I am home and happy. I am so excited about the future and seeing what God has in store for me!! I had my lung surgery on April 22nd and it went really well. They got out the last nodule that was on my lungs and I am healing well from that surgery. During my time in Gainesville I found out that there is no cancer in my body!! YAY!!! So that means I am cancer free and no more chemo! It feels so good to be able to say that. I have to give God every bit of glory for healing me. I know that the prayers of many of my friends, family and even those that I do not know have been answered. I never would have made it through this battle for my life if it hadn't been for my faith in the Lord and the prayers of his saints. :) I still have to go in for scans/check-ups every three months. I've been told that if the cancer were to come back it is most likely to come back in the first two years, so the doctors will be keeping a close watch on me for the next two years, but I have faith that this cancer is NOT going to come back and I have beaten it once and for all.
I had an appointment with the prosthetics Dr. here in Ft. Walton on Tuesday. His name is Dr. Jack and he came highly recommended. There is a lot more that goes into getting a prosthetic than I ever would have thought! It is quite a long process. The first thing they will do is measure my body/weight for several weeks in a row to make sure that my weight/size are not fluctuating. The Dr. stressed to me how important it is for my body to be stable (meaning my weight and size) because they will make the prosthetic to fit my body and if I gain weight or loose it after it is made then it will result in me not being able to walk well and they would just have to make another one. So the first thing that I need to do before I get started is try to loose some weight. I had hoped that once I got the prosthetic that I would loose weight, but I didn't even think of the fact that it would effect the fit of the prosthetic its self. So for the next two months I am going to try to loose 10-15 pounds. That is going to be quite challenging considering there's not a whole lot of exercise I can do. My plan is to really watch what I eat and only put healthy things in my mouth and to also try drinking this stuff called Skinny Water that my friend Lori has been telling me about and also do exercises to strengthen my core muscles (which Dr. Jack recommended I do because that will help me walk better once I get the prosthetic). I will update you more on my weight loss and the Skinny Water later. So once I loose some weight and am at a stable weight/size I will go back to the prosthetic Dr. and he will measure me several weeks in a row. Then once we have determined that I am stable he will cast my entire pelvis. The part of the prosthetic that fits to my body is known as the "socket." Because I don't have any of my left leg due to how high the amputation is my socket will look kind of like a pair of plastic underwear and the leg will attach to it. Once they cast my pelvis they will begin building the socket and leg and that will only take them about a week! I was really surprised to hear that because I thought it would take a lot longer to build a prosthetic leg. They do it right there at the Dr's office in FWB. When they finish building my leg and it is ready I'll go back in and Dr. Jack will of course show my how to put it on. Then begins the hard work! He said that he will show me various techniques that I will need to master and when combined those techniques will result my being able to walk. Of course it is going to take a lot of hard work, dedication, and consistency on my part to be able to walk again and even more so to walk normally. I am prepared though. I want so badly to just be able to walk again!! He said that the people that are the most successful with prosthetics are those that put it on every morning when they wake up - whether they think they will use it or not- and wear it throughout the day. So the biggest thing is using it and not falling back on using my walker. I'm so excited to get started and can't wait to be able to walk again. Walking means I will be completely independent once again and will open up many doors for me. So, the biggest hurdles I have to face now are loosing the weight and keeping it off and praying that my insurance will cover the prosthetic. Now the other thing that I have to keep in mind is that even if I do loose the weight and keep it off I am likely to loose more once I start being active and my body will change a lot just from using the prosthetic and being more active. With that in mind the Dr. said that it is not uncommon to have to have another prosthetic made after the first six months because of all the changes your body goes through. Again, I don't know if or how my insurance will pay for all of this, so I am just trusting the Lord and hoping that it works out. I have to share a funny thing with you though...... When we were at the Dr. he showed me a prosthetic foot that was made so that flip flops can be worn with it!! LOL, isn't that crazy, lol. He said that some people have told him that it was important to them that they be able to wear flip flops so they made a foot that could accommodate that. I just has a space between the toes. I thought that was so funny. I would have never even though that possible. I told him I could care less about wearing flip flops, I just want to walk again! It's nice to know I have that option though.
In a nutshell that is what is going on with me. Jarred is nearing the end of fifth grade and I am praying hard that he finished out this year with good grades. He will be so happy when he is out of school and for the record, I will too! I can't wait till this school year is over, it's been a rough one! We are looking forward to this summer. We plan on making a trip to Wisconsin at some point during the summer and I'm SO looking forward to that. I'm also looking forward to lots of beach days! I'll keep you posted on my weight loss journey and what's going on with us. Thank you again for your prayers!
<3 Jillian
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Overwhelmed
Well, I finished my last round of chemo and have been back home for a while now. Although I have also been in and out of the hospital several times since then for one reason or another. Currently I am in for a colon infection called C. Diff (I think).
It's so hard to believe that it's been a year since my diagnosis and I am moving onto the next stage. I look back and am overwhelmed with what God has done in my life and how He has carried me through the last year. I know that if I were to look in the sand I would certainly see one set of footprints, His. I look forward and am overwhelmed as well with what lies ahead and moving on to the next stages of life. Don't get me wrong, right now I am a happy overwhelmed. But overwhelmed nonetheless. The fact that this is moving onto the next stage is still quite surreal for me. It's still slowly sinking in. I think that I will be more excited and happy once I get a clean bill of health from Shands. I am set to go there for testing on April 20th & 21st and to have surgery to remove the nodule on my left lung on the 22nd. I am a bit anxious about all of this, especially the surgery and will be much more at ease once it is over with and I can begin recovering.
I am also hoping to be back home in time to make it to Relay for Life. I missed it last year because I was in the hospital and I will still be hurting this year from the surgery, but I figure if I can take some pain meds and sit in my wheelchair and get pushed around for at least a couple of laps that will do a lot to lift my spirits. So pray with me that the surgery goes well and that they are able to do the least invasive surgery possible and that I will be able to make it to Relay for Life. Subsequently, if you would like to donate to our Relay for Life team use this link: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=29622&team_id=923920 We would love to see our goal reach $1000. We will be walking the 29th & 30th of April.
Well that's about all the news I can think of from here. Thank you for your continued prayers and I will keep you updated on what's to come. I truly appreciate all of your prayers, encouragement, and support over the past year. Without the Lord and you dear friends I don't know how I would have made it through this rough year. I love you all and thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
<3 Jillian
It's so hard to believe that it's been a year since my diagnosis and I am moving onto the next stage. I look back and am overwhelmed with what God has done in my life and how He has carried me through the last year. I know that if I were to look in the sand I would certainly see one set of footprints, His. I look forward and am overwhelmed as well with what lies ahead and moving on to the next stages of life. Don't get me wrong, right now I am a happy overwhelmed. But overwhelmed nonetheless. The fact that this is moving onto the next stage is still quite surreal for me. It's still slowly sinking in. I think that I will be more excited and happy once I get a clean bill of health from Shands. I am set to go there for testing on April 20th & 21st and to have surgery to remove the nodule on my left lung on the 22nd. I am a bit anxious about all of this, especially the surgery and will be much more at ease once it is over with and I can begin recovering.
I am also hoping to be back home in time to make it to Relay for Life. I missed it last year because I was in the hospital and I will still be hurting this year from the surgery, but I figure if I can take some pain meds and sit in my wheelchair and get pushed around for at least a couple of laps that will do a lot to lift my spirits. So pray with me that the surgery goes well and that they are able to do the least invasive surgery possible and that I will be able to make it to Relay for Life. Subsequently, if you would like to donate to our Relay for Life team use this link: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=29622&team_id=923920 We would love to see our goal reach $1000. We will be walking the 29th & 30th of April.
Well that's about all the news I can think of from here. Thank you for your continued prayers and I will keep you updated on what's to come. I truly appreciate all of your prayers, encouragement, and support over the past year. Without the Lord and you dear friends I don't know how I would have made it through this rough year. I love you all and thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
<3 Jillian
Thursday, March 17, 2011
One more, hopefully!
Well, I had an appt with the Dr. today to discuss my last round of chemo, hopefully. I will go in on Monday for about five days and that is the last treatment in my protocol. It's hard for me to get excited yet and get my hopes up until after I go to Gainesville and get the all-clear from them. Dr. Johnson is going to call my Dr. in Gainesville and set up a time for me to go over there. That's when I will get my many, many scans done and see if the cancer is gone. I suppose we will also talk about removing that nodule in my left lung. When I had a CAT scan a couple of weeks ago to see how my lungs looked there weren't any more nodules besides the one and the Dr. said it was highly calcified and dense which is a great thing for osteosarcoma. I imagine that they will also talk about taking out my port. So, I don't know when all this will talk place and won't have any more information for another week or so. Oh, and I am hopeful that we will talk about a prosthetic leg as well and maybe get me started on some physical therapy. I still really want to go to Wisconsin for the summer, so I feel like I am on a bit of a time crunch here and I pray that things will progress quickly and a lot will be able to be accomplished in my visit to Gainesville.
It's really had to believe that I was diagnosed over a year ago and that I have undergone a year of chemotherapy. The Lord has been so good though and has seen my needs through every bit of this. When people ask me what I see for my future I really can't see past these next few months and the outcome of them. It will determine where I go from here. I know that with me having my last round of chemo next week (tentatively, as long as anything else doesn't pop up and God, I hope it doesn't) I should be really excited and relieved, but like I said I don't think I will get there until I have been given a clean bill of health in Gainesville. I'm afraid to get too hopeful yet. So I'm waiting patiently and trying to trust the Lord with the next couple of months. And really praying that I get some time off from all the hospital visits, dr. visits, and get to enjoy my summer.
Other than that I seem to be doing pretty well. I'm tired, but that's to be expected. I am still having pain in the area of my amputation, but nothing like it was. Jarred is being a great help when I need him to be. I'm still not very independent, but I think that after the chemo it will come.
SO, that's the update from here. I'll keep you posted and let you know when I'll be heading to Gainesville as soon as I hear.
