Back on Track

Here I am sitting in the hospital in Gainsville again about to receive the next round of chemo. I've been saying to myself over the past several weeks that I need to blog, lol. I spent the last two weeks at home truly enjoying being in my own surroundings, with my son, friends and my sister. It was so nice to have a long break at home and be feeling great most of the time too. I haven't had chemo since early June, so my blood counts were all up and I've been feeling more like myself. My sister came to visit for almost a week and we had such a wonderful time together. I just love getting to spend one-on-one time with my sisters. Now if I could only get Stephanie down here for a visit. With my sister as my own personal chauffeur I was able to get A LOT accomplished. We got all of Jarred's school shopping done. With the exception of picking up a backpack (it's hard to find something sturdy enough for my rough guy) and picking up the shirts that are having the school logo sewn on. I'll get to those things next week when I get home hopefully. I'm hoping to get the OK to drive soon. I think that physically I won't have a problem. The only thing that might keep me from getting the go ahead is that I'm still taking pain meds. We'll see. If not I know plenty of people who are willing to help. The Lord has been so good in the area of providing people to help in so many ways.

I have to tell you that I received a call from the genetic counselor that I have been working with here at Shands and we were talking about what has been going on with me. She was not aware of the amputation, so I told her about that and that I was in the recovery process. She said to me "you must be absolutely devastated!" I've mulled that over in my head so many times since then and have praised the Lord for His grace through all this. I thought to myself I am so far from being devastated and what a blessing that it. Going through an amputation isn't an easy thing, it's a big adjustment, but with God it is possible to get through it without ever feeling an ounce of devastation. I know that many people are praying for me and I just want to thank you and encourage you by letting you know that your prayers are being answered in a mighty way in my life. I am so thankful for every prayer that is sent up for me. I don't know everyone that is praying, but I ask God to heap immeasurable blessings on each of your lives.

I have been working on trying to get my chemo closer to home for a while now. The decision to do so will be made by the doctors in the next few days. I am praying that it works out for me to have my treatments at Sacred Heart on the Emerald Coast. That's only about 30 minutes away from home. It would alleviate so many burdens for my family right now. I really, really hope that it works out that way. If so then I will still come back to Shands to have scans every three months and I will come back to have the surgery to remove the spots on my lungs as long as they don't multiply and reduce in size from the chemo. The oncologist at SH is so wonderful. He has a really good bedside manner and is very thorough. I like the hospital there and have always had a good stay there. That's another thing you can pray with me about. As soon as I have news I'll be posting about it!

That's the update for now.

:)

A Lazy Sunday

I'm here sitting on my couch this Sunday. I woke up this morning with a lot of pain in my hip and feeling like I could just barely move around, so went back to bed for several hours. I sure missed being in the Lord's house today. I miss my fellowship with the wonderful body of believers at the best church in the world!! Now I'm just taking it easy and relaxing on this lazy Sunday.

I'm back at home for two weeks. I can't express how happy I am to be home for a little while. I went to Gainsville Tuesday and spent the night in a hotel and got up the next morning to head off to the orthopedic Dr. hoping to get the OK to start chemo. I had my doubts and fears as to what the Dr. would say because my incision was still draining quite a bit. It just made me so nervous. Well, the Dr. said I needed to be on antibiotics for another few weeks before I could start chemo. The incision just had not healed well enough yet and he didn't want to take any chances. So now I'm taking a different antibiotic four times a day and have been sent home to heal. I had mixed emotions about that at first. A bit of uneasiness and what not, but the more I thought on it I realized that the Lord had worked things out just perfectly for me. I had prayed that I would be home and not sick when my sister Rachel came to visit. Now I'll be home and no chemo, so there is no worry of my being sick. This next round of chemo will be a type that I've not had before so I'm not really sure what to expect as far as side effects are concerned. I'm hoping and praying that it doesn't make me sick like the doxorubicion (sp?).

It's interesting to see how the Lord works things out for us. It's certainly never the way that we would prefer it done. Not the easy way for sure, but He works things out in a way that shows us to lean on him and trust him more. In His perfect way that causes us to be even more thankful and grateful. Things that comes easy are never appreciated fully.

