God's Grace

I just want to share publicly how amazing the God that I serve is. This post is about my hair loss. It is really quite detailed and ugly in parts. I only want to share the worst of my battle thus far to show just how good God is and the unbelievable amount of grace that only He can give. There are two pictures as well, so if you are reading this and these things bother you, you may want to skip over this post. Ok, so that's my disclaimer.

This morning when I woke up I combed through my hair and a great deal (maybe half of what was left-which wasn't much) fell out. I've been dealing with the hair loss for several days. I didn't realize that it would start so soon. I expected it to start happening maybe after two or three chemo treatments. It actually starts about two weeks after the first treatment. The first bit began to fall out last Tuesday. At first it was just maybe a small lock of hair when I ran my fingers through it. It progressively got worse every day. That's when reality started setting in and I started having a really hard time. I would just randomly cry every time I thought about it or mentioned it. It's good that I finally started to cry because I hadn't cried much since the diagnoses. Tears are a healing thing and I realized that as I was progressing through acceptance of what was happening. It was still so hard though. It's really a very ugly part of the process you know? As if it wasn't bad enough to be dealing with it on an emotional level it was very aggravating because my hair is so long that it was EVERYWHERE. I mean I was starting to feel like Cousin It because when I got up I would leave a path of hair in my wake.

Prior to any of this taking place I thought that I would be perfectly Ok with loosing my hair and that once it started happening I would immediately want to shave it all off. Well that wasn't the case and that was really surprising to me. As I said though, I think the emotional difficulty was a necessary step in accepting what is happening in my life. A step that God allowed. A hard step that He knew was necessary to work together for good in my Christian walk. The bible says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. I've never truly felt that verse hit home, or seen it's fruition in my life more clearly than today.

So basically the past couple of days had been very emotional. Since Sunday my hair started falling out in large amounts. Every night and every morning Carrie and I would sit and slowly and patiently comb through my hair so as not to pull too much out. I would sit on my bed and cry as she combed my hair and clumps of it would come out in her hands. She would hug me and let me cry and I would say that I just wasn't ready to have it all gone yet. I just wasn't ready for this step. I wasn't ready to be bald. I wasn't ready to see myself bald. I didn't want to look like a cancer patient. Every night for the past few nights I cried out to God for comfort. I knew only He knew my heart and the feelings I felt. Then this morning when I woke up and combed my hair and watched it fall to my lap I had peace. A peace that passes any understanding I could ever have. A peace that only comes from trusting in the Lord.

After Jarred left for school I told Carrie that I thought maybe I wanted to shave all my hair off today (or what was left-it wasn't patchy yet, but was so thin). I finally felt that I was "there." At that point where I was just ready to be past dealing with loosing hair. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I was definitely ready. Carrie asked if I wanted her to sit and comb it. We figured it would all come out from combing it really good. I told her yes, that's what I wanted to do but first I wanted to pray. In those precious moments that I asked the Lord to come meet with us and to give me peace and be with me in the way that only He can be, I felt Him here. I knew that it would be OK. It took combing my hair for about an hour, gently pulling it out, then taking a shower to wash it and pull out more. By then it was patchy and needed to be shaved off. I called my dear friend Shauna who was a hairdresser and has given me all of my haircuts, styles, and colors for the past three years, and I asked if she could come over and use the clippers to shave the rest off. She gladly obliged. As we sat in my kitchen and the little bit of hair I had left was cut and shaved down to the skin we talked about the Lord, about how my hair would grow back , and just talked about life. In all of today's events I felt no sadness, no sorrow, no pain. I wasn't afraid and I had no doubt of the Lord's goodness or love for me. All day today I've had a smile on my face. I've laughed so much today. More than I have in a long time.

After Shauna finished I put a cute little bandanna on my head and tied it up. I didn't look in the mirror right away. That was the part I was most hesitant about. Although I was not fearful, I still took the time and prayed until I felt ready to look at myself. After dinner I quietly went to the bathroom alone and prayed. I knew that was the time. I took off my headdress and was amazed that I could look at myself without cringing, crying, sadness, or any negative feelings whatsoever. When I looked in the mirror I could feel the hand of God and know in my heart that I will never have to walk this road alone. He will never leave me or forsake me.

The only tears that I have shed today have been tears of happiness, tears of joy. I've taken the time to detail all of this to share just how amazing the grace of God in one's life can be. Today could have been such a hard day. It could have been awful. There is no way that I can explain to you just how astounding it has been to walk in my shoes today. There's no way that I can express the fullness I have felt in Christ today. I have never in my life been happier to be saved and living for the Lord than I am today. To really and truly see God work all these things that I have experienced over the past week together for good in my life right now leaves me in awe.

This picture was taken last week when my hair began falling out


This picture was taken tonight