It's really had to believe that I was diagnosed over a year ago and that I have undergone a year of chemotherapy. The Lord has been so good though and has seen my needs through every bit of this. When people ask me what I see for my future I really can't see past these next few months and the outcome of them. It will determine where I go from here. I know that with me having my last round of chemo next week (tentatively, as long as anything else doesn't pop up and God, I hope it doesn't) I should be really excited and relieved, but like I said I don't think I will get there until I have been given a clean bill of health in Gainesville. I'm afraid to get too hopeful yet. So I'm waiting patiently and trying to trust the Lord with the next couple of months. And really praying that I get some time off from all the hospital visits, dr. visits, and get to enjoy my summer.
Other than that I seem to be doing pretty well. I'm tired, but that's to be expected. I am still having pain in the area of my amputation, but nothing like it was. Jarred is being a great help when I need him to be. I'm still not very independent, but I think that after the chemo it will come.
SO, that's the update from here. I'll keep you posted and let you know when I'll be heading to Gainesville as soon as I hear.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Homestretch is Supposed to Be a Happy Time, Right?
I had my Dr's appt this morning to discuss with Dr. Johnson the last three courses of my chemo. I knew going in that it is supposed to be three straight weeks of chemo. I didn't expect to go in until next week. And I didn't think about what three straight weeks of chemo meant. I just kept thinking, "ok, we're getting close to the end now, almost done!" I tried to prepare myself in case he wanted me to go in tomorrow or this week. I kept saying to myself, "be happy about this, you're almost done!" So when he said we can either admit you tomorrow or Thursday I don't know why the first thing out of my mouth was "I was thinking it wouldn't be until next week." I suppose I crave the normalcy of being at home. Of sleeping in my own bed. Or seeing my kid. Of getting to relax. I hate the hospital. I feel like I have spent more time in the hospital in the last year than out. I think I probably have. I don't know. I hate going to the hospital and being lonely. It sucks. That's all there is too it. I had psyched myself up to look at this "homestretch" as the Dr. calls it as a happy time. Imagine my surprise when I'm sitting in the Dr's office trying my best not to cry because I don't want to go to the hospital. This is supposed to be a happy time, right? I'm almost done. The Dr. told me that basically I will be admitted Thursday and discharged Tuesday then admitted the following Thursday (which gives me a day and a half at home) and discharged the following Tuesday and then finally admitted again the following Thursday and discharged the following Tuesday. Basically I am going to be in the hospital for the next three weeks. As long as my blood counts hold up then it will have to drag out even longer which I don't want. Have I mentioned that I hate being in the hospital. Alone. Bored. So yes, I know that I should be happy that I am in the homestretch, but walking out to the car all I could do was cry. And cry. And cry. I don't know why. I have so many different emotions waring inside of me. I should be feeling relief, but I am not feeling that quite yet. I am so ready for all of this to be over with. I am ready to go to Shands and get the clearance that everything is OK. Have the next lung surgery if they choose to do so and get on with my life. Go away for the summer. I just want to fast-forward my life right now. Really, really bad. I know that I'm at the end of my treatment Lord willing. But you see, I have been getting chemo for almost a year. That's a whole year of my life dedicated to just trying to stay above water. Staying at home. Staying away from sick people. Not really having much of a life. And to be honest it's been even longer of that if you count in the surgery before I was diagnosed and the months of suffering prior to that. I don't mean to whine and I don't want you to feel sorry for me I just have to vent. I'm tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I guess a big part of me is scared too. Scared to see whether or not this is really the end or if I'll have to start more treatments after this. I just want to hurry past the next three weeks to get to Shands and see if I'm cancer free. See if I'm going to live. See if I can have my life back for a while. I'm nervous, scared and anxious. What will it be like once I'm done with chemo and cleared? Will I still instinctively hold onto survival mode? How do I get out of it? Will I be OK to go home for the summer? Oh, so many questions and all the answers have to wait. I guess that is what the Lord means when He tells us to Trust in Him with all our hearts and lean not unto our own understanding or to Be still and know that He is God. He has all of this under control. He has it already worked out for me. But I still can't help but wonder HOW? Is more suffering in my future? Will I go on to have a happy, healthy, productive life after this? How does one transition from fighting cancer to living again. I suppose by taking it day by day. By forcing myself out of my comfort zones. By trying to get my independence back? Oh, so many questions so few answers.
So with a mindful and crying like a woman full of hormones I decided the best thing to do today was keep myself busy. Not go home. Not dwell. So I called my mom, had some retail therapy, lunch and a mani & pedi instead. I probably wouldn't have come home when I did if Jarred hadn't been coming home from school. It's nice outside. Really nice. Like summer almost. So I'm going to dig out my summer clothes tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to try to work up the energy to go to the beach and church. Then I'll come home and pack for the hospital and on Thursday I'll be admitted to start the course that will hopefully finish my fight in this battle. My plan today was to enjoy the two days that the Lord gave me before I go back in. To enjoy the time that I'm feeling OK enough to actually get out of the house. Because I know that once this triple round of chemo starts I'm going to be recuperating for quite some time.
So for those of you that were actually interested that was my basket case of a day ;)
Jill
So with a mindful and crying like a woman full of hormones I decided the best thing to do today was keep myself busy. Not go home. Not dwell. So I called my mom, had some retail therapy, lunch and a mani & pedi instead. I probably wouldn't have come home when I did if Jarred hadn't been coming home from school. It's nice outside. Really nice. Like summer almost. So I'm going to dig out my summer clothes tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to try to work up the energy to go to the beach and church. Then I'll come home and pack for the hospital and on Thursday I'll be admitted to start the course that will hopefully finish my fight in this battle. My plan today was to enjoy the two days that the Lord gave me before I go back in. To enjoy the time that I'm feeling OK enough to actually get out of the house. Because I know that once this triple round of chemo starts I'm going to be recuperating for quite some time.
So for those of you that were actually interested that was my basket case of a day ;)
Jill
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Ready for the Next Round
Well, it's been a while since you've heard from me and you may wonder what's going on and where I am at in my treatment. Unfortunately we haven't made much progress since my last post. I now have four rounds of chemo left. This next round has been postponed twice due to my blood counts or platelets being so low. Which in turn has resulted in me being basically exhausted all the time. Therefore, I haven't been up to very much. Mostly sticking around the house and trying to avoid the numerous germs that seem to be taking over the households of my friends and church family. The last thing I need of course is to be sick!
Amanda, my friend from Wisconsin that had been here since November, left this week. Her presence is deeply missed. She was a great companion/caretaker for me. I hated to see her leave. Unfortunately her grandfather passed away rather suddenly which is why she had to go home so early. So, If you would keep her and her grandmother and family in your prayers I know they would appreciate it. Amanda is also considering moving down this way and I know that she would appreciate your prayers for the Lord's guidance in that area of her life as well. For those of you that got to meet her while she was here you know what a sweet girl she is and she managed to work her way into our hearts rather quickly. So I would be happy to have her here, but only if that is what the Lord wants for her life.
Jarred is doing alright. We are still muddling through the fifth grade. This year has proved to be very challenging. We've had to do so much more studying at home than in years past. He's a trooper though and is handling the load to the best of his ability. He keeps me giggling when I'm home and I'm pleased to say that as of lately we've reached a whole new level of bonding. Which is really great considering that now he wants to talk to me about "stuff" and we've established that it's good for him to do this before he hits those crazy teenager years. My prayer is that our line of communication will always be open and he will be able to come to me with anything and that I can have the grace I'll need when he does come. I don't want to be one of those parents that are always flipping out on him, but I don't want him to think I'm his buddy either. I just want him to trust me enough to share his heart, whatever may be on it. He is a sweet and caring young man and I look forward to seeing the man that he will become. I know that if he allows, God will do some wonderful things with his life.
Other things that have been filling my days at home include watching movies (big surprise there!), reading (still LOVING my Kindle!), attempting to knit, drinking tea, and studying or goofing off with Jarred. I have a sweet friend, Lori over at Ellenay Designs who is willing to put up with my amateur knitting and start a knitting group with me. We may be small, but we are mighty! You should check out her website. She makes the most beautiful jewelry. All handmade and with a lot of vintage/antique pieces. She's got some great stuff on there for Valentines Day. Anyway, I'm looking forward to a visit from her today to do some knitting, cooking and tea drinking. A nice way to spend a cold, overcast day if I do say so myself. So I have a fun filled afternoon ahead of me. Oh, and I am FINALLY getting new flooring in my apartment. If you've been here you know what a great thing this is! As soon as I go into the hospital a friend from church will be ripping up the carpet and putting down wood laminate flooring. Ahhhhh, I can't wait. It will look so much nicer in here. Not to mention easier for me to get around without tripping over the stupid carpet!
Well that's about all the news from here. Let me know what's going on in your neck of the woods!
Amanda, my friend from Wisconsin that had been here since November, left this week. Her presence is deeply missed. She was a great companion/caretaker for me. I hated to see her leave. Unfortunately her grandfather passed away rather suddenly which is why she had to go home so early. So, If you would keep her and her grandmother and family in your prayers I know they would appreciate it. Amanda is also considering moving down this way and I know that she would appreciate your prayers for the Lord's guidance in that area of her life as well. For those of you that got to meet her while she was here you know what a sweet girl she is and she managed to work her way into our hearts rather quickly. So I would be happy to have her here, but only if that is what the Lord wants for her life.
Jarred is doing alright. We are still muddling through the fifth grade. This year has proved to be very challenging. We've had to do so much more studying at home than in years past. He's a trooper though and is handling the load to the best of his ability. He keeps me giggling when I'm home and I'm pleased to say that as of lately we've reached a whole new level of bonding. Which is really great considering that now he wants to talk to me about "stuff" and we've established that it's good for him to do this before he hits those crazy teenager years. My prayer is that our line of communication will always be open and he will be able to come to me with anything and that I can have the grace I'll need when he does come. I don't want to be one of those parents that are always flipping out on him, but I don't want him to think I'm his buddy either. I just want him to trust me enough to share his heart, whatever may be on it. He is a sweet and caring young man and I look forward to seeing the man that he will become. I know that if he allows, God will do some wonderful things with his life.
