Getting Setteleted in @ Home.....

I was discharged from Shands on Wednesday and sent home for a few weeks before the next chemo treatment. I have to say that the very first day home was really hard. It was the day when reality came running and hit me smack in the face. It was hard. Very Hard. Very Scary. It's not like before I left when I had energy to do what needed to be done just not the abilities to actually do them. My time in the hospital was such a whirlwind that you can't even imagine. I mean basically I went to the ER in Destin and before I knew it was transported in the wee hours of the night to Gainsville by Ambulance. I've had to recap many times everything that happened to others just to make sure that I understand what's going on. So I think that I have gotten it all figured out now and all the pieces put together. I have Cancer. Osteosarcoma to exact. *sigh*

The good news is that I serve a God who is bigger that this little cancer. He is bigger than any disease that comes my way and He is ready to bear this burden for me. So, as hard as it is I'm constantly giving it to him. I've never felt more the need to take up my cross and follow daily. When I think of the Lord and all he has done in my life I know that He can get me through this as well. This may be a little bigger and a little harder to endure. This may be a rare cancer for someone my age, but you know what I say to that??? It just gives God the ability to do a mightier work and astound the medical field. I want this battle to be of and for the Lord. I want to commit myself daily to him and allow Him to transform me and work in me in such a real way that was never possible before. Am I scared? Yes, I'm terrified. Is this going to be hard? Yes, it is. But I know that my God is bigger than all of this and that He has given me this disease for either my good or His glory.

The chemo treatments are not so bad at first, but a couple days later they just take every ounce of my energy. I dislike that the most. I feel completely wiped out and no matter how much I sleep I'm still just exhausted. My Dr. said that I will loose my hair, but I say hey, maybe we'll finally figure out what my natural color is, lol. Also my mom's knitting group are making me a bunch of cute little caps. I'm trying to come up with a top 10 list for having no hair. I'll let you know once I do. If you have any suggestions let me know :)

I've been thinking so much about how the Lord has worked in my life since I've been saved. How he brought me here to Niceville, how He put me in a wonderful loving church that truly exemplifies the meaning of church family, how He has provided for me over and over again. God put me here in this place for this time. I just hope that I can honor and glorify Him throughout this fight and remember no matter how bad things may get physically that God still loves me and this is all part of His plan.

Next post I'll tell you all about Nutrition's fight against cancer and what I am (with the pushing of many loved ones) doing to boost my immune system.

Update

I can't believe that March is nearly over!! With me not being well and having to stay at home a lot then being in the hospital for three weeks you would think that the time would be passing by extremely slow. But alas, it is not!

So last Friday, the 26th, I was released from Shands hospital and sent to Shands Rehabilitation center. Friday afternoon and most of Saturday were spent visiting with family and friends. Saturday I was evaluated to see what abilities I had and which ones needed to be worked on. The plan was to stay in rehab until Thursday (yesterday) and then to be readmitted to the hospital to begin my treatments. Well........ apparently my heart had a different idea. Heart you say. Oh yes, heart. I've never in my life had a day of heart trouble. On Sunday I started feeling out of sorts and called the nurse in and asked her to take my vitals. I don't exactly remember what my temp or blood pressure was, but I do know that my heart rate was at 166 and I was resting. The Dr. at rehab was concerned that I might have a blood clot seeing as how I was so close to surgery, so they called to have an ambulance come pick me up. I think that was when my heart REALLY started going crazy. My friend Angela was walking into the rehab with an iced coffee and I was so disappointed, but I figured that with my heart acting all crazy caffeine was the last thing I needed. So to make a very long story short I went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital that night. Thank the Lord that the rehab saw it fit to send me because in the ambulance my heart rate was up to 217!

After several days of trial and error and minor procedures my heart has been stabilized using medicines. They did have to remove the port that was placed in my chest for the Chemo, but today I had a PIC line put in my arm and it will work practically the same way as the port. I have to be cleared by the Cardio Dr.'s before I can begin Chemo. They came in today to check on me and are in the process of weaning me off the IV drugs so that I can begin taking oral drugs for my heart. Since everything seems to be stable they are going to clear me and I should start Chemo tonight. Thinking it will start at 7pm (that's 6pm CST). Please pray that everything goes well tonight. I have been a little nervous about all that is going on. I just need to calm down, remember that God is in control and sit back and allow Him to work.

If all goes well and my heart continues to act right then I'll get to come home on Monday or Tuesday :) YAY (don't tell Jarred though, I want it to be a surprise for him and don't want to disappoint him if plans change-and it's highly likely to happen).

