Glorying in my Infirmity

Today I am at peace. It's a surprising peace. Not surprising because I doubt the Lord can give it. Surprising because I just didn't expect to be at such peace the day before I have this major surgery. I thought that I would be a little nervous, or very anxious, but no. I have a peace down in the depths of my soul that can only come from Jesus. I know that this is all going to sound so strange, it's just another testimony to how gracious the Lord is towards his saints. I don't know if you remember my post about the day I lost my hair, if not you can read it here. That day I experienced grace from the Lord that I never knew, I felt an almost oneness with Him and a closeness to Him that is not something that happens often. It was almost like He had His hand on my shoulder and was sitting, standing, and walking right beside me all day long. The scariest part of my day was looking at my reflection in the mirror. Not because of pride or vanity, but my reflection would represent the very face of cancer. It made me look at my cancer in the face quite literally. When I did look in the mirror though I felt the Lord say "I will never leave you nor forsake you, I'm right here sweet child and you are still beautiful." What could have been one of the hardest days of my life was transformed into something beautiful and a sweet memory. Because of that grace, the grace that He speaks of in 2 Corinthians 12:9 ("And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.") I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to feeling that closeness with the Lord. Tomorrow will undoubtedly be the hardest day I have ever faced, but I am expecting it to also be a day when I will be closer to the Lord than ever before.

This surgery will make me permanently handicapped. I say though life, bring what you may. I feel victory in the air so thick that I know good things await me on the other side of this challenge. I have decided that this handicap will not limit me. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I choose life instead. That my friends, is the whole purpose of this surgery that I have decided is necessary. Life. My life. Life and a future with my loved ones. With you.

I spoke of victory in the air, I don't know what it is. I just have an overwhelming sense that victory lays ahead. Maybe victory against this cancer, being cured. Maybe victories in souls being saved. Possibly victory over my flesh and fear. Definitely that. Hopefully the leading into a ministry. I don't know what the Lord has ahead for me. I don't know any of the answers to an uncertain future. I do know though that I am saved by the precious blood of Jesus and that He is waiting to spend an eternity with me. Praise the Lord for that. I also know that I trust Him more today than ever before. Each day I pray that trust will grow and grow. So friends, I am glorying in this infirmity and praising my sweet Jesus for allowing it. No matter His reasons. I know that His power, strength, and peace are all flowing over and through me. As I type this tears are rolling down my cheeks because I am so overwhelmed with the goodness of God. I'm so overwhelmed that in the face of this awful surgery I can still smile and know that I will be OK.

OK, so you probably want all the details from the appointment too. I took really good notes this time and have a lot of facts to share. Regarding yesterday's PET scan it still showed the tumor to be active and quite large. We already knew it was pretty big which is why amputation is absolutely necessary. Good news is that there is NO CANCER ANYWHERE ELSE in my body (other than the two spots on my lungs which we already knew about) :) That's great news!!! I did have a "moment" in the Dr's office today when I had to sign the consent forms. I felt like I was signing away my leg. I know that sounds silly, but that was one of the only "moments" I had today, thankfully. Along with amputating my leg (and I did forget to write down the technical term for this) they will be removing my hip socket and cutting my pelvis to the left and right of that. They will remove the entire area. It's pretty major surgery obviously. I will have to spend a night or two in ICU before being transferred to the regular floor (that's the sixth floor for those of you who have been to Shands). They will be giving me a nerve block or epidural. There will be a lot of pain, but hopefully not as bad as when I had the second break. I'm likely to have phantom pain and sensations. There is a medicine they can give me to help with this and hopefully over time the phantom pains/sensations will either decrease or I will adjust to them. It will take about 2-4 weeks for the wound to heal. Once the wound has healed I will start chemo again. A rigorous course of chemo will be needed after for about another seven months. This is to work on those spots on my lungs and to treat any "roaming" cancer cells. Healing time will be about 6-8 weeks. I have pictures of the area and the tumor and it is huge. In order to have a shot at curing me amputation is the ONLY option. Surgery is scheduled for 11:30 EST. So for those of you at home that will be 10:30 central time. The surgery will last about 4-6 hours. Aside from praying for the Dr's, the surgery's success, and for it to go smoothly, please pray that I can go straight to an ICU room and skip the recovery room. Being in the recovery room is a very emotional thing for me because that is where I first found out I had cancer and I would be all alone in there. I want to wake up to see the faces of people that love me. I want to be surrounded by people that will pray with me. I'm gonna need that support very much tomorrow.