Other things that have been filling my days at home include watching movies (big surprise there!), reading (still LOVING my Kindle!), attempting to knit, drinking tea, and studying or goofing off with Jarred. I have a sweet friend, Lori over at Ellenay Designs who is willing to put up with my amateur knitting and start a knitting group with me. We may be small, but we are mighty! You should check out her website. She makes the most beautiful jewelry. All handmade and with a lot of vintage/antique pieces. She's got some great stuff on there for Valentines Day. Anyway, I'm looking forward to a visit from her today to do some knitting, cooking and tea drinking. A nice way to spend a cold, overcast day if I do say so myself. So I have a fun filled afternoon ahead of me. Oh, and I am FINALLY getting new flooring in my apartment. If you've been here you know what a great thing this is! As soon as I go into the hospital a friend from church will be ripping up the carpet and putting down wood laminate flooring. Ahhhhh, I can't wait. It will look so much nicer in here. Not to mention easier for me to get around without tripping over the stupid carpet!
Well that's about all the news from here. Let me know what's going on in your neck of the woods!
Monday, January 10, 2011
I Have Been Blessed
Truly an understatement to say the least. As we drove to revival tonight I was filled with anticipation and hope. I'm a weeper. You may want to say that I'm just tenderhearted, but I weep very easily. The smallest things touch my heart and the tears just flow. I blame my father for this. Bless his sweet soul. He is so tenderhearted too. A quality that I love and admire him for deeply. As we were listening to Conversations by Sarah Groves, who seems to be able to speak the words of my heart, on the way to church I was already bubbling over with tears. Thinking back to the trials of years past and how deeply her words touched me in the loss of my Great-Grandmother, who for all practical purposes was like a mother to me spurred me to think of how God has truly blessed me and carried me through every storm in my life. Even before I was saved He was protecting, guiding, and making a way for me to Him.
When I got to church I opened my bible. I have several and this particular one, although it is my favorite, I haven't used in a while because the print is so small. As I opened it though I found several things inside. Among these were one of my blog posts that my Mom printed out when she came down for my amputation. It was my "Thinking list on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtue and praise." As I read through it I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with just how good God is. This has been a hard year. The hardest of my life, but I can look back over at this list and ponder on these things and realize just how truly blessed that I am. I can know that this is just a little bump in the road to eternity. I stand in awe of just how good and faithful God has been to me in this difficult journey. I am also reminded that the biggest struggle that I face on a day-to-day basis is redirecting my thoughts. I need to keep my mind steadied on the Word. Let it permeate every bit of my heart and brain. Only then will I truly be a conqueror in this battle. I also found in my bible a note that one of my physical therapists had given me two days after my amputation that had one of her favorite bible verses on it James 1:2-4 "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." The Lord has consistently put people in my path at the hospitals that are believers and an encouragement. It's hard to wrap your mind around counting cancer, and amputation and the life altering changes that those things bring as joy. Instead of complaining about how difficult the trials that I have faced and continue to face are I need to view them as an opportunity for growth and search for what the Lord wants me to glean from this valley.
So, before the preaching even started at revival Jesus had jump-started my heart into it's own little revival right there in my pew. I was just overwhelmed. I don't really know how else to put it into words. Then the choir, which consisted of the kids, teens and some adults sang the song I Have Been Blessed. I wish that I could find a good video to share with you of this song. It hold very special meaning for me and for Jarred. As I listened to the sweet voices sing the words of that song I realized that in spite of everything that has happened to me physically and in spite of how the devil has tried his hardest to get me down that I have been blessed in every sense of the word. No, I don't lead a life of extravagance. I may be considering poor by the worlds standards, but I am so rich in love, blessings, fellowship and my Savior. And what peace that truth brings.
The message that Phil Kidd brought tonight was titled Getting To The Next Level with God. I hope to post the link to that message once it's up on our churches website. It's certainly worth listening to. The message was brought out of Mark 2:1-5 & 11, 12. Those people had a revival going on and it was well known that Jesus was there. God was in the house! These four men wanted to bring a man sick with the palsy to him for healing. They knew if they could just get there that Jesus could no doubt heal him. Once they arrived it was so packed there was no way that they could get inside, so they climbed the roof and lowered him into house where Jesus was. When Jesus saw the four men's faith "he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee." Mark 2:5. All those men needed to do was take it to the next level. I was so enthralled with the message that I didn't jot down the points, but the key was just stepping up your walk with the Lord. Taking it to that next level. And that is what I so desire for myself. I want to get there and I know it starts with me being more dedicated and more faithful. It starts with me having an open heart and listening to what the Lord is trying to teach me. I don't really know what my spiritual gifts are, but I want to find them and I want to spend the rest of my life using them to glorify God. Will you please pray with me in this way?
It's late, but I just had to get these thoughts out there. We still have four more days of revival left and I know that the Lord is just going to do some miraculous things this week. I'm so happy that it worked out for me to be able to attend and I'm looking forward to see how the Lord is going to work in my life and the lives of my friends and family. Please pray for our revival services this week. Pray that our church will get fired up and this revival will live on in out hearts long after this week is over, but that it will result in life changing decisions and actions on the behalf of our brethren.
God Bless you all and goodnight :)
When I got to church I opened my bible. I have several and this particular one, although it is my favorite, I haven't used in a while because the print is so small. As I opened it though I found several things inside. Among these were one of my blog posts that my Mom printed out when she came down for my amputation. It was my "Thinking list on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtue and praise." As I read through it I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with just how good God is. This has been a hard year. The hardest of my life, but I can look back over at this list and ponder on these things and realize just how truly blessed that I am. I can know that this is just a little bump in the road to eternity. I stand in awe of just how good and faithful God has been to me in this difficult journey. I am also reminded that the biggest struggle that I face on a day-to-day basis is redirecting my thoughts. I need to keep my mind steadied on the Word. Let it permeate every bit of my heart and brain. Only then will I truly be a conqueror in this battle. I also found in my bible a note that one of my physical therapists had given me two days after my amputation that had one of her favorite bible verses on it James 1:2-4 "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." The Lord has consistently put people in my path at the hospitals that are believers and an encouragement. It's hard to wrap your mind around counting cancer, and amputation and the life altering changes that those things bring as joy. Instead of complaining about how difficult the trials that I have faced and continue to face are I need to view them as an opportunity for growth and search for what the Lord wants me to glean from this valley.
So, before the preaching even started at revival Jesus had jump-started my heart into it's own little revival right there in my pew. I was just overwhelmed. I don't really know how else to put it into words. Then the choir, which consisted of the kids, teens and some adults sang the song I Have Been Blessed. I wish that I could find a good video to share with you of this song. It hold very special meaning for me and for Jarred. As I listened to the sweet voices sing the words of that song I realized that in spite of everything that has happened to me physically and in spite of how the devil has tried his hardest to get me down that I have been blessed in every sense of the word. No, I don't lead a life of extravagance. I may be considering poor by the worlds standards, but I am so rich in love, blessings, fellowship and my Savior. And what peace that truth brings.
The message that Phil Kidd brought tonight was titled Getting To The Next Level with God. I hope to post the link to that message once it's up on our churches website. It's certainly worth listening to. The message was brought out of Mark 2:1-5 & 11, 12. Those people had a revival going on and it was well known that Jesus was there. God was in the house! These four men wanted to bring a man sick with the palsy to him for healing. They knew if they could just get there that Jesus could no doubt heal him. Once they arrived it was so packed there was no way that they could get inside, so they climbed the roof and lowered him into house where Jesus was. When Jesus saw the four men's faith "he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee." Mark 2:5. All those men needed to do was take it to the next level. I was so enthralled with the message that I didn't jot down the points, but the key was just stepping up your walk with the Lord. Taking it to that next level. And that is what I so desire for myself. I want to get there and I know it starts with me being more dedicated and more faithful. It starts with me having an open heart and listening to what the Lord is trying to teach me. I don't really know what my spiritual gifts are, but I want to find them and I want to spend the rest of my life using them to glorify God. Will you please pray with me in this way?
It's late, but I just had to get these thoughts out there. We still have four more days of revival left and I know that the Lord is just going to do some miraculous things this week. I'm so happy that it worked out for me to be able to attend and I'm looking forward to see how the Lord is going to work in my life and the lives of my friends and family. Please pray for our revival services this week. Pray that our church will get fired up and this revival will live on in out hearts long after this week is over, but that it will result in life changing decisions and actions on the behalf of our brethren.
God Bless you all and goodnight :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
What's Going on In My New Year?
Well nothing much actually. It was a blessing to be released from the hospital on Christmas Eve. We accomplished an insane amount of things before heading home and were then able to enjoy an idyllic Christmas Eve.We had a wonderful Christmas here at home. Got up early and did the present thing then I went off to take a nap before going to our sweet friends home for Christmas dinner. It's so lovely to spend the Holidays with family, friends, and those you love. I felt so blessed just to be there, you know. To be here. To be. This time isn't promised to us by any means. That is the one lesson that I have learned in 2010. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Lesson learned. Check.
As I've read about peoples New Years resolutions, goals, etc. I don't even know where to begin or what to think. 2010, for me, was about survival. I'm still in survival mode and will be until I have completed my course of treatments. I still have five more chemo rounds. I will be admitted for the next round on Jan 18th, then the following week I will have another round. Then a three week break and the last three rounds will be back to back. Once finished with chemo I will have a follow-up with the Dr's in Gainsville to see where I am at. Scans and the whole bit. I also need to have that other nodule removed from my left lung. So at this point in time I am assuming that I will be finished by sometime in March. It's been a long, difficult year. It's gone by fast though and the light at the end of the tunnel is looking brighter every day.
These days my thoughts aren't so filled with things such as "will I make it through this journey? Will I live?" They are replaced with thoughts such as "When this treatment is over with what will I do? How do I make the transition back to self sufficiency? Where do I go from here?" All big questions. Where does the Lord want to lead me? What would He have me do with my life. All things for me to ponder and explore over these next few months. I do know what I want in some areas. Big breath. Exhale. I do have some...... goals! Mine are kind of broken up into time frames and some require working up to. I hope to be getting my prosthetic leg in the next few months and I know that will require lots of physical therapy. I'm thinking that if I can learn to use that properly that it will make me feel so much more independent.