My Dad left a couple of hours ago to drive back to Wisconsin. Please pray for him to have a safe trip. My Grandma B arrived about an hour ago and she will be staying a little while. There's not really much else to report. I hope that you all have a great Friday night.

Take Care,
<3 Jillian

The last couple of days

As you may have guessed, I did indeed fall asleep as I was typing the line to that last post. How ironic, right? All I remember is waking up at 3am in the hospital bed with my laptop on my lap. I thought to myself, I sure am glad that didn't fall off!!

But anyway, back to our regularly scheduled update (although it is a day late, oops). The port surgery did go successfuly, thank you for your prayers! They sedated me and put me in "twilight" as they call it. Supposedly that is supposed to make me groggy, drowsy, or just plain doze off. Not me of course, lol. I just looked around the room while they explained to me what they were doing. Thank heavens that they had a large drape between my head and the area they were working on because I would not have liked seeing whatever it was they were doing in there. It took all of about 20 minutes I believe. I'm loving this port already :) They took all the iv's out of my arms and I am now able to receive my fluids, meds that I use the push button for, and any additional meds that they would give intravenously through the port. They also have taken blood through it today. So I think Porty and I will be new best friends :)

Yesterday I also had my epidural removed. I have mixed feeling about this. I am feeling pain now, a lot of pain in my leg. As well as everything else waist down. Removing the epidural was an important step in getting me out of here and on to rehab as well as finding oral meds that will be able to control my pain. I did not particularly enjoy the numbing effect, but in some ways I'm missing it as you can imagine.

Yesterday was the first day that I actually stood (again, with much assistance and a walker) in almost two weeks. The physical therapist helped me get out of bed, stand using the walker, and then move around the room a bit. She let me sit up in a recliner chair for several hours which was so nice. Although I'm thankful that God led me to a wonderful hospital, I will be very glad when I am not in the bed the majority of the day. I also slept really well last night.

As for today 3/17/10......
I worked with PT again and did a bit of walking w/ the walker and was able with their assistance to take my first shower in a while. PRAISE THE LORD for that. I was beginning to fear the hospital would give me the boot for being so stinky, lol. That one small thing made me feel so much better.

I did talk again with my oncologist regarding my chemo treatments and received a binder full of information and a treatment schedule. She seems to be quite concerned about the spots that were seen on my lungs during a CT scan (however my other dr. said that he was not worried about them and would do another scan at 12 weeks to see if they are still there) and she has her pathologists still looking into that. Unless they can tell her with 100% certainty that those spots have not metastasized then she will want to do an aggressive chemo treatment that will involve using five different types of chemotherapy drugs and possibly 10-10 1/2 months of chemo. If though they can tell her that those spots are not metastasized (THIS IS WHAT WE ARE PRAYING FOR. PLEASE PRAY WITH ME THAT THEY ARE NOT!), then she will approach my treatment a bit more gently using only three types of chemotherapy drugs with an overall treatment time of 7-8 months.

After speaking with the oncologist I had several tests tha are required before any chemotherapy treatment commences. I was pretty tired and worn out after all of this and have been in a great deal of pain since, so I have been trying to relax as best as possible.

I'm not sure if I have mentioned in my previous post that I will be heading to rehab in the next few days. The rehab hospital is operated by Shands as well and is just a few minutes away. I hope to be transferred there by Friday. My stay in rehab will be seven days long. I am really excited that I will be going to the rehab and think that they will certainly help me regain the ability to perform some of my day-to-day tasks. After my seven days in rehab I will be admitted back to Shands to begin my chemo. After three days of that I will get to come home for about two weeks before having to return to Shands again for another three day chemo treatment.

Ok, so these are the facts of what is going on with me right now. The last two days have indeed been harder for me. However, I am reminded that I serve a big God. A God who created this body and if He wills to do so can heal it completely. Please pray for me to have a greater faith and a deeper trust in the One who made me. No one knows me better than my Lord, and He alone knows what I need right now. I want to fight this battle with cancer to win it. I desire for the Lord to heal me in such a miraculous way that the Dr.'s will be left astounded and amazed. I look forward to the day that happens so that I can shout with honor and praise to the Lord who redeemed me and carries me in the very palm of His hand. I want these things for His Glory.

In the meantime I will continue daily committing myself unto Him......

I love you friends and family and thank the Lord for allowing me to be a part of your lives.