Well I'm continuing this on Monday. My cousin left yesterday and my Aunt came over to stay with me for a few days. I'll be on my own Wednesday night through Friday night when my sister comes. I'm pretty sure I'll be OK on my own though. As long as there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge and I have Jarred to help me :) I'll be picking up my sister Friday night from music camp at PCC and she will be staying with me for several days. I'm so looking forward to that.

I'm being summoned to go clean my room, or at least direct while Aunt Bev is my legs. I have more to say, but I will write more later.

No Chemo This Week.....

We got into Gainsville at a decent hour last night. I went to bed after being here for a couple of hours. We stayed in the Extended Stay America which I have stayed in the last three or four times I've been here because the American Cancer Society chips in a little towards the room for one night. Last night in my room I saw three roaches. Talk about a roach motel. They were small, but they were there nonetheless. To think, people stay in those because they have those little kitchenettes. To top it off they don't offer free WiFi. I'm completely digressing from the purpose of my post though. Anyway, this morning I went to see my orthopedic Dr., Dr. Gibbs, to have the stitches taken out and make sure my incision was healing properly. There has been that one three inch area that I have been concerned about, so I was curious to see what he would have to say about it. Well.... everything but that area looks great and has healed perfectly well. At first glance he was concerned that I might have an infection in that area, but after taking a few stitches out there and pressing down around it he decided that there is a lot of fluid trapped underneath there which is also why the area is red and irritated.

So.... I have to go into the OR tomorrow for a small procedure to have that area cut back open and cleaned out. They'll put me out, remove all the stitches then cut that small area back open and clean and wash out the area really well and also make sure it isn't infected. Please lets pray that there is NO infection. All of that taken into consideration, the Dr. felt like I had not healed well enough to start chemo today. We (Bro. JP & Charlotte brought me down here) are staying in the Red Roof Inn tonight. Where there are no roaches, it's $10 cheaper than Extended Stay, and have free WiFi :) The procedure that I am having is outpatient, so as long as all goes well we will head back to Niceville tomorrow. I'm praying for a smooth procedure and smooth ride home.

I will have to be back in Gainsville on the 14th to see Dr. Gibbs again and again hopefully obtain his OK for chemo. I don't know if I had previously mentioned that my sister Rachel is coming down at the end of July or not. If so, sorry, I'll be repeating myself. My hope is that my chemo schedule will not interfere with her being here so that I can be at home with her the week that she plans on visiting me. She hasn't come to visit me for the summer for over two years now. We are both really looking forward to it. Pushing chemo back a week like this will give me a two week break before I have to be back which means I'll be home for her visit. So maybe God is just trying to work out everything for me before hand. I told the oncologist that I am just not going to be able to come to Gainsville during that time frame. I said it's just not possible. They will have to work around it and I will pray that there are no ill effects for me health-wise.

So no chemo for me this week. I'll head back home tomorrow as long as everything goes well and I'm sure it will. That will give me a couple of days with Jarred which will be nice. I'll end up going to stay with my grandparents in Panama City on Sunday and we'll just leave from there for Gainsville next Tuesday. Then I'll re-do today all over again on the 14th. Please be in prayer that the Lord works it out according to His will, that the procedure goes well tomorrow, and that we have safe travels.

Thanks :)

I Have Been Blessed

I've been home for a week now. Everyday I've seemed to get a little better and better. I had a few days where I over exerted myself a bit. I just want some of my independence back and have tried to do too much. I end up paying for it and am just in pain at the end of the day. So I've learned to just take it easy right now and only do a tiny bit as I can. I had a scare when my incision started having some discharge. My discharge papers from the hospital said that if it had that to call the doctor. So I really worried about it until I heard from the doctor that it was OK and there was no worry of infection. I've been taking an antibiotic four times a day, so hopefully that has warded anything nasty off. I guess that I've forgotten that I had a major surgery and it's only been a little over two weeks. I'm so ready to do things for myself, but it's going to be a long road to recovery.