Ok, this is where I have to digress for a bit. Dependency. I have never been a person that is heavily dependent on others. I've always been very independent. Even since childhood. This last year I've had all of my independence taken from me. Cooking my own meals, cleaning my house, shopping, etc. are all things I've had to depend on others for. Now there are and have been those rare occasions that I've been able to do a little myself here and there, but for the most part I've depended on my church family and friends. I've had constant companions in Carrie, Callie, and Amanda. The Lord has provided so gracefully in those areas. I just don't know how we would have gotten by without all the help the Lord has given me in the way of people with hearts to serve. But I know that the time is coming near when I will need to start regaining my independence. So I would like to slowly dive back into doing things for myself. Right now it takes a great deal of effort and wears me out completely, but I do still see little things I can do and need to force myself to do those things. I'd very much like to get my house reorganized while I have Amanda here to help. That's big on my list!
Anyway, sorry for the rant! I would also like to start driving again. I pretty much stopped driving last March. I've been a bit - ok, more than a bit - reluctant about driving. Which if you know me - and my independent streak - this is very unusual. That's an area I definitely need to push myself in. I would also like to take a trip to Wisconsin for the Summer. In my mind this is such a huge and daunting task. Traveling on the plane with the wheelchair and needing the walker too. Getting to the gates. It seems a bit scary to me. I know that they offer handicapped assistance, but I am still nervous about the trip itself. On the other hand I've never been to Wisconsin in the Summer and think that it would be such a lovely time to get away and be with my family there. I hope to also start taking a few classes in the fall towards my BAS degree. I've had to take time off since I've been sick and now that I have the disability coming in, I think it will be the perfect time to jump back into school and finish up my degree quickly.
I just know that I don't want to take life for granted anymore and enjoy it as much as possible. After all that I've been through I've realized that you have to make the most of the time you do have. I don't want to spend my time wishing I had done more. I'd like to take more trips. Visit the places Jarred and I have talked about going. I'd like to get in my head that these limitations I have are not really limitations but a blessing that has caused me to slow down and evaluate what's really important. They've caused me to not just be "busy" for the point of doing something, but to choose my time and activities wisely. Or they will, I should say, when I get past the ill effects of chemo.
Most importantly I need to be a more dedicated Christian. I need to read my bible more, pray more and I need to walk the walk. Or in my case hop the hop, lol :)
So, as this first week to 2011 comes to a close I haven't really done anything. I've been feeling ill and resting as much as possible. I thank God that he allows me the time to rest. To rejuvenate. And you know what? I don't feel guilty that most of the past week has either been spent on my couch or in my bed. So there.
We have revival coming up next week at church and I had prayed and hoped that I would be able to make it. Let's face it, we all need some reviving, right? Well I know that I am in desperate need of revival and can't wait. I'm praying that I'll feel well and be able to go every night. Also praying that some of my family will come too. That would make me so happy. If you are in this area and would like to come please let me know. I would love to have you as my guest. I'm really looking forward to seeing what the Lord will do in our church. How we will get stirred up and what convictions the Lord will raise in our hearts. I pray that this year Jarred will have an open heart and ears to hear what the Lord has to say to him.
Since I hadn't updated in a while I thought some of you might like to know what's going on with my treatment and in my life. Lets add update blog more frequently to that goal list :) Sometimes I don't feel like I have much interesting to say or that I'm being redundant.
Well, I'll work on that too.
Until later.........
As I've read about peoples New Years resolutions, goals, etc. I don't even know where to begin or what to think. 2010, for me, was about survival. I'm still in survival mode and will be until I have completed my course of treatments. I still have five more chemo rounds. I will be admitted for the next round on Jan 18th, then the following week I will have another round. Then a three week break and the last three rounds will be back to back. Once finished with chemo I will have a follow-up with the Dr's in Gainsville to see where I am at. Scans and the whole bit. I also need to have that other nodule removed from my left lung. So at this point in time I am assuming that I will be finished by sometime in March. It's been a long, difficult year. It's gone by fast though and the light at the end of the tunnel is looking brighter every day.
These days my thoughts aren't so filled with things such as "will I make it through this journey? Will I live?" They are replaced with thoughts such as "When this treatment is over with what will I do? How do I make the transition back to self sufficiency? Where do I go from here?" All big questions. Where does the Lord want to lead me? What would He have me do with my life. All things for me to ponder and explore over these next few months. I do know what I want in some areas. Big breath. Exhale. I do have some...... goals! Mine are kind of broken up into time frames and some require working up to. I hope to be getting my prosthetic leg in the next few months and I know that will require lots of physical therapy. I'm thinking that if I can learn to use that properly that it will make me feel so much more independent.
Ok, this is where I have to digress for a bit. Dependency. I have never been a person that is heavily dependent on others. I've always been very independent. Even since childhood. This last year I've had all of my independence taken from me. Cooking my own meals, cleaning my house, shopping, etc. are all things I've had to depend on others for. Now there are and have been those rare occasions that I've been able to do a little myself here and there, but for the most part I've depended on my church family and friends. I've had constant companions in Carrie, Callie, and Amanda. The Lord has provided so gracefully in those areas. I just don't know how we would have gotten by without all the help the Lord has given me in the way of people with hearts to serve. But I know that the time is coming near when I will need to start regaining my independence. So I would like to slowly dive back into doing things for myself. Right now it takes a great deal of effort and wears me out completely, but I do still see little things I can do and need to force myself to do those things. I'd very much like to get my house reorganized while I have Amanda here to help. That's big on my list!
Anyway, sorry for the rant! I would also like to start driving again. I pretty much stopped driving last March. I've been a bit - ok, more than a bit - reluctant about driving. Which if you know me - and my independent streak - this is very unusual. That's an area I definitely need to push myself in. I would also like to take a trip to Wisconsin for the Summer. In my mind this is such a huge and daunting task. Traveling on the plane with the wheelchair and needing the walker too. Getting to the gates. It seems a bit scary to me. I know that they offer handicapped assistance, but I am still nervous about the trip itself. On the other hand I've never been to Wisconsin in the Summer and think that it would be such a lovely time to get away and be with my family there. I hope to also start taking a few classes in the fall towards my BAS degree. I've had to take time off since I've been sick and now that I have the disability coming in, I think it will be the perfect time to jump back into school and finish up my degree quickly.
I just know that I don't want to take life for granted anymore and enjoy it as much as possible. After all that I've been through I've realized that you have to make the most of the time you do have. I don't want to spend my time wishing I had done more. I'd like to take more trips. Visit the places Jarred and I have talked about going. I'd like to get in my head that these limitations I have are not really limitations but a blessing that has caused me to slow down and evaluate what's really important. They've caused me to not just be "busy" for the point of doing something, but to choose my time and activities wisely. Or they will, I should say, when I get past the ill effects of chemo.
Most importantly I need to be a more dedicated Christian. I need to read my bible more, pray more and I need to walk the walk. Or in my case hop the hop, lol :)
So, as this first week to 2011 comes to a close I haven't really done anything. I've been feeling ill and resting as much as possible. I thank God that he allows me the time to rest. To rejuvenate. And you know what? I don't feel guilty that most of the past week has either been spent on my couch or in my bed. So there.
We have revival coming up next week at church and I had prayed and hoped that I would be able to make it. Let's face it, we all need some reviving, right? Well I know that I am in desperate need of revival and can't wait. I'm praying that I'll feel well and be able to go every night. Also praying that some of my family will come too. That would make me so happy. If you are in this area and would like to come please let me know. I would love to have you as my guest. I'm really looking forward to seeing what the Lord will do in our church. How we will get stirred up and what convictions the Lord will raise in our hearts. I pray that this year Jarred will have an open heart and ears to hear what the Lord has to say to him.
Since I hadn't updated in a while I thought some of you might like to know what's going on with my treatment and in my life. Lets add update blog more frequently to that goal list :) Sometimes I don't feel like I have much interesting to say or that I'm being redundant.
Well, I'll work on that too.
Until later.........
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Thursday, May 12, 2011
Update :)
I am home and happy. I am so excited about the future and seeing what God has in store for me!! I had my lung surgery on April 22nd and it went really well. They got out the last nodule that was on my lungs and I am healing well from that surgery. During my time in Gainesville I found out that there is no cancer in my body!! YAY!!! So that means I am cancer free and no more chemo! It feels so good to be able to say that. I have to give God every bit of glory for healing me. I know that the prayers of many of my friends, family and even those that I do not know have been answered. I never would have made it through this battle for my life if it hadn't been for my faith in the Lord and the prayers of his saints. :) I still have to go in for scans/check-ups every three months. I've been told that if the cancer were to come back it is most likely to come back in the first two years, so the doctors will be keeping a close watch on me for the next two years, but I have faith that this cancer is NOT going to come back and I have beaten it once and for all.
