I'm learning that more often than not we will NOT be sticking to the "schedule" of treatment that has been given to me. There are so many variables that come into play. This week is a prime example of what can go wrong.
Monday morning I had a follow-up appointment with the cardiologist. When I got there the nurse needed to take my vitals. I had been quite anxious all morning. Considering this was the first time I've gone back to the hospital since the last stay where I was diagnosed with cancer and stayed a whole month I don't think it was out of the norm for my to be a bit anxious. When the nurse took my vitals my heart rate was at 140. She wanted me to go ahead and go to Shands, get admitted, and once on the floor request the Cardiac Dr's to be called. They were supposed to come by to see about putting me on some type of meds. We waited all day Monday to no avail. The cardiac Dr's also had to clear me to start my chemo. So basically we didn't get much accomplished on Monday.
Bright and early Tuesday one of the Dr's that is in charge of this floor came in and said that things were moving right along. They were ordering the bags for me to be hydrated for four hours prior to chemo. Then we would start the chemo. YAY! Now it looked like things were really moving along. This particular type of chemo drug is called Methotrexate. After giving me this in IV form the must large amounts of fluids throughout my body. Yes, this sounds counterproductive! According to the Dr's and scientists that have set up this protocol this is the way it must be done. So anyway, they have to check the levels of Methotrexate in my system at 24 hours (must be <10), 48 hours (<1), and 72hours (<0.1). I cleared on the first two and the last one I was still a little high.
All week I've been pretty adamant about going home on Friday. When it comes down to it though, I don't want to do something that could likely jeopardize my health. It surely doesn't seem very wise for me to be running my mouth about wanting to go home when we are going so far out of the way just to get treatment. I knew that this week would be different for a lot of reasons. This new found perspective was certainly not something I saw happening.
As I began to get myself packed up and ready to go today with the realization dawning on me that I wasn't going anywhere I became very emotional and had a great deal of anxiety. Even this was a good thing though because now the Dr's had a chance to look closer at what my heart was/is doing and put me on some beta-blockers to try and help with it's beating so fast. I feel much better now that I have just accepted that this is the way it is. I can't change this plan and don't need to either. Lord only knows what He could be protecting us from out there on the road at night had we left at 5pm.
I still don't know what's wrong with my heart. It is very concerning to me, so please pray about that specifically. It's so scary because I never would have thought that my hip pain would end in a cancer diagnoses. But I also can't live every day wondering about the "what if''s!" My heart already belongs to Jesus and I need to just trust Him with it (and remind myself of that a million times a day!).
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
Rather than allowing myself to get anxious and try to figure out things in my own little pea brain, I need to just sit back and watch the Lord's plan unfold. This is a lesson I'm learning over and over again and in all different types of circumstances. The natural "planner" in me wants to have a plan and stick to it, but in a way doesn't that remove the Holy Spirit's leading in my life if I'm always trying to carry all the burdens and take on the weight of the world? I'm pretty sure that Jesus would rather carry these burdens and many more for me! "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." So, I can't promise I would try to take control of things again, but I am going to try to take a step back when things go beyond my reach and remember who is really taking care of me!
It's almost encouraging to me that I still have so much to learn as I walk with Christ. Surely He's not done with me here yet :)
A few of you have asked me about Jarred. Yes, I did tell him that I have cancer. In the past several weeks the grace of God has been an almost tangible presence in our home. Praise the Lord that His grace is spilling over onto Jarred as well. He handled the news much better than I had anticipated and I just can't stop praising God for that. However, Jarred does tend to hold everything in. He's your typical boy and doesn't open up much or talk too much about his feelings. It's really hard for me to get him to open up and talk to him about my disease. When I left Sunday to drive to Gainsville He came up to me with big crocodile tears streaming down his face. It just broke my heart. I told him I would be home by Thursday or Friday (no you see why I was so anxious when I found out I wasn't going home today :( ) He's just having a really hard time right now. He needs every prayer just as much if not more than me.
There are days that It breaks my heart that we are having to go through this. Then there are other days when I know that all is right in the world and this is my path that the Lord has set before me. Please pray for me to continually grow closer to Him during this valley. Pray for me to have a better testimony and a sweeter spirit.