Getting a little closer to a game plan

Today I met with both my Dr. and the Oncology Dr (who is actually a pediatric oncologist, but she will accept patients up to age 30. I have to see a pediatric oncologist b/c this type of disease is more common in 10-20 year olds). I decided that I do want to continue receiving my treatments at Shands in Gainsville. The hospital is one of the best in the country and my Dr's are also the best in their respective fields. I just really feel that I will not only receive the best care here, but that my Dr.'s genuinely care about me and helping me to get well. I entertained choosing a place to receive chemo closer to home to make it easier on those that would be helping me get there, but I felt in my heart that I needed to choose Shands and trust the Lord with the getting here part.

Tomorrow I will have surgery in the morning to install a port in my chest that will be primarily used for chemo. It can also be used for drawing blood and giving me IV meds. It's basically like a permanent IV. That will make life much easier. As it stands I've been poked up and down my arms so many times that my arms resemble pin cushions, lol!!!

I have been doing PT since Friday. The epidural that I have to manage the pain has made it very difficult to do the PT, so after the surgery tomorrow they will be removing it. The PT that I'm doing this time is much different that when I had the first surgery back in December. Which leads us to another big decision that was made today. Sometime soon (this week hopefully) I will be going to a rehab facility where I will do more intense PT three hours a day. It will be broken up throughout the day though, lol. Otherwise it would be like boot camp lol. I'm very relieved that they are sending me to rehab and think that it will make getting around and doing for myself (even if it's only little things) much easier when I return home. I will be in the rehab facility for approximately seven days. It's also located here in Gainsville. Once I am done in rehab I will be admitted back to the hospital to receive my first round of chemo. Then I get to come home for a little while :) YAY!!!

Whew...... that's a lot of information isn't it. I'm still absorbing all of it. After discussing all these things with the doctors today I think the reality of it all started hitting me. Today was my first hard day. I know it won't be the last, but I am praying and hoping for more good days than bad!

I have a few specific prayer requests:
Total and complete healing
The swelling in my left leg to go away
Successful surgery in the morning
The Lord's continued strength & peace
Jarred's comfort
To be a good testimony and a light to those around me in the hospital and in rehab

Ok, so I would love to write some more but I am seriously fall

There's so much to be thankful for

I'd like to give those of you that have been praying and wanting to know how I'm doing an update from me. First of all, THANK YOU for your prayers and support. It is GOD, prayers, and the support of my friends and family that are getting me THROUGH this time. I still covet your prayers desperately!

I am still processing most of the news from the surgery. Here is what I know.... I have osteosarcoma which is a bone cancer that is very rare in someone my age. It usually affects 10-20 year olds. This is why my bones have been breaking. The plate put into my leg on Thursday stabilized my fracture, but I may be facing future surgery in that leg. I had a bone scan which showed that the OA is only in my left hip area (PRAISE THE LORD). The next step is to begin chemo which will be discussed with doctors on Monday.

Again, I am still processing this news. The Lord has been tremendously merciful with me and has provided to me an immeasurable amount of grace. There is so much more to be said and so much that I don't know how to put into words. I know from my own life and how God saved me and transformed me in my Christian walk that I serve a BIG GOD and He can do anything. I am pleading His blood and trusting Him alone to heal my body and all for HIS glory.

Right now I'm not sure what I need or what people can do for me. I know that I don't want to be alone. Although I have a heavenly Father who is always beside me, I need my friends and family as well to encourage me and lift me up when I don't have the strength. I also know that I want to protect Jarred as much as possible from hearing words like "Cancer" and "Chemo."

I want to walk THROUGH this valley with the Lord by my side and I want to grow and become a stronger and more dedicated Christian in the process. I don't want to miss His blessings and what He wants me to learn in the process of wading THROUGH this valley.

The Lord put these things on my heart to share with you today. As I can and am ready I may be able to share more. Although I think that I will be doing so on my blog, not on FB when the time comes.

I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I am thankful for all of you that have been placed in my life and genuinely care. I am VERY thankful for my Salvation without which I know I would not have the strength or the ability to face this disease alone. My friends, as you look around you daily please think on "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Phil 4:8 Life is far too short and your entire world can change in a second but there is comfort in knowing that our Lord Jesus Christ is eternal and unchanging. If you do not have a personal relationship with Jesus please, I urge you to think on that. It truly is life changing and if you have any questions please contact me.

In Christ,
Jillian

A little bit about consistency

Ok, so I feel great.... two days and I'm still going, lol. I can't tell you how much I love this new bible I got. It's a Life Application Study Bible. My great-grandma had one and we used to read it together and I always enjoyed that and all the great notes, historical facts, maps, and ect that it has along with the scripture. Another thing I really like about it is that it has lots of definitions for words that I didn't completely understand the meaning or context of right at the bottom of the passages. So, needless to say I'm getting a lot from it and I really feel like I am grasping things well thus far. I should have bought a study bible years ago!!