I had an appointment with the prosthetics Dr. here in Ft. Walton on Tuesday. His name is Dr. Jack and he came highly recommended. There is a lot more that goes into getting a prosthetic than I ever would have thought! It is quite a long process. The first thing they will do is measure my body/weight for several weeks in a row to make sure that my weight/size are not fluctuating. The Dr. stressed to me how important it is for my body to be stable (meaning my weight and size) because they will make the prosthetic to fit my body and if I gain weight or loose it after it is made then it will result in me not being able to walk well and they would just have to make another one. So the first thing that I need to do before I get started is try to loose some weight. I had hoped that once I got the prosthetic that I would loose weight, but I didn't even think of the fact that it would effect the fit of the prosthetic its self. So for the next two months I am going to try to loose 10-15 pounds. That is going to be quite challenging considering there's not a whole lot of exercise I can do. My plan is to really watch what I eat and only put healthy things in my mouth and to also try drinking this stuff called Skinny Water that my friend Lori has been telling me about and also do exercises to strengthen my core muscles (which Dr. Jack recommended I do because that will help me walk better once I get the prosthetic). I will update you more on my weight loss and the Skinny Water later. So once I loose some weight and am at a stable weight/size I will go back to the prosthetic Dr. and he will measure me several weeks in a row. Then once we have determined that I am stable he will cast my entire pelvis. The part of the prosthetic that fits to my body is known as the "socket." Because I don't have any of my left leg due to how high the amputation is my socket will look kind of like a pair of plastic underwear and the leg will attach to it. Once they cast my pelvis they will begin building the socket and leg and that will only take them about a week! I was really surprised to hear that because I thought it would take a lot longer to build a prosthetic leg. They do it right there at the Dr's office in FWB. When they finish building my leg and it is ready I'll go back in and Dr. Jack will of course show my how to put it on. Then begins the hard work! He said that he will show me various techniques that I will need to master and when combined those techniques will result my being able to walk. Of course it is going to take a lot of hard work, dedication, and consistency on my part to be able to walk again and even more so to walk normally. I am prepared though. I want so badly to just be able to walk again!! He said that the people that are the most successful with prosthetics are those that put it on every morning when they wake up - whether they think they will use it or not- and wear it throughout the day. So the biggest thing is using it and not falling back on using my walker. I'm so excited to get started and can't wait to be able to walk again. Walking means I will be completely independent once again and will open up many doors for me. So, the biggest hurdles I have to face now are loosing the weight and keeping it off and praying that my insurance will cover the prosthetic. Now the other thing that I have to keep in mind is that even if I do loose the weight and keep it off I am likely to loose more once I start being active and my body will change a lot just from using the prosthetic and being more active. With that in mind the Dr. said that it is not uncommon to have to have another prosthetic made after the first six months because of all the changes your body goes through. Again, I don't know if or how my insurance will pay for all of this, so I am just trusting the Lord and hoping that it works out. I have to share a funny thing with you though...... When we were at the Dr. he showed me a prosthetic foot that was made so that flip flops can be worn with it!! LOL, isn't that crazy, lol. He said that some people have told him that it was important to them that they be able to wear flip flops so they made a foot that could accommodate that. I just has a space between the toes. I thought that was so funny. I would have never even though that possible. I told him I could care less about wearing flip flops, I just want to walk again! It's nice to know I have that option though.
In a nutshell that is what is going on with me. Jarred is nearing the end of fifth grade and I am praying hard that he finished out this year with good grades. He will be so happy when he is out of school and for the record, I will too! I can't wait till this school year is over, it's been a rough one! We are looking forward to this summer. We plan on making a trip to Wisconsin at some point during the summer and I'm SO looking forward to that. I'm also looking forward to lots of beach days! I'll keep you posted on my weight loss journey and what's going on with us. Thank you again for your prayers!
<3 Jillian
I had an appointment with the prosthetics Dr. here in Ft. Walton on Tuesday. His name is Dr. Jack and he came highly recommended. There is a lot more that goes into getting a prosthetic than I ever would have thought! It is quite a long process. The first thing they will do is measure my body/weight for several weeks in a row to make sure that my weight/size are not fluctuating. The Dr. stressed to me how important it is for my body to be stable (meaning my weight and size) because they will make the prosthetic to fit my body and if I gain weight or loose it after it is made then it will result in me not being able to walk well and they would just have to make another one. So the first thing that I need to do before I get started is try to loose some weight. I had hoped that once I got the prosthetic that I would loose weight, but I didn't even think of the fact that it would effect the fit of the prosthetic its self. So for the next two months I am going to try to loose 10-15 pounds. That is going to be quite challenging considering there's not a whole lot of exercise I can do. My plan is to really watch what I eat and only put healthy things in my mouth and to also try drinking this stuff called Skinny Water that my friend Lori has been telling me about and also do exercises to strengthen my core muscles (which Dr. Jack recommended I do because that will help me walk better once I get the prosthetic). I will update you more on my weight loss and the Skinny Water later. So once I loose some weight and am at a stable weight/size I will go back to the prosthetic Dr. and he will measure me several weeks in a row. Then once we have determined that I am stable he will cast my entire pelvis. The part of the prosthetic that fits to my body is known as the "socket." Because I don't have any of my left leg due to how high the amputation is my socket will look kind of like a pair of plastic underwear and the leg will attach to it. Once they cast my pelvis they will begin building the socket and leg and that will only take them about a week! I was really surprised to hear that because I thought it would take a lot longer to build a prosthetic leg. They do it right there at the Dr's office in FWB. When they finish building my leg and it is ready I'll go back in and Dr. Jack will of course show my how to put it on. Then begins the hard work! He said that he will show me various techniques that I will need to master and when combined those techniques will result my being able to walk. Of course it is going to take a lot of hard work, dedication, and consistency on my part to be able to walk again and even more so to walk normally. I am prepared though. I want so badly to just be able to walk again!! He said that the people that are the most successful with prosthetics are those that put it on every morning when they wake up - whether they think they will use it or not- and wear it throughout the day. So the biggest thing is using it and not falling back on using my walker. I'm so excited to get started and can't wait to be able to walk again. Walking means I will be completely independent once again and will open up many doors for me. So, the biggest hurdles I have to face now are loosing the weight and keeping it off and praying that my insurance will cover the prosthetic. Now the other thing that I have to keep in mind is that even if I do loose the weight and keep it off I am likely to loose more once I start being active and my body will change a lot just from using the prosthetic and being more active. With that in mind the Dr. said that it is not uncommon to have to have another prosthetic made after the first six months because of all the changes your body goes through. Again, I don't know if or how my insurance will pay for all of this, so I am just trusting the Lord and hoping that it works out. I have to share a funny thing with you though...... When we were at the Dr. he showed me a prosthetic foot that was made so that flip flops can be worn with it!! LOL, isn't that crazy, lol. He said that some people have told him that it was important to them that they be able to wear flip flops so they made a foot that could accommodate that. I just has a space between the toes. I thought that was so funny. I would have never even though that possible. I told him I could care less about wearing flip flops, I just want to walk again! It's nice to know I have that option though.
In a nutshell that is what is going on with me. Jarred is nearing the end of fifth grade and I am praying hard that he finished out this year with good grades. He will be so happy when he is out of school and for the record, I will too! I can't wait till this school year is over, it's been a rough one! We are looking forward to this summer. We plan on making a trip to Wisconsin at some point during the summer and I'm SO looking forward to that. I'm also looking forward to lots of beach days! I'll keep you posted on my weight loss journey and what's going on with us. Thank you again for your prayers!
<3 Jillian
Friday, April 8, 2011
Overwhelmed
Well, I finished my last round of chemo and have been back home for a while now. Although I have also been in and out of the hospital several times since then for one reason or another. Currently I am in for a colon infection called C. Diff (I think).
It's so hard to believe that it's been a year since my diagnosis and I am moving onto the next stage. I look back and am overwhelmed with what God has done in my life and how He has carried me through the last year. I know that if I were to look in the sand I would certainly see one set of footprints, His. I look forward and am overwhelmed as well with what lies ahead and moving on to the next stages of life. Don't get me wrong, right now I am a happy overwhelmed. But overwhelmed nonetheless. The fact that this is moving onto the next stage is still quite surreal for me. It's still slowly sinking in. I think that I will be more excited and happy once I get a clean bill of health from Shands. I am set to go there for testing on April 20th & 21st and to have surgery to remove the nodule on my left lung on the 22nd. I am a bit anxious about all of this, especially the surgery and will be much more at ease once it is over with and I can begin recovering.
I am also hoping to be back home in time to make it to Relay for Life. I missed it last year because I was in the hospital and I will still be hurting this year from the surgery, but I figure if I can take some pain meds and sit in my wheelchair and get pushed around for at least a couple of laps that will do a lot to lift my spirits. So pray with me that the surgery goes well and that they are able to do the least invasive surgery possible and that I will be able to make it to Relay for Life. Subsequently, if you would like to donate to our Relay for Life team use this link: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=29622&team_id=923920 We would love to see our goal reach $1000. We will be walking the 29th & 30th of April.
Well that's about all the news I can think of from here. Thank you for your continued prayers and I will keep you updated on what's to come. I truly appreciate all of your prayers, encouragement, and support over the past year. Without the Lord and you dear friends I don't know how I would have made it through this rough year. I love you all and thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
<3 Jillian
It's so hard to believe that it's been a year since my diagnosis and I am moving onto the next stage. I look back and am overwhelmed with what God has done in my life and how He has carried me through the last year. I know that if I were to look in the sand I would certainly see one set of footprints, His. I look forward and am overwhelmed as well with what lies ahead and moving on to the next stages of life. Don't get me wrong, right now I am a happy overwhelmed. But overwhelmed nonetheless. The fact that this is moving onto the next stage is still quite surreal for me. It's still slowly sinking in. I think that I will be more excited and happy once I get a clean bill of health from Shands. I am set to go there for testing on April 20th & 21st and to have surgery to remove the nodule on my left lung on the 22nd. I am a bit anxious about all of this, especially the surgery and will be much more at ease once it is over with and I can begin recovering.
I am also hoping to be back home in time to make it to Relay for Life. I missed it last year because I was in the hospital and I will still be hurting this year from the surgery, but I figure if I can take some pain meds and sit in my wheelchair and get pushed around for at least a couple of laps that will do a lot to lift my spirits. So pray with me that the surgery goes well and that they are able to do the least invasive surgery possible and that I will be able to make it to Relay for Life. Subsequently, if you would like to donate to our Relay for Life team use this link: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=29622&team_id=923920 We would love to see our goal reach $1000. We will be walking the 29th & 30th of April.
Well that's about all the news I can think of from here. Thank you for your continued prayers and I will keep you updated on what's to come. I truly appreciate all of your prayers, encouragement, and support over the past year. Without the Lord and you dear friends I don't know how I would have made it through this rough year. I love you all and thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
<3 Jillian
Thursday, March 17, 2011
One more, hopefully!