Ok, I think that's all for now. Thank you again for your prayers and thoughts. I appreciate every single one of them.

The Verdict

Well, this is a hard post to write. An even harder reality to live and face head on. I spoke with my orthopedic Dr. today. He feels that my best chances of cure are going to result in amputating my leg. He reviewed all the scans and also got a second opinion from another surgeon. It's a pretty major surgery. They'll have to remove my entire hip socket because the tumor is so high up. He said I'll only be in the hospital 5-7 days after surgery which was a surprise to me. I would think I'd have to be in a lot longer than that. He also said that if needed I can do rehab close to home. I think I'll really want to be home afterward even though coming home will mean facing the reality of being handicap and learning to live life all over again.

I have peace about the surgery. I'm still scared of what afterward will bring. This is such a huge cost. But it's my life that we're gambling with and I suppose there is no cost too high to try and cure me of this horrible cancer. I never saw my life working out like this. It's so amazing what you take for granted. I don't know what the future holds. I know that this is going to be hard. I don't like it. I don't want to loose my leg. But I do want so badly to live. I want to raise my son and enjoy the sweet fellowship with him that I have with my parents now.

I'm still heading back to Shands tomorrow and will be getting a PET scan done. The results of that aren't going to change the surgery though. Unless of course the Lord miraculously heals me between now and then. I'd love to hope for that, but I feel like He wouldn't have given me the peace He has about the surgery if those were His plans. Although I don't know the mind of God. I can't even begin to understand why He is allowing this to happen to me. It breaks my heart. I know though, that God is good even in the valley's. I see that through the grace that He bestows on me daily. I know that He will get me through this as well. I know that when the time comes His grace will come down so mighty and so powerful that there will be no questions as to where my strength comes from.

Please, please be in prayer for me this week. Tomorrow I have the PET scan, Wednesday I will meet with the surgeon and the anesthesiologist, and Thursday I will have surgery. Please pray for the surgeons and that the Lord will guide their hands and give them wisdom that they didn't learn in medical school. Please pray that I get through the surgery OK and that I don't go into shock or anything after the fact. A lot of my fear is in my reaction to myself after they take my leg. So please, please pray.

I don't know when I'll get to post again, but will try to keep you all updated. In the meantime thank you for your prayers, your concern, and your thoughts.

<3 jill

Waiting on the Lord

I had hoped today would bring answers and result in decisions being made. Apparently God has another idea in store. My Orthopedic Oncologist went out of town last night and was to call me today to discuss with me surgical options. Instead my pediatric oncologist and her Nurse Practitioner showed up to discuss the MRI findings with me. Apparently they were quite confusing. It doesn't appear that the tumor has shrunk at all. Although it doesn't seem as if it has shrunk it could quite possible be calcified and dead from all the chemo. It could also have swollen scar tissue around it that was damaged from the first surgery. There are a lot of "ifs" and almost no certainties at this time.

So, the plan is to have a bone scan tomorrow. I already had two xrays done today of my hip and Tuesday morning I will come back to have a PET scan of the area. From my understanding a PET scan will light up any active cancer/tumor cells. IF the tumor is indeed dead and just needs to be scooped out then it will not be "lit up." At this time with so much information needed my Dr's still cannot help me make the best decision and steer me in any general direction. However, once we have all the info that we need we can make an educated, informed decision and proceed. It may be that I need to do a couple of more rounds of chemo to further shrink the tumor before removing it. If that is the case then they will be administering two types of chemo that I have not yet had.