I was so blessed to go to church Sunday morning. The kids were picked up for Sunday school and Carrie and I planned on going to the main service as it's hard for me to sit upright for any length of time. I miss being in church so much. Anyway, we were late getting out of the house because we were trying to get my wheelchair folded up and into the car. We were just running late in general I guess. When we got to the church I decided to use my walker to walk into the church and sit in one of the comfy rockers that they usually pull out of the nursing room for me. Brother JP always gets one for me and puts it next to my pew so I can be comfortable during the service (I think that is so sweet and kind). As I walked into the church towards my pew the congregation was singing the hymn Victory In Jesus (which is one of my favorite hymns from childhood, it's always touched my soul). As I hobbled down the aisle with my walker and one leg they sang the line "I heard about his healing, of his cleansing pow'r revealing how he made the lame to walk again and caused the blind to see, and then I cried
dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit and somehow Jesus came and brought to me the victory." The tears just fell down my face as soon as I came in and heard them singing that. My heart is just always so tender in church and I'm always so moved by the hymns and can feel the Spirit so strongly. Pastor immediately saw me coming down the aisle and when the congregation finished the song he said something to me about walking in during that exact moment and how it couldn't have been by accident then had the congregation sing just that line over again. It was such a special moment. It was so encouraging to be reminded of the Lord's healing and cleansing power. I may have lost my leg and be facing a huge battle, but I also serve a very big God that can do anything He wants. He can, and I choose to believe that He will cure me of this disease. Needless to say before the preaching even got started, at the beginning of the service I was beyond moved and in tears. I was overwhelmed with the Spirit and the Lord's presence.

Our junior kids just went to church camp this past week where they sang a song called I Have Been Blessed. After we sang hymns in church Pastor wanted the kids to come up and sing that song. Jarred was happy and chipper and jumped out of his seat to join the rest of the kids and sing right along with them. About the second verse I noticed that He was crying (which if you know Jarred is very unlike him. He's Mr. Don't show emotions or cry in front of people). He was practically bawling through the whole song and kept wiping his eyes and face and was staring at me to regain strength and reassurance. Carrie's kids Brayden and Lexi were in tears by that time too. I didn't know what set them off. All the kids came back to their seats and Jarred just sat on my lap and held onto me for dear life and sobbed. His little heart was so tender and just wide open. Later he told me that what made him sad and start crying was a line in the song that said "Arms that can will raise, a voice that can talk, hands that can touch, and legs that can walk." He said that when he sang the part about legs that can walk he just thought of me and I think it finally hit him and his emotions just boiled over. It was one of the sweetest most tenderest moments we have ever had as mother and son. Since then our time together during this trip has been so sweet. We have really bonded and spent good quality time together. After the song Lexi, Carrie's daughter, came to her and told her that she needed to be saved, so Carrie told her she needed to go to the alter and got someone with her to lead her to the Lord. This all happened BEFORE the preaching even started. The Holy Spirit was just so alive and present during the service that it was overwhelming. We came away feeling renewed, refreshed, thankful, and humble. What a morning it was. After church Carrie headed to Pensacola to spend the day with her family and Jarred and I stayed at home. I think it was the first time in a long time that it was just the two of us and we just got to hang out for a long time. It was almost like old times. He said several times how nice it was. That meant a lot to me and reminded me how much I have been blessed.

Carrie's husband and two older boys should be on a flight (hop) right now from Spain to the states. They haven't seen the rest of the family since March, so it will be a happy reunion. They will spend most of their time in Alabama and be here for three weeks. They will be leaving to go back to Spain towards the end of July. Please keep her husband and boys in your prayers as they travel here and the whole family in your prayers as they are on vacation and prepare to go back to Spain and be separated from their family and friends again. Carrie has been such a blessing to me while she has been here to help care for me during some of the hardest parts of my treatment. I would have never thought that God would move her all the way from Spain to come be with me. That just testifies to what an amazing God that we have. Now with all these changes I have of course been a little nervous and wondering who He will provide to help me and care for me when I need it now. I'm still not at the point where I can be completely alone and still need a lot of help while I adjust to this new life. I'm still going through chemo that will make me useless and very sick some days. Please be in prayer with me that God will provide in the area of caregivers for me.

I head back to Gainsville tomorrow. I have an appointment with the orthopedic Dr. on Wednesday at 10:15 to get my stitches out (which by the way there are 50 on top and three more internal layers of stitches which means I have a total of about 200 stitches!) As long as I am healing well and he gives me the go ahead for chemo I will be admitted to the hospital the same day around noon for the next round. This will be a different chemo than I've had before. It also requires a seven day stay in the hospital. I don't really know what to expect in the way of side effects or if it will make me really sick. Of course I hope not. After I get out of the hospital I will be going to Panama City to stay with my grandparents for a little while. I'm not really sure how long. They will also arrange for Jarred to be brought over there. I don't have a schedule for chemo in July yet, but I am sure I will get one while I am there. My sister Rachel is coming down to go to music camp at PCC in about a week and is staying an extra week after to spend with me. I'm planning on telling the Dr's that I absolutely have to be home for that week. Please pray that it works out that way and that I'm not so sick from chemo that I can't enjoy her visit. She hasn't been down for the summer in a couple of years and I would really like to make it a special time.

