be saved.

Surely, you realize you are a sinner. Right now, wherever you are, repenting, lift your heart to God in prayer.

In Luke 18:13, the sinner prayed: "God be merciful to me a sinner."

Just take God at His word and claim His salvation by faith. Believe and you will be saved. No church, no lodge, no good works can save you. Remember, God does the saving. All of it!

God's simple plan of salvation is: You are a sinner. Therefore, unless you believe in Jesus Who died in your place, you will spend eternity in Hell. If you believe on Him as your crucified, buried, and risen Savior, you receive forgiveness for all of your sins and His gift of eternal salvation by faith.

If His plan is not perfectly clear, read this message over and over, without laying it down until you understand it. Your soul is worth more than all the world.

"For what shall it profit a man , if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" (Mark 8:36).

Be sure you are saved. If you lose your soul, you miss Heaven and lose all. Please! Let God save you this very moment.

God's power will save you, keep you saved, and enable you to live a victorious Christian life. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation make a way of escape, that ye may be able to bear it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Do not trust your feelings. They change. Stand on God's promises. They never change. After you are saved, there are three things to practice daily for spiritual growth: Pray - you talk to God. Read your Bible - God talks to you. Witness - you talk for God.

You should be baptized in obedience to the Lord Jesus Christ as a public testimony of your salvation, and then unite with a Bible-believing church without delay. "Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord..." (2 Timothy 1:8).

"Whosoever therefore shall confess Me before men, him will I confess also before My Father which is in heaven" (Matthew 10:32)

Somedays You Just Know

This morning when I woke up I just knew it was gonna be a good day. I had had the blessing of getting up and having breakfast with my son. Just sitting at the table with him and thinking on what a blessing that actually is settled in my heart that it was just gonna be a good day. Nothing special or out of the ordinary has happened today. It's been beautiful outside though. As usual the birds on my street are singing their little hearts out. Other than that it's been quiet and calm.

An old friend visited today. As we sat talking on the couch and discussing this battle that I face I told him that I know in my heart that God is going to heal me. Then I said and thought something that I haven't had cross my mind before. I said you know... God didn't save me out of that awful, sinful life that I was involved in before to just lead me to this point and let me die. My testimony is just too powerful and has the potential to reach too many. This is just another step in refining me and making me more useful for Him. I've thought on that today an awful lot. The life I lived prior to becoming saved is so far from the person that most of you know today. Isn't that the case for us all though? Isn't that the point? That HE makes us new creatures when He saves us? I suppose I needed to think on that life I lived though and just how horrible, sad, and hopeless it was to realize that there HAS to be more than this being the culmination of my life for the Lord. I don't know His thoughts and His ways are surely not my own because I would certainly choose the easy way out every time. Anyway these are just my thoughts and musings.......

Getting Setteleted in @ Home.....

I was discharged from Shands on Wednesday and sent home for a few weeks before the next chemo treatment. I have to say that the very first day home was really hard. It was the day when reality came running and hit me smack in the face. It was hard. Very Hard. Very Scary. It's not like before I left when I had energy to do what needed to be done just not the abilities to actually do them. My time in the hospital was such a whirlwind that you can't even imagine. I mean basically I went to the ER in Destin and before I knew it was transported in the wee hours of the night to Gainsville by Ambulance. I've had to recap many times everything that happened to others just to make sure that I understand what's going on. So I think that I have gotten it all figured out now and all the pieces put together. I have Cancer. Osteosarcoma to exact. *sigh*

The good news is that I serve a God who is bigger that this little cancer. He is bigger than any disease that comes my way and He is ready to bear this burden for me. So, as hard as it is I'm constantly giving it to him. I've never felt more the need to take up my cross and follow daily. When I think of the Lord and all he has done in my life I know that He can get me through this as well. This may be a little bigger and a little harder to endure. This may be a rare cancer for someone my age, but you know what I say to that??? It just gives God the ability to do a mightier work and astound the medical field. I want this battle to be of and for the Lord. I want to commit myself daily to him and allow Him to transform me and work in me in such a real way that was never possible before. Am I scared? Yes, I'm terrified. Is this going to be hard? Yes, it is. But I know that my God is bigger than all of this and that He has given me this disease for either my good or His glory.

The chemo treatments are not so bad at first, but a couple days later they just take every ounce of my energy. I dislike that the most. I feel completely wiped out and no matter how much I sleep I'm still just exhausted. My Dr. said that I will loose my hair, but I say hey, maybe we'll finally figure out what my natural color is, lol. Also my mom's knitting group are making me a bunch of cute little caps. I'm trying to come up with a top 10 list for having no hair. I'll let you know once I do. If you have any suggestions let me know :)

I've been thinking so much about how the Lord has worked in my life since I've been saved. How he brought me here to Niceville, how He put me in a wonderful loving church that truly exemplifies the meaning of church family, how He has provided for me over and over again. God put me here in this place for this time. I just hope that I can honor and glorify Him throughout this fight and remember no matter how bad things may get physically that God still loves me and this is all part of His plan.

Next post I'll tell you all about Nutrition's fight against cancer and what I am (with the pushing of many loved ones) doing to boost my immune system.