Needless to say no decisions will be made until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Generally I would be a nervous wreck over all of this uncertainty. Friends, I can tell you that I feel the Lord's peace like never before. I am at ease. THE Lord has given me peace about so many things in the last few days. Living, Dying, loosing my leg, and taking the time to make these decisions. The bottom line is that ONLY HE knows the outcome. The doctors cannot tell me with 100% certainty that they can cure me or what my best surgical chances for cure are. But God can cure me. I am reminded of Lazarus, and the woman with the issue of blood. I trust the Lord and whatever He is doing with me right now. It is a constant battle to stay in this place of trust, but I have resolved to wait on Him. Father knows best :)

He has continuously laid on my heart these verses the past few days:
"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." Psalm 27:14

"Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20

"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass." Psalm 37:7

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9

Big Decisions This Week

I got into Gainsville safely last night and started out by having a CT scan of my chest. We then went to have an MRI done of my left hip. Back in November when I had my first MRI it was so painful that after five minutes I couldn't tolerate lying there any longer. I have had such a reduction in my pain levels that I rarely take pain meds any more. It didn't even occur to me to take something prior to this one since I had been doing so well. Low and behold after about 15 minutes of laying on that hard, flat MRI table I was in tears. I tried as hard as I could to lay there and suck it up, but it just put so much pressure on the area where the tumor is. Unfortunately I had to stop the MRI at that point, but I knew once I was admitted to the hospital they would find a way to get me through it.

The MRI should now take place tomorrow around 11am. They will try to sedate me and load me up with pain meds to get through the hour long MRI. This MUST be done, and done as soon as possible. We really need to see how the tumor is responding to be able to make any decisions regarding surgery.

My Orthopedic Oncologist, Dr Gibbs, my Pediatric Oncologist, Dr Lagmay and both of their nurses came in to meet with me this afternoon. The results from the CT chest scan show that the nodules on my lungs have slightly decreased in size but one of them has also calcified which means that those spots are definitely cancerous. In the long run we will need to look at doing surgery to remove those spots unless more appear then they said it would be pointless. This surgery will have to wait until after the big surgery on my hip.

As far as making decisions regarding the surgery to remove the tumor we are on hold until MRI results come in. The Dr's did briefly discuss with me some different options. They feel that my best luck for a complete cure is to amputate my left leg. Although this is still no guarantee. But the breaks in my hip were very bad for my leg and have most likely spread cancer cells in or around that general area. Ideally they would like to be able to completely remove the tumor along with enough healthy tissue around it to make sure they've not only got it all but hopefully prevent it from coming back. I guess the argument is that if I have no leg then it can't come back there. By doing the surgery to remove only the tumor I am at risk of the cancer not only coming back, but having a leg that may or may not be functional. Ultimately the decision is mine to make. This is a very difficult decision. I obviously don't want to loose my leg, but I want to live also very badly. It's not easy any way you look at it. However, I can't worry about this right at the moment because I don't even have the information I need to make an informed decision. All along I have been preparing myself for the possibility of amputation as have the Dr's. When I think about it I'm scared of how life will be different, learning how to get around, what I'll look like, and just being handicap in general. I also feel a peace though that I can't explain. A knowing that if this is the decision I make God will be there holding my hand the whole way. I want to make the right decision and right now I don't know what that is. My Orthopedic Dr. will help me the best that he can by being upfront and helping me to answer any questions I have as well as helping me to make a decision. But again, it's mine to make, they can only suggest what they view as their opinion. I'm very thankful that I have a team of Doctors that I trust and believe to be highly capable.

My Grandma suggested I make a list to weight out the pros and cons. I don't think I want to do that or even know enough about my different options to do so at this moment. When I was talking to Carrie earlier though she reminded me to think on those things that are just, so I've decided to make a list of those things instead :)

My Thinking list on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtue, and praise:

-The Lord is real, He is the author and finisher of my faith
-I know I'm saved
-I have an eternity to look forward to with my Savior
-I have been blessed with the sweetest son
-Jarred has had the Lord's grace continuously on him during this valley
-I have had the blessing of renewed relationships with friends and family
-I have the blessing of having several close, sister-like friends
-I am forgiven
-I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful body of believes and couldn't ask for a better church family
-The Lord has provided my every need during this illness. He's taken care of things before I
even knew I had the need
-This trial has drawn my family and friends closer together

****There are so many more thing that I could name, but these are just a few. I'm trying to not only keep my mind stayed on the Lord, but also keep in remembrance all that He has done for me and how wonderfully He provides. I know He will see me through these next few days and help me make the right decisions.