Well, I had an appt with the Dr. today to discuss my last round of chemo, hopefully. I will go in on Monday for about five days and that is the last treatment in my protocol. It's hard for me to get excited yet and get my hopes up until after I go to Gainesville and get the all-clear from them. Dr. Johnson is going to call my Dr. in Gainesville and set up a time for me to go over there. That's when I will get my many, many scans done and see if the cancer is gone. I suppose we will also talk about removing that nodule in my left lung. When I had a CAT scan a couple of weeks ago to see how my lungs looked there weren't any more nodules besides the one and the Dr. said it was highly calcified and dense which is a great thing for osteosarcoma. I imagine that they will also talk about taking out my port. So, I don't know when all this will talk place and won't have any more information for another week or so. Oh, and I am hopeful that we will talk about a prosthetic leg as well and maybe get me started on some physical therapy. I still really want to go to Wisconsin for the summer, so I feel like I am on a bit of a time crunch here and I pray that things will progress quickly and a lot will be able to be accomplished in my visit to Gainesville.
It's really had to believe that I was diagnosed over a year ago and that I have undergone a year of chemotherapy. The Lord has been so good though and has seen my needs through every bit of this. When people ask me what I see for my future I really can't see past these next few months and the outcome of them. It will determine where I go from here. I know that with me having my last round of chemo next week (tentatively, as long as anything else doesn't pop up and God, I hope it doesn't) I should be really excited and relieved, but like I said I don't think I will get there until I have been given a clean bill of health in Gainesville. I'm afraid to get too hopeful yet. So I'm waiting patiently and trying to trust the Lord with the next couple of months. And really praying that I get some time off from all the hospital visits, dr. visits, and get to enjoy my summer.
Other than that I seem to be doing pretty well. I'm tired, but that's to be expected. I am still having pain in the area of my amputation, but nothing like it was. Jarred is being a great help when I need him to be. I'm still not very independent, but I think that after the chemo it will come.
SO, that's the update from here. I'll keep you posted and let you know when I'll be heading to Gainesville as soon as I hear.
It's really had to believe that I was diagnosed over a year ago and that I have undergone a year of chemotherapy. The Lord has been so good though and has seen my needs through every bit of this. When people ask me what I see for my future I really can't see past these next few months and the outcome of them. It will determine where I go from here. I know that with me having my last round of chemo next week (tentatively, as long as anything else doesn't pop up and God, I hope it doesn't) I should be really excited and relieved, but like I said I don't think I will get there until I have been given a clean bill of health in Gainesville. I'm afraid to get too hopeful yet. So I'm waiting patiently and trying to trust the Lord with the next couple of months. And really praying that I get some time off from all the hospital visits, dr. visits, and get to enjoy my summer.
Other than that I seem to be doing pretty well. I'm tired, but that's to be expected. I am still having pain in the area of my amputation, but nothing like it was. Jarred is being a great help when I need him to be. I'm still not very independent, but I think that after the chemo it will come.
SO, that's the update from here. I'll keep you posted and let you know when I'll be heading to Gainesville as soon as I hear.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Homestretch is Supposed to Be a Happy Time, Right?
I had my Dr's appt this morning to discuss with Dr. Johnson the last three courses of my chemo. I knew going in that it is supposed to be three straight weeks of chemo. I didn't expect to go in until next week. And I didn't think about what three straight weeks of chemo meant. I just kept thinking, "ok, we're getting close to the end now, almost done!" I tried to prepare myself in case he wanted me to go in tomorrow or this week. I kept saying to myself, "be happy about this, you're almost done!" So when he said we can either admit you tomorrow or Thursday I don't know why the first thing out of my mouth was "I was thinking it wouldn't be until next week." I suppose I crave the normalcy of being at home. Of sleeping in my own bed. Or seeing my kid. Of getting to relax. I hate the hospital. I feel like I have spent more time in the hospital in the last year than out. I think I probably have. I don't know. I hate going to the hospital and being lonely. It sucks. That's all there is too it. I had psyched myself up to look at this "homestretch" as the Dr. calls it as a happy time. Imagine my surprise when I'm sitting in the Dr's office trying my best not to cry because I don't want to go to the hospital. This is supposed to be a happy time, right? I'm almost done. The Dr. told me that basically I will be admitted Thursday and discharged Tuesday then admitted the following Thursday (which gives me a day and a half at home) and discharged the following Tuesday and then finally admitted again the following Thursday and discharged the following Tuesday. Basically I am going to be in the hospital for the next three weeks. As long as my blood counts hold up then it will have to drag out even longer which I don't want. Have I mentioned that I hate being in the hospital. Alone. Bored. So yes, I know that I should be happy that I am in the homestretch, but walking out to the car all I could do was cry. And cry. And cry. I don't know why. I have so many different emotions waring inside of me. I should be feeling relief, but I am not feeling that quite yet. I am so ready for all of this to be over with. I am ready to go to Shands and get the clearance that everything is OK. Have the next lung surgery if they choose to do so and get on with my life. Go away for the summer. I just want to fast-forward my life right now. Really, really bad. I know that I'm at the end of my treatment Lord willing. But you see, I have been getting chemo for almost a year. That's a whole year of my life dedicated to just trying to stay above water. Staying at home. Staying away from sick people. Not really having much of a life. And to be honest it's been even longer of that if you count in the surgery before I was diagnosed and the months of suffering prior to that. I don't mean to whine and I don't want you to feel sorry for me I just have to vent. I'm tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I guess a big part of me is scared too. Scared to see whether or not this is really the end or if I'll have to start more treatments after this. I just want to hurry past the next three weeks to get to Shands and see if I'm cancer free. See if I'm going to live. See if I can have my life back for a while. I'm nervous, scared and anxious. What will it be like once I'm done with chemo and cleared? Will I still instinctively hold onto survival mode? How do I get out of it? Will I be OK to go home for the summer? Oh, so many questions and all the answers have to wait. I guess that is what the Lord means when He tells us to Trust in Him with all our hearts and lean not unto our own understanding or to Be still and know that He is God. He has all of this under control. He has it already worked out for me. But I still can't help but wonder HOW? Is more suffering in my future? Will I go on to have a happy, healthy, productive life after this? How does one transition from fighting cancer to living again. I suppose by taking it day by day. By forcing myself out of my comfort zones. By trying to get my independence back? Oh, so many questions so few answers.
So with a mindful and crying like a woman full of hormones I decided the best thing to do today was keep myself busy. Not go home. Not dwell. So I called my mom, had some retail therapy, lunch and a mani & pedi instead. I probably wouldn't have come home when I did if Jarred hadn't been coming home from school. It's nice outside. Really nice. Like summer almost. So I'm going to dig out my summer clothes tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to try to work up the energy to go to the beach and church. Then I'll come home and pack for the hospital and on Thursday I'll be admitted to start the course that will hopefully finish my fight in this battle. My plan today was to enjoy the two days that the Lord gave me before I go back in. To enjoy the time that I'm feeling OK enough to actually get out of the house. Because I know that once this triple round of chemo starts I'm going to be recuperating for quite some time.
So for those of you that were actually interested that was my basket case of a day ;)
Jill
So with a mindful and crying like a woman full of hormones I decided the best thing to do today was keep myself busy. Not go home. Not dwell. So I called my mom, had some retail therapy, lunch and a mani & pedi instead. I probably wouldn't have come home when I did if Jarred hadn't been coming home from school. It's nice outside. Really nice. Like summer almost. So I'm going to dig out my summer clothes tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to try to work up the energy to go to the beach and church. Then I'll come home and pack for the hospital and on Thursday I'll be admitted to start the course that will hopefully finish my fight in this battle. My plan today was to enjoy the two days that the Lord gave me before I go back in. To enjoy the time that I'm feeling OK enough to actually get out of the house. Because I know that once this triple round of chemo starts I'm going to be recuperating for quite some time.
So for those of you that were actually interested that was my basket case of a day ;)
Jill
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Ready for the Next Round
Well, it's been a while since you've heard from me and you may wonder what's going on and where I am at in my treatment. Unfortunately we haven't made much progress since my last post. I now have four rounds of chemo left. This next round has been postponed twice due to my blood counts or platelets being so low. Which in turn has resulted in me being basically exhausted all the time. Therefore, I haven't been up to very much. Mostly sticking around the house and trying to avoid the numerous germs that seem to be taking over the households of my friends and church family. The last thing I need of course is to be sick!
Amanda, my friend from Wisconsin that had been here since November, left this week. Her presence is deeply missed. She was a great companion/caretaker for me. I hated to see her leave. Unfortunately her grandfather passed away rather suddenly which is why she had to go home so early. So, If you would keep her and her grandmother and family in your prayers I know they would appreciate it. Amanda is also considering moving down this way and I know that she would appreciate your prayers for the Lord's guidance in that area of her life as well. For those of you that got to meet her while she was here you know what a sweet girl she is and she managed to work her way into our hearts rather quickly. So I would be happy to have her here, but only if that is what the Lord wants for her life.
Jarred is doing alright. We are still muddling through the fifth grade. This year has proved to be very challenging. We've had to do so much more studying at home than in years past. He's a trooper though and is handling the load to the best of his ability. He keeps me giggling when I'm home and I'm pleased to say that as of lately we've reached a whole new level of bonding. Which is really great considering that now he wants to talk to me about "stuff" and we've established that it's good for him to do this before he hits those crazy teenager years. My prayer is that our line of communication will always be open and he will be able to come to me with anything and that I can have the grace I'll need when he does come. I don't want to be one of those parents that are always flipping out on him, but I don't want him to think I'm his buddy either. I just want him to trust me enough to share his heart, whatever may be on it. He is a sweet and caring young man and I look forward to seeing the man that he will become. I know that if he allows, God will do some wonderful things with his life.
Other things that have been filling my days at home include watching movies (big surprise there!), reading (still LOVING my Kindle!), attempting to knit, drinking tea, and studying or goofing off with Jarred. I have a sweet friend, Lori over at Ellenay Designs who is willing to put up with my amateur knitting and start a knitting group with me. We may be small, but we are mighty! You should check out her website. She makes the most beautiful jewelry. All handmade and with a lot of vintage/antique pieces. She's got some great stuff on there for Valentines Day. Anyway, I'm looking forward to a visit from her today to do some knitting, cooking and tea drinking. A nice way to spend a cold, overcast day if I do say so myself. So I have a fun filled afternoon ahead of me. Oh, and I am FINALLY getting new flooring in my apartment. If you've been here you know what a great thing this is! As soon as I go into the hospital a friend from church will be ripping up the carpet and putting down wood laminate flooring. Ahhhhh, I can't wait. It will look so much nicer in here. Not to mention easier for me to get around without tripping over the stupid carpet!