In the meantime I'm learning that this time in the hospital can be viewed as a time to get in the bible and mentally prepare for the battle that is all around me. It can be used as a time to rest or catch up. That way when I'm home and feeling well I can devote all my time to loving on Jarred and being there for him.
Thank you again for your prayers :)
Jillian
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Monday, April 19, 2010
Update from the Hospital
I'm learning that more often than not we will NOT be sticking to the "schedule" of treatment that has been given to me. There are so many variables that come into play. This week is a prime example of what can go wrong.
Monday morning I had a follow-up appointment with the cardiologist. When I got there the nurse needed to take my vitals. I had been quite anxious all morning. Considering this was the first time I've gone back to the hospital since the last stay where I was diagnosed with cancer and stayed a whole month I don't think it was out of the norm for my to be a bit anxious. When the nurse took my vitals my heart rate was at 140. She wanted me to go ahead and go to Shands, get admitted, and once on the floor request the Cardiac Dr's to be called. They were supposed to come by to see about putting me on some type of meds. We waited all day Monday to no avail. The cardiac Dr's also had to clear me to start my chemo. So basically we didn't get much accomplished on Monday.
Bright and early Tuesday one of the Dr's that is in charge of this floor came in and said that things were moving right along. They were ordering the bags for me to be hydrated for four hours prior to chemo. Then we would start the chemo. YAY! Now it looked like things were really moving along. This particular type of chemo drug is called Methotrexate. After giving me this in IV form the must large amounts of fluids throughout my body. Yes, this sounds counterproductive! According to the Dr's and scientists that have set up this protocol this is the way it must be done. So anyway, they have to check the levels of Methotrexate in my system at 24 hours (must be <10), 48 hours (<1), and 72hours (<0.1). I cleared on the first two and the last one I was still a little high.
All week I've been pretty adamant about going home on Friday. When it comes down to it though, I don't want to do something that could likely jeopardize my health. It surely doesn't seem very wise for me to be running my mouth about wanting to go home when we are going so far out of the way just to get treatment. I knew that this week would be different for a lot of reasons. This new found perspective was certainly not something I saw happening.
As I began to get myself packed up and ready to go today with the realization dawning on me that I wasn't going anywhere I became very emotional and had a great deal of anxiety. Even this was a good thing though because now the Dr's had a chance to look closer at what my heart was/is doing and put me on some beta-blockers to try and help with it's beating so fast. I feel much better now that I have just accepted that this is the way it is. I can't change this plan and don't need to either. Lord only knows what He could be protecting us from out there on the road at night had we left at 5pm.
I still don't know what's wrong with my heart. It is very concerning to me, so please pray about that specifically. It's so scary because I never would have thought that my hip pain would end in a cancer diagnoses. But I also can't live every day wondering about the "what if''s!" My heart already belongs to Jesus and I need to just trust Him with it (and remind myself of that a million times a day!).
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
Rather than allowing myself to get anxious and try to figure out things in my own little pea brain, I need to just sit back and watch the Lord's plan unfold. This is a lesson I'm learning over and over again and in all different types of circumstances. The natural "planner" in me wants to have a plan and stick to it, but in a way doesn't that remove the Holy Spirit's leading in my life if I'm always trying to carry all the burdens and take on the weight of the world? I'm pretty sure that Jesus would rather carry these burdens and many more for me! "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." So, I can't promise I would try to take control of things again, but I am going to try to take a step back when things go beyond my reach and remember who is really taking care of me!
It's almost encouraging to me that I still have so much to learn as I walk with Christ. Surely He's not done with me here yet :)
A few of you have asked me about Jarred. Yes, I did tell him that I have cancer. In the past several weeks the grace of God has been an almost tangible presence in our home. Praise the Lord that His grace is spilling over onto Jarred as well. He handled the news much better than I had anticipated and I just can't stop praising God for that. However, Jarred does tend to hold everything in. He's your typical boy and doesn't open up much or talk too much about his feelings. It's really hard for me to get him to open up and talk to him about my disease. When I left Sunday to drive to Gainsville He came up to me with big crocodile tears streaming down his face. It just broke my heart. I told him I would be home by Thursday or Friday (no you see why I was so anxious when I found out I wasn't going home today :( ) He's just having a really hard time right now. He needs every prayer just as much if not more than me.