I ask that you just please pray for me to make the right decisions and have peace beyond all understanding with them.

Thanks :)
Joshua 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed:for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

Home for a few days...

I was so excited last night I could barely sleep. I knew that I would get to come home for a couple of days and I suppose that was too much excitement for me to contain. First thing this morning I was up, packed, dressed, and ready to go. I got my PIC line taken out finally :) The port is doing well. They only leave it accessed while I am in the hospital, so I have nothing dangley and weird hanging off of me at the current moment! I think my Dr's were quite amused with me. Thankfully they had me out of the hospital pretty early. I usually sleep the whole way home, but again I was too excited to sleep much.We came home and dropped my stuff off then went to the church to meet Jarred. He didn't know I was coming to the last minute. He isn't as apt to beam from excitement upon my arrival, but I can tell from the time he's spent tinkering around the house that he is happy to be here and happy I am here as well.

I will be staying till Monday morning and will then be heading back to Gainsville. I have several scans and MRI's Monday evening. Then Tuesday morning I will be admitted for another round of chemo. Hopefully I will get to come home next weekend as well seeing as how I won't have to be back until 15th. I will be having the surgery on the 17th. Still a little nervous about this, but I am trying my best to trust the Lord with whatever the outcome may be.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy this precious and sweet time I have at home with my boy.

A Change of Perspective requires Thinking on Eternal Thoughs...

I have such a heavy burden in my heart regarding this cancer and all who it touches and consumes. Unfortunately, it's not just my life being disrupted but many, many others. Don't get my wrong, I am so thankful that the Lord put those of you in my life to help walk with me and at times carry me through this battle. I just despise that it is so far reaching. I hate the fact that it brings me so far from home. I just feel like I'm missing everything, you know. This is the first year that I haven't gotten to go to Jarred's award ceremony on the last day of school and that just breaks my heart. I want so badly to be there for him. I miss my baby boy more than words can say. It seems like my thoughts have been more in the are of self-pity rather than living what like I do have and enjoying. I feel so limited in this body. All of these thinking patters always result back to the hear and now. In the past couple of months I have not once thought beyond this life or my current sufferings. I think that I must have been so focused on surviving that I lost sight of what I DO have to look forward to.

The endlessness worrying I am doing about keeping my leg or what life will be like in the future will be better spend concentrating on eternity and what awaits for me there. It's not easy. It will require redirection of thoughts. And yes, I am still afraid of what I will find out next week, but I know that the Lord is in control of all of that too and I just have to trust in him with all my heart!

Schedule Update

I am back in Gainsville now. They should be giving my chemo any time now. There is a possibility that I may get to go home for two days this weekend. Don't mention that to Jarred, as I don't want him to be disapointed if it doesn't work out that way. I had my port installed this morning and that went well. My neck and chest are quite sore from where they placed it, but it's not too bad. I got an updated schedule today for the next three weeks. I have to be back in Gainsville by 4:30 on Monday to have a CT scan of my chest. This is when they will look at those spots they saw in my lungs to determine whether or not the cancer did actually metastasize and if so what the status is now that I have had several rounds of chemo. They will also be doing an MRI of my hip/pelvis area. This will be to determine what type of surgery will need to be performed to remove the tumor. I'm still praying that they will not have to amputate my leg. I'd really like to keep it. I'm afraid of that whole process. Of finding out. Of what life will be like if they do take my leg, etc. But I am also trying to lean not unto my own understanding. I'm trying to trust. Sometimes it's so hard! The surgery is scheduled for June 17th. Please be with me in prayer these next couple of weeks.

I'm doing well right now. I feel good and am in good spirits. I miss home like crazy already. I miss Jarred even more. The last couple of days have been crazy. The Lord is working in some mighty mysterious ways. I'm really leaning on Romans 8:28 and trusting that all this craziness is somehow working to our good.

I've been thinking a lot on eternal things and have had a positive change in my perspective. I will post more about that later. Just wanted to let you all know that I am here and ok. I love you all and thank you for your prayers.