That's about all the news and updates from here for now. I will keep you updated as I can in the hospital and once I get to Panama City.

Blindness

This is a video that I saw a while back and it is so powerful that I just want to share it again. I've shared it many times on Facebook, but I don't think I've ever shared it on here. This video breaks me down every time I watch it! It is the exact description of what it is like to live life without the Lord & without being saved and what it is like once you are saved and living for the Lord.

Click HERE

You don't have to buy the video, just make it full size and turn up your speakers. Let me know what you think :)

Being Real

I've been home since Monday afternoon. It is so nice to be in my own home!!! I'm enjoying the peace and quiet and the solitude of being at home. I'm learning how to get around better in my own surroundings and becoming better acclimated with my new life. It's not easy. I have to be honest that sometimes getting used to this one legged thing is just down right hard. I miss my leg. I have phantom sensations and pain and sometimes think it itches. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't have a leg therefore it can't be itching.

Cancer truly is a battle. I see why people say that now. It's all consuming. I have my good days (like today) and I have my bad days - when it takes all I have just to get through the hours. I feel more like I am in survival mode than actually living my life. I grieve the fact that I can't take care of my son and have to leave him for extended periods of time. I'm so thankful for the Rawles' who take care of him wonderfully in my absence. They've given him a haven of rest, a place without worry. I'm thankful for all that everyone does for me. I can never thank God enough for surrounding me with so many people that love me. I feel so undeserving of it all.

With all my many blessings though I still struggle and miss my old life. It reminds me of a Sara Groves song called "Painting Picture of Egypt." The chorus says "I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked, the future feels so hard and I wanna go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned. And those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned." You can listen to the whole song here.

I know God's giving me the grace I need to get through this rough time and I know that He is giving me strength that I don't even see. However, sometimes I just have to allow myself to cry and mourn my life that was lost and the uncertainties of my future.

Anyway, this is what was on my heart tonight. I'm praying daily for the Lord to increase my faith and help me to trust Him more.

<3 me

Surgery went well!

Hello friends. I don't have a lot of news to share with you today, but thought you'd like a quick post on how I'm doing. Dr. Gibbs (my ortho surgeon) said that the surgery went perfectly. Way better than even he anticipated. He also said the tumor was as big as my head only in an oblong shape, so taking my leg was ABSOLUTELY the best thing to do for me. We have a real fighting chance at curing me now :) I know that all of YOUR prayers are why things went so smoothly.

I have been doing well emotionally. I've only had one "moment," but it didn't last long. I am having phantom sensations and pain which is very strange. I'll go to move and although I feel very "light" I feel shooting sensations down where my leg used to be and into my toes. This is normal and will most likely last for several months if not forever. All in all I feel good. I'm very tired and have hardly been able to keep my eyes open (I've dozed off several times while typing this!)

PT has been coming in every day since the surgery and working with me. Each day they push me to do a little more. The first day they got me to sit up on the side of the bed and practice some balancing exercises. Today they got me to sit up on the side of the bed, stand and take a few steps forward and backward using a walker. I didn't think any of this would be possible after surgery, but PT really pushes you to get moving quickly. They say the sooner the better as far as recovery time is considered. How awesome would it be if I could maneuver well enough to be OK when the discharge me? They say the hospital stay is only 5-7 days which doesn't seem like long enough to me for this major surgery, but they know best :/ Since I'm doing so well I wouldn't be surprised if they kicked me out after 5 days! At least then I would get to spend some more time with my mom at home.

Well, the nurses are getting onto me because i took off my pulse-ox thingy from my finger to I could type faster. They're saying I need to get it back on.

I'll type more later when the pulse-ox nazi's aren't after me :) I love you all and thank you again for your prayers. Keep them coming because I know this big adjustment is going to be hard.