There are days that It breaks my heart that we are having to go through this. Then there are other days when I know that all is right in the world and this is my path that the Lord has set before me. Please pray for me to continually grow closer to Him during this valley. Pray for me to have a better testimony and a sweeter spirit.
In the meantime I'm learning that this time in the hospital can be viewed as a time to get in the bible and mentally prepare for the battle that is all around me. It can be used as a time to rest or catch up. That way when I'm home and feeling well I can devote all my time to loving on Jarred and being there for him.
Thank you again for your prayers :)
Jillian
Monday morning I had a follow-up appointment with the cardiologist. When I got there the nurse needed to take my vitals. I had been quite anxious all morning. Considering this was the first time I've gone back to the hospital since the last stay where I was diagnosed with cancer and stayed a whole month I don't think it was out of the norm for my to be a bit anxious. When the nurse took my vitals my heart rate was at 140. She wanted me to go ahead and go to Shands, get admitted, and once on the floor request the Cardiac Dr's to be called. They were supposed to come by to see about putting me on some type of meds. We waited all day Monday to no avail. The cardiac Dr's also had to clear me to start my chemo. So basically we didn't get much accomplished on Monday.
Bright and early Tuesday one of the Dr's that is in charge of this floor came in and said that things were moving right along. They were ordering the bags for me to be hydrated for four hours prior to chemo. Then we would start the chemo. YAY! Now it looked like things were really moving along. This particular type of chemo drug is called Methotrexate. After giving me this in IV form the must large amounts of fluids throughout my body. Yes, this sounds counterproductive! According to the Dr's and scientists that have set up this protocol this is the way it must be done. So anyway, they have to check the levels of Methotrexate in my system at 24 hours (must be <10), 48 hours (<1), and 72hours (<0.1). I cleared on the first two and the last one I was still a little high.
All week I've been pretty adamant about going home on Friday. When it comes down to it though, I don't want to do something that could likely jeopardize my health. It surely doesn't seem very wise for me to be running my mouth about wanting to go home when we are going so far out of the way just to get treatment. I knew that this week would be different for a lot of reasons. This new found perspective was certainly not something I saw happening.
As I began to get myself packed up and ready to go today with the realization dawning on me that I wasn't going anywhere I became very emotional and had a great deal of anxiety. Even this was a good thing though because now the Dr's had a chance to look closer at what my heart was/is doing and put me on some beta-blockers to try and help with it's beating so fast. I feel much better now that I have just accepted that this is the way it is. I can't change this plan and don't need to either. Lord only knows what He could be protecting us from out there on the road at night had we left at 5pm.
I still don't know what's wrong with my heart. It is very concerning to me, so please pray about that specifically. It's so scary because I never would have thought that my hip pain would end in a cancer diagnoses. But I also can't live every day wondering about the "what if''s!" My heart already belongs to Jesus and I need to just trust Him with it (and remind myself of that a million times a day!).
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
Rather than allowing myself to get anxious and try to figure out things in my own little pea brain, I need to just sit back and watch the Lord's plan unfold. This is a lesson I'm learning over and over again and in all different types of circumstances. The natural "planner" in me wants to have a plan and stick to it, but in a way doesn't that remove the Holy Spirit's leading in my life if I'm always trying to carry all the burdens and take on the weight of the world? I'm pretty sure that Jesus would rather carry these burdens and many more for me! "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." So, I can't promise I would try to take control of things again, but I am going to try to take a step back when things go beyond my reach and remember who is really taking care of me!
It's almost encouraging to me that I still have so much to learn as I walk with Christ. Surely He's not done with me here yet :)
A few of you have asked me about Jarred. Yes, I did tell him that I have cancer. In the past several weeks the grace of God has been an almost tangible presence in our home. Praise the Lord that His grace is spilling over onto Jarred as well. He handled the news much better than I had anticipated and I just can't stop praising God for that. However, Jarred does tend to hold everything in. He's your typical boy and doesn't open up much or talk too much about his feelings. It's really hard for me to get him to open up and talk to him about my disease. When I left Sunday to drive to Gainsville He came up to me with big crocodile tears streaming down his face. It just broke my heart. I told him I would be home by Thursday or Friday (no you see why I was so anxious when I found out I wasn't going home today :( ) He's just having a really hard time right now. He needs every prayer just as much if not more than me.
