Big Decisions This Week

I got into Gainsville safely last night and started out by having a CT scan of my chest. We then went to have an MRI done of my left hip. Back in November when I had my first MRI it was so painful that after five minutes I couldn't tolerate lying there any longer. I have had such a reduction in my pain levels that I rarely take pain meds any more. It didn't even occur to me to take something prior to this one since I had been doing so well. Low and behold after about 15 minutes of laying on that hard, flat MRI table I was in tears. I tried as hard as I could to lay there and suck it up, but it just put so much pressure on the area where the tumor is. Unfortunately I had to stop the MRI at that point, but I knew once I was admitted to the hospital they would find a way to get me through it.

The MRI should now take place tomorrow around 11am. They will try to sedate me and load me up with pain meds to get through the hour long MRI. This MUST be done, and done as soon as possible. We really need to see how the tumor is responding to be able to make any decisions regarding surgery.

My Orthopedic Oncologist, Dr Gibbs, my Pediatric Oncologist, Dr Lagmay and both of their nurses came in to meet with me this afternoon. The results from the CT chest scan show that the nodules on my lungs have slightly decreased in size but one of them has also calcified which means that those spots are definitely cancerous. In the long run we will need to look at doing surgery to remove those spots unless more appear then they said it would be pointless. This surgery will have to wait until after the big surgery on my hip.

As far as making decisions regarding the surgery to remove the tumor we are on hold until MRI results come in. The Dr's did briefly discuss with me some different options. They feel that my best luck for a complete cure is to amputate my left leg. Although this is still no guarantee. But the breaks in my hip were very bad for my leg and have most likely spread cancer cells in or around that general area. Ideally they would like to be able to completely remove the tumor along with enough healthy tissue around it to make sure they've not only got it all but hopefully prevent it from coming back. I guess the argument is that if I have no leg then it can't come back there. By doing the surgery to remove only the tumor I am at risk of the cancer not only coming back, but having a leg that may or may not be functional. Ultimately the decision is mine to make. This is a very difficult decision. I obviously don't want to loose my leg, but I want to live also very badly. It's not easy any way you look at it. However, I can't worry about this right at the moment because I don't even have the information I need to make an informed decision. All along I have been preparing myself for the possibility of amputation as have the Dr's. When I think about it I'm scared of how life will be different, learning how to get around, what I'll look like, and just being handicap in general. I also feel a peace though that I can't explain. A knowing that if this is the decision I make God will be there holding my hand the whole way. I want to make the right decision and right now I don't know what that is. My Orthopedic Dr. will help me the best that he can by being upfront and helping me to answer any questions I have as well as helping me to make a decision. But again, it's mine to make, they can only suggest what they view as their opinion. I'm very thankful that I have a team of Doctors that I trust and believe to be highly capable.

My Grandma suggested I make a list to weight out the pros and cons. I don't think I want to do that or even know enough about my different options to do so at this moment. When I was talking to Carrie earlier though she reminded me to think on those things that are just, so I've decided to make a list of those things instead :)

My Thinking list on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtue, and praise:

-The Lord is real, He is the author and finisher of my faith
-I know I'm saved
-I have an eternity to look forward to with my Savior
-I have been blessed with the sweetest son
-Jarred has had the Lord's grace continuously on him during this valley
-I have had the blessing of renewed relationships with friends and family
-I have the blessing of having several close, sister-like friends
-I am forgiven
-I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful body of believes and couldn't ask for a better church family
-The Lord has provided my every need during this illness. He's taken care of things before I
even knew I had the need
-This trial has drawn my family and friends closer together

****There are so many more thing that I could name, but these are just a few. I'm trying to not only keep my mind stayed on the Lord, but also keep in remembrance all that He has done for me and how wonderfully He provides. I know He will see me through these next few days and help me make the right decisions.

I ask that you just please pray for me to make the right decisions and have peace beyond all understanding with them.

Thanks :)
Joshua 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed:for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."