Well that's about all the news from here. Let me know what's going on in your neck of the woods!
Amanda, my friend from Wisconsin that had been here since November, left this week. Her presence is deeply missed. She was a great companion/caretaker for me. I hated to see her leave. Unfortunately her grandfather passed away rather suddenly which is why she had to go home so early. So, If you would keep her and her grandmother and family in your prayers I know they would appreciate it. Amanda is also considering moving down this way and I know that she would appreciate your prayers for the Lord's guidance in that area of her life as well. For those of you that got to meet her while she was here you know what a sweet girl she is and she managed to work her way into our hearts rather quickly. So I would be happy to have her here, but only if that is what the Lord wants for her life.
Jarred is doing alright. We are still muddling through the fifth grade. This year has proved to be very challenging. We've had to do so much more studying at home than in years past. He's a trooper though and is handling the load to the best of his ability. He keeps me giggling when I'm home and I'm pleased to say that as of lately we've reached a whole new level of bonding. Which is really great considering that now he wants to talk to me about "stuff" and we've established that it's good for him to do this before he hits those crazy teenager years. My prayer is that our line of communication will always be open and he will be able to come to me with anything and that I can have the grace I'll need when he does come. I don't want to be one of those parents that are always flipping out on him, but I don't want him to think I'm his buddy either. I just want him to trust me enough to share his heart, whatever may be on it. He is a sweet and caring young man and I look forward to seeing the man that he will become. I know that if he allows, God will do some wonderful things with his life.
Other things that have been filling my days at home include watching movies (big surprise there!), reading (still LOVING my Kindle!), attempting to knit, drinking tea, and studying or goofing off with Jarred. I have a sweet friend, Lori over at Ellenay Designs who is willing to put up with my amateur knitting and start a knitting group with me. We may be small, but we are mighty! You should check out her website. She makes the most beautiful jewelry. All handmade and with a lot of vintage/antique pieces. She's got some great stuff on there for Valentines Day. Anyway, I'm looking forward to a visit from her today to do some knitting, cooking and tea drinking. A nice way to spend a cold, overcast day if I do say so myself. So I have a fun filled afternoon ahead of me. Oh, and I am FINALLY getting new flooring in my apartment. If you've been here you know what a great thing this is! As soon as I go into the hospital a friend from church will be ripping up the carpet and putting down wood laminate flooring. Ahhhhh, I can't wait. It will look so much nicer in here. Not to mention easier for me to get around without tripping over the stupid carpet!
Well that's about all the news from here. Let me know what's going on in your neck of the woods!
Monday, January 10, 2011
I Have Been Blessed
Truly an understatement to say the least. As we drove to revival tonight I was filled with anticipation and hope. I'm a weeper. You may want to say that I'm just tenderhearted, but I weep very easily. The smallest things touch my heart and the tears just flow. I blame my father for this. Bless his sweet soul. He is so tenderhearted too. A quality that I love and admire him for deeply. As we were listening to Conversations by Sarah Groves, who seems to be able to speak the words of my heart, on the way to church I was already bubbling over with tears. Thinking back to the trials of years past and how deeply her words touched me in the loss of my Great-Grandmother, who for all practical purposes was like a mother to me spurred me to think of how God has truly blessed me and carried me through every storm in my life. Even before I was saved He was protecting, guiding, and making a way for me to Him.
When I got to church I opened my bible. I have several and this particular one, although it is my favorite, I haven't used in a while because the print is so small. As I opened it though I found several things inside. Among these were one of my blog posts that my Mom printed out when she came down for my amputation. It was my "Thinking list on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtue and praise." As I read through it I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with just how good God is. This has been a hard year. The hardest of my life, but I can look back over at this list and ponder on these things and realize just how truly blessed that I am. I can know that this is just a little bump in the road to eternity. I stand in awe of just how good and faithful God has been to me in this difficult journey. I am also reminded that the biggest struggle that I face on a day-to-day basis is redirecting my thoughts. I need to keep my mind steadied on the Word. Let it permeate every bit of my heart and brain. Only then will I truly be a conqueror in this battle. I also found in my bible a note that one of my physical therapists had given me two days after my amputation that had one of her favorite bible verses on it James 1:2-4 "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." The Lord has consistently put people in my path at the hospitals that are believers and an encouragement. It's hard to wrap your mind around counting cancer, and amputation and the life altering changes that those things bring as joy. Instead of complaining about how difficult the trials that I have faced and continue to face are I need to view them as an opportunity for growth and search for what the Lord wants me to glean from this valley.
So, before the preaching even started at revival Jesus had jump-started my heart into it's own little revival right there in my pew. I was just overwhelmed. I don't really know how else to put it into words. Then the choir, which consisted of the kids, teens and some adults sang the song I Have Been Blessed. I wish that I could find a good video to share with you of this song. It hold very special meaning for me and for Jarred. As I listened to the sweet voices sing the words of that song I realized that in spite of everything that has happened to me physically and in spite of how the devil has tried his hardest to get me down that I have been blessed in every sense of the word. No, I don't lead a life of extravagance. I may be considering poor by the worlds standards, but I am so rich in love, blessings, fellowship and my Savior. And what peace that truth brings.
The message that Phil Kidd brought tonight was titled Getting To The Next Level with God. I hope to post the link to that message once it's up on our churches website. It's certainly worth listening to. The message was brought out of Mark 2:1-5 & 11, 12. Those people had a revival going on and it was well known that Jesus was there. God was in the house! These four men wanted to bring a man sick with the palsy to him for healing. They knew if they could just get there that Jesus could no doubt heal him. Once they arrived it was so packed there was no way that they could get inside, so they climbed the roof and lowered him into house where Jesus was. When Jesus saw the four men's faith "he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee." Mark 2:5. All those men needed to do was take it to the next level. I was so enthralled with the message that I didn't jot down the points, but the key was just stepping up your walk with the Lord. Taking it to that next level. And that is what I so desire for myself. I want to get there and I know it starts with me being more dedicated and more faithful. It starts with me having an open heart and listening to what the Lord is trying to teach me. I don't really know what my spiritual gifts are, but I want to find them and I want to spend the rest of my life using them to glorify God. Will you please pray with me in this way?
It's late, but I just had to get these thoughts out there. We still have four more days of revival left and I know that the Lord is just going to do some miraculous things this week. I'm so happy that it worked out for me to be able to attend and I'm looking forward to see how the Lord is going to work in my life and the lives of my friends and family. Please pray for our revival services this week. Pray that our church will get fired up and this revival will live on in out hearts long after this week is over, but that it will result in life changing decisions and actions on the behalf of our brethren.
God Bless you all and goodnight :)
When I got to church I opened my bible. I have several and this particular one, although it is my favorite, I haven't used in a while because the print is so small. As I opened it though I found several things inside. Among these were one of my blog posts that my Mom printed out when she came down for my amputation. It was my "Thinking list on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtue and praise." As I read through it I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with just how good God is. This has been a hard year. The hardest of my life, but I can look back over at this list and ponder on these things and realize just how truly blessed that I am. I can know that this is just a little bump in the road to eternity. I stand in awe of just how good and faithful God has been to me in this difficult journey. I am also reminded that the biggest struggle that I face on a day-to-day basis is redirecting my thoughts. I need to keep my mind steadied on the Word. Let it permeate every bit of my heart and brain. Only then will I truly be a conqueror in this battle. I also found in my bible a note that one of my physical therapists had given me two days after my amputation that had one of her favorite bible verses on it James 1:2-4 "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." The Lord has consistently put people in my path at the hospitals that are believers and an encouragement. It's hard to wrap your mind around counting cancer, and amputation and the life altering changes that those things bring as joy. Instead of complaining about how difficult the trials that I have faced and continue to face are I need to view them as an opportunity for growth and search for what the Lord wants me to glean from this valley.
So, before the preaching even started at revival Jesus had jump-started my heart into it's own little revival right there in my pew. I was just overwhelmed. I don't really know how else to put it into words. Then the choir, which consisted of the kids, teens and some adults sang the song I Have Been Blessed. I wish that I could find a good video to share with you of this song. It hold very special meaning for me and for Jarred. As I listened to the sweet voices sing the words of that song I realized that in spite of everything that has happened to me physically and in spite of how the devil has tried his hardest to get me down that I have been blessed in every sense of the word. No, I don't lead a life of extravagance. I may be considering poor by the worlds standards, but I am so rich in love, blessings, fellowship and my Savior. And what peace that truth brings.
The message that Phil Kidd brought tonight was titled Getting To The Next Level with God. I hope to post the link to that message once it's up on our churches website. It's certainly worth listening to. The message was brought out of Mark 2:1-5 & 11, 12. Those people had a revival going on and it was well known that Jesus was there. God was in the house! These four men wanted to bring a man sick with the palsy to him for healing. They knew if they could just get there that Jesus could no doubt heal him. Once they arrived it was so packed there was no way that they could get inside, so they climbed the roof and lowered him into house where Jesus was. When Jesus saw the four men's faith "he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee." Mark 2:5. All those men needed to do was take it to the next level. I was so enthralled with the message that I didn't jot down the points, but the key was just stepping up your walk with the Lord. Taking it to that next level. And that is what I so desire for myself. I want to get there and I know it starts with me being more dedicated and more faithful. It starts with me having an open heart and listening to what the Lord is trying to teach me. I don't really know what my spiritual gifts are, but I want to find them and I want to spend the rest of my life using them to glorify God. Will you please pray with me in this way?