There are days that It breaks my heart that we are having to go through this. Then there are other days when I know that all is right in the world and this is my path that the Lord has set before me. Please pray for me to continually grow closer to Him during this valley. Pray for me to have a better testimony and a sweeter spirit.
In the meantime I'm learning that this time in the hospital can be viewed as a time to get in the bible and mentally prepare for the battle that is all around me. It can be used as a time to rest or catch up. That way when I'm home and feeling well I can devote all my time to loving on Jarred and being there for him.
Thank you again for your prayers :)
Jillian
4 comments:
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Anonymous said...
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Jillian, You are such a great person and a Wonderful Mom! Jarred is a lucky (figure of speech) boy to have you! ( I know God planned for you to be his Mom, it's not luck!) You are amazing and God's light shines through you even in the darkest of days! Don't let the devil rob one second from you! I pray God continues to guide your every thought and comfort you at every moment! Thank you for your encouragement to the rest of us. Love you and praying for you!
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April 23, 2010 at 9:19 PM
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momof5girls said...
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Jill, You'll never know the peace that your words bestow on my heart! Here you are the one going through this valley, but hearing you share what is happening to you physically and spiritually always ends up being such a blessing to me. It makes me feel like "when I grow up, I want to be like you" meaning if God ever sees fit to trust me too that I'll grow closer to Him as a result. And yes, for your info it is good that you are there and not on the road. It is storming big time so I'm glad you are safe there and not on the road. Love you sweet girl!
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April 23, 2010 at 9:56 PM
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Unknown said...
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Jillian, Just wanted you to know you are still in my prayers!
Abbie -
April 25, 2010 at 4:24 PM
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Anonymous said...
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Jillian, Karen ramsey has shared your site/story with me. My son, Ben , was diagnosed with osteo at 6y/0 and had his amputation after 11weeks of chemo. It is hard to keep him still and he has worn out two knees in his rosthetic leg! He is on his third leg! He is now 8 and full of life! We truly believe God blessed us in so many ways during chemo. We were also at Shands with Dr. Scarborough and Nurse brandi for surgery. We did chemo in Pensacola. Ben's caring bridge site is www.caringbridge.org/visit/benbaltz
Please call or email with any questionns you might have. You will be in my prayers.
Kim
850-543-1543
baltzsbayou@valp.net -
April 26, 2010 at 4:04 PM
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4 comments:
Jillian, You are such a great person and a Wonderful Mom! Jarred is a lucky (figure of speech) boy to have you! ( I know God planned for you to be his Mom, it's not luck!) You are amazing and God's light shines through you even in the darkest of days! Don't let the devil rob one second from you! I pray God continues to guide your every thought and comfort you at every moment! Thank you for your encouragement to the rest of us. Love you and praying for you!
Jill, You'll never know the peace that your words bestow on my heart! Here you are the one going through this valley, but hearing you share what is happening to you physically and spiritually always ends up being such a blessing to me. It makes me feel like "when I grow up, I want to be like you" meaning if God ever sees fit to trust me too that I'll grow closer to Him as a result. And yes, for your info it is good that you are there and not on the road. It is storming big time so I'm glad you are safe there and not on the road. Love you sweet girl!
Jillian, Just wanted you to know you are still in my prayers!
Abbie
Jillian, Karen ramsey has shared your site/story with me. My son, Ben , was diagnosed with osteo at 6y/0 and had his amputation after 11weeks of chemo. It is hard to keep him still and he has worn out two knees in his rosthetic leg! He is on his third leg! He is now 8 and full of life! We truly believe God blessed us in so many ways during chemo. We were also at Shands with Dr. Scarborough and Nurse brandi for surgery. We did chemo in Pensacola. Ben's caring bridge site is www.caringbridge.org/visit/benbaltz
Please call or email with any questionns you might have. You will be in my prayers.
Kim
850-543-1543
baltzsbayou@valp.net
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