Right now I'm still looking at things one day at a time, which is exactly what I feel the Lord would have me do. I think that so often I loose the consistency battle because I am thinking of the long haul rather than just taking things one minute, hour, or day at a time.

Tonight when I was reading I stumbled across a note in my bible that really spoke to me about consistency and wanted to share it here as well.

"The story of Noah's life involves not one, but two great and tragic floods. The world in Noah's day was flooded with evil. Of God's people, only Noah remembered the God of creation, perfection, and love. God's response to this severe situation was a 120-year-long last chance, during which he had Noah build a graphic illustration of the message of his life. For Noah, obedience meant a long-term commitment to a project.

"Many of us have trouble sticking to any project, whether or not it is directed by God. It is interesting that the length of Noah's obedience was greater than the life span of people today. Our only comparable long-term project is our very lives. But perhaps this is one great challenge Noah's life gives us - to live an entire lifetime of obedience and gratitude." Taken from KJV, Life Application Study Bible's personality profile on Noah.

This just reminds me of how short I fall of God's grace and how undeserving I am of His perfect gift. However, He loves me more than I can even comprehend and I am ever so thankful for that. Really, He just wants my obedience. All my life. One second at a time. One minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time. And after a lifetime of me trying my best to obey and follow Him, I hope to look back and see consistency. I'm not now. I can't be on my own. BUT..... With God all things are possible. So it is on His holy name that I call and ask to help me live this life consistently by faith.

Happy New Year

Welcome to you and 2010. Just the other day I took the time to go through all the posts that I have had since I started this blog and it was such a blessing to me. I don't keep a journal or scrapbook and I hardly develop pictures. However, this blog seems to do all that for me and more. I considered closing down recently because I had been so lackadaisical in my blogging attempts and figured no one really reads it anyway, but after my little walk down memory lane I have decided to press forward and do it for me. I don't really care if anyone reads this or not, it is therapeutic for me to put down my thoughts and a blessing to me to look back and see the things God has done and what He alone has brought me through. So..... onward I type :)

Speaking of that.... the name of my blog is derived from a passage in Psalms. "Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him and he shall bring it to pass." 37:4. The original desire of this blog was to share my walk with the Lord. A way to document trials, tribulations, valley's, triumphs, and mountaintops. Also to share daily life and to journal in a way for myself to look back on. I would very much like for my focus in this blog to be about how I'm committing to the Lord daily. How I'm walking. I would like for it to be a real testimony to what's going on in my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly! And what a better time to discuss those very things than now in this valley I find myself in.

I'm not much anymore for New Year's resolutions. I do think however, that it is healthy and good for a person to set goals. I have so many things that I would love to accomplish and do this year. So many things in me that need changing, but apart from God and His word none of it is really possible. So, my one goal (that I hope and know will lead to many wonderful things) is to read through the bible Chronologically this year. I got a new study bible for Christmas and have really been enjoying reading it the last few days, so I am VERY excited and motivated about this goal. I, on the other hand, am not a consistent person. It's very aggravating. My life seems to be paved with good intentions that never come to fruition. But with the Lord's help I trust that he WILL bring this desired goal to pass!! Also getting a little help from a wonderful website that e-mails me daily with reminders to read the selected passages, lol.

In other news, I'm still recovering from surgery. This is a slow and long process apparently. I somehow thought prior to the surgery that once out of the hospital I would be up and back to normal. Not so much the case. Not even close to the case actually. Although, I am quite pleased to say that I can now shower on my own (small victories here people)!! I have after much prayer and thought decided to wait until I am off the crutches to return to work and am not taking classes for the rest of the school year. The college re-opens tomorrow though. The Lord has been so good that He has made it possible for me to take the time off that I need and I am trusting Him to provide for me in the meantime. He does so very well I might add. My next Dr. appt is Jan 21 and I hope that will have me off of crutches and then I may have to go through a little PT. But, Lord willing, I will be -dare I say- skipping my way through Spring before long!!

I just have to praise the Lord so much for His constant provision through all of this. I thank God that I am in a wonderful church full of people that love the Lord and me (why I don't know) and are willing to help in whatever way they can. Without God and His people I just don't know how I would have made it through the past month. So thank you Lord and church family. I love you all so very dearly.

Tomorrow Jarred returns back to school. I will miss him so much. He says that he is not happy about going back - who can blame him!- but I suspect he will be glad to get out of the house. I know I would be!!! He's been such a help to me around here. Hopefully though this house will get back on somewhat of a schedule and regain a bit of it's normalcy.