It's late, but I just had to get these thoughts out there. We still have four more days of revival left and I know that the Lord is just going to do some miraculous things this week. I'm so happy that it worked out for me to be able to attend and I'm looking forward to see how the Lord is going to work in my life and the lives of my friends and family. Please pray for our revival services this week. Pray that our church will get fired up and this revival will live on in out hearts long after this week is over, but that it will result in life changing decisions and actions on the behalf of our brethren.
God Bless you all and goodnight :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
What's Going on In My New Year?
Well nothing much actually. It was a blessing to be released from the hospital on Christmas Eve. We accomplished an insane amount of things before heading home and were then able to enjoy an idyllic Christmas Eve.We had a wonderful Christmas here at home. Got up early and did the present thing then I went off to take a nap before going to our sweet friends home for Christmas dinner. It's so lovely to spend the Holidays with family, friends, and those you love. I felt so blessed just to be there, you know. To be here. To be. This time isn't promised to us by any means. That is the one lesson that I have learned in 2010. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Lesson learned. Check.
As I've read about peoples New Years resolutions, goals, etc. I don't even know where to begin or what to think. 2010, for me, was about survival. I'm still in survival mode and will be until I have completed my course of treatments. I still have five more chemo rounds. I will be admitted for the next round on Jan 18th, then the following week I will have another round. Then a three week break and the last three rounds will be back to back. Once finished with chemo I will have a follow-up with the Dr's in Gainsville to see where I am at. Scans and the whole bit. I also need to have that other nodule removed from my left lung. So at this point in time I am assuming that I will be finished by sometime in March. It's been a long, difficult year. It's gone by fast though and the light at the end of the tunnel is looking brighter every day.
These days my thoughts aren't so filled with things such as "will I make it through this journey? Will I live?" They are replaced with thoughts such as "When this treatment is over with what will I do? How do I make the transition back to self sufficiency? Where do I go from here?" All big questions. Where does the Lord want to lead me? What would He have me do with my life. All things for me to ponder and explore over these next few months. I do know what I want in some areas. Big breath. Exhale. I do have some...... goals! Mine are kind of broken up into time frames and some require working up to. I hope to be getting my prosthetic leg in the next few months and I know that will require lots of physical therapy. I'm thinking that if I can learn to use that properly that it will make me feel so much more independent.
Ok, this is where I have to digress for a bit. Dependency. I have never been a person that is heavily dependent on others. I've always been very independent. Even since childhood. This last year I've had all of my independence taken from me. Cooking my own meals, cleaning my house, shopping, etc. are all things I've had to depend on others for. Now there are and have been those rare occasions that I've been able to do a little myself here and there, but for the most part I've depended on my church family and friends. I've had constant companions in Carrie, Callie, and Amanda. The Lord has provided so gracefully in those areas. I just don't know how we would have gotten by without all the help the Lord has given me in the way of people with hearts to serve. But I know that the time is coming near when I will need to start regaining my independence. So I would like to slowly dive back into doing things for myself. Right now it takes a great deal of effort and wears me out completely, but I do still see little things I can do and need to force myself to do those things. I'd very much like to get my house reorganized while I have Amanda here to help. That's big on my list!
Anyway, sorry for the rant! I would also like to start driving again. I pretty much stopped driving last March. I've been a bit - ok, more than a bit - reluctant about driving. Which if you know me - and my independent streak - this is very unusual. That's an area I definitely need to push myself in. I would also like to take a trip to Wisconsin for the Summer. In my mind this is such a huge and daunting task. Traveling on the plane with the wheelchair and needing the walker too. Getting to the gates. It seems a bit scary to me. I know that they offer handicapped assistance, but I am still nervous about the trip itself. On the other hand I've never been to Wisconsin in the Summer and think that it would be such a lovely time to get away and be with my family there. I hope to also start taking a few classes in the fall towards my BAS degree. I've had to take time off since I've been sick and now that I have the disability coming in, I think it will be the perfect time to jump back into school and finish up my degree quickly.
I just know that I don't want to take life for granted anymore and enjoy it as much as possible. After all that I've been through I've realized that you have to make the most of the time you do have. I don't want to spend my time wishing I had done more. I'd like to take more trips. Visit the places Jarred and I have talked about going. I'd like to get in my head that these limitations I have are not really limitations but a blessing that has caused me to slow down and evaluate what's really important. They've caused me to not just be "busy" for the point of doing something, but to choose my time and activities wisely. Or they will, I should say, when I get past the ill effects of chemo.
Most importantly I need to be a more dedicated Christian. I need to read my bible more, pray more and I need to walk the walk. Or in my case hop the hop, lol :)
So, as this first week to 2011 comes to a close I haven't really done anything. I've been feeling ill and resting as much as possible. I thank God that he allows me the time to rest. To rejuvenate. And you know what? I don't feel guilty that most of the past week has either been spent on my couch or in my bed. So there.
We have revival coming up next week at church and I had prayed and hoped that I would be able to make it. Let's face it, we all need some reviving, right? Well I know that I am in desperate need of revival and can't wait. I'm praying that I'll feel well and be able to go every night. Also praying that some of my family will come too. That would make me so happy. If you are in this area and would like to come please let me know. I would love to have you as my guest. I'm really looking forward to seeing what the Lord will do in our church. How we will get stirred up and what convictions the Lord will raise in our hearts. I pray that this year Jarred will have an open heart and ears to hear what the Lord has to say to him.
Since I hadn't updated in a while I thought some of you might like to know what's going on with my treatment and in my life. Lets add update blog more frequently to that goal list :) Sometimes I don't feel like I have much interesting to say or that I'm being redundant.
Well, I'll work on that too.
Until later.........
As I've read about peoples New Years resolutions, goals, etc. I don't even know where to begin or what to think. 2010, for me, was about survival. I'm still in survival mode and will be until I have completed my course of treatments. I still have five more chemo rounds. I will be admitted for the next round on Jan 18th, then the following week I will have another round. Then a three week break and the last three rounds will be back to back. Once finished with chemo I will have a follow-up with the Dr's in Gainsville to see where I am at. Scans and the whole bit. I also need to have that other nodule removed from my left lung. So at this point in time I am assuming that I will be finished by sometime in March. It's been a long, difficult year. It's gone by fast though and the light at the end of the tunnel is looking brighter every day.
These days my thoughts aren't so filled with things such as "will I make it through this journey? Will I live?" They are replaced with thoughts such as "When this treatment is over with what will I do? How do I make the transition back to self sufficiency? Where do I go from here?" All big questions. Where does the Lord want to lead me? What would He have me do with my life. All things for me to ponder and explore over these next few months. I do know what I want in some areas. Big breath. Exhale. I do have some...... goals! Mine are kind of broken up into time frames and some require working up to. I hope to be getting my prosthetic leg in the next few months and I know that will require lots of physical therapy. I'm thinking that if I can learn to use that properly that it will make me feel so much more independent.
Ok, this is where I have to digress for a bit. Dependency. I have never been a person that is heavily dependent on others. I've always been very independent. Even since childhood. This last year I've had all of my independence taken from me. Cooking my own meals, cleaning my house, shopping, etc. are all things I've had to depend on others for. Now there are and have been those rare occasions that I've been able to do a little myself here and there, but for the most part I've depended on my church family and friends. I've had constant companions in Carrie, Callie, and Amanda. The Lord has provided so gracefully in those areas. I just don't know how we would have gotten by without all the help the Lord has given me in the way of people with hearts to serve. But I know that the time is coming near when I will need to start regaining my independence. So I would like to slowly dive back into doing things for myself. Right now it takes a great deal of effort and wears me out completely, but I do still see little things I can do and need to force myself to do those things. I'd very much like to get my house reorganized while I have Amanda here to help. That's big on my list!
Anyway, sorry for the rant! I would also like to start driving again. I pretty much stopped driving last March. I've been a bit - ok, more than a bit - reluctant about driving. Which if you know me - and my independent streak - this is very unusual. That's an area I definitely need to push myself in. I would also like to take a trip to Wisconsin for the Summer. In my mind this is such a huge and daunting task. Traveling on the plane with the wheelchair and needing the walker too. Getting to the gates. It seems a bit scary to me. I know that they offer handicapped assistance, but I am still nervous about the trip itself. On the other hand I've never been to Wisconsin in the Summer and think that it would be such a lovely time to get away and be with my family there. I hope to also start taking a few classes in the fall towards my BAS degree. I've had to take time off since I've been sick and now that I have the disability coming in, I think it will be the perfect time to jump back into school and finish up my degree quickly.
I just know that I don't want to take life for granted anymore and enjoy it as much as possible. After all that I've been through I've realized that you have to make the most of the time you do have. I don't want to spend my time wishing I had done more. I'd like to take more trips. Visit the places Jarred and I have talked about going. I'd like to get in my head that these limitations I have are not really limitations but a blessing that has caused me to slow down and evaluate what's really important. They've caused me to not just be "busy" for the point of doing something, but to choose my time and activities wisely. Or they will, I should say, when I get past the ill effects of chemo.
Most importantly I need to be a more dedicated Christian. I need to read my bible more, pray more and I need to walk the walk. Or in my case hop the hop, lol :)
So, as this first week to 2011 comes to a close I haven't really done anything. I've been feeling ill and resting as much as possible. I thank God that he allows me the time to rest. To rejuvenate. And you know what? I don't feel guilty that most of the past week has either been spent on my couch or in my bed. So there.
We have revival coming up next week at church and I had prayed and hoped that I would be able to make it. Let's face it, we all need some reviving, right? Well I know that I am in desperate need of revival and can't wait. I'm praying that I'll feel well and be able to go every night. Also praying that some of my family will come too. That would make me so happy. If you are in this area and would like to come please let me know. I would love to have you as my guest. I'm really looking forward to seeing what the Lord will do in our church. How we will get stirred up and what convictions the Lord will raise in our hearts. I pray that this year Jarred will have an open heart and ears to hear what the Lord has to say to him.
Since I hadn't updated in a while I thought some of you might like to know what's going on with my treatment and in my life. Lets add update blog more frequently to that goal list :) Sometimes I don't feel like I have much interesting to say or that I'm being redundant.
Well, I'll work on that too.
